Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's cold and I'm on the fence

I've always been a hot natured person. I muh prefer the winter to summer. In public, there's only so much you can take off, AmIRite? 

But, in the last two years, I have been trying to get rid of the body that ate me. For one reason or another, I had doubled in size since high school. Not cool. I finally woke up one day and said enough is enough. There was no promise of a man, job or tangible item that made me have this ephipany. I was killing myself and knew I needed to change. 

I have lost 138 pounds in the last 14 months. I'm still not where is like to be, but I'm getting there. But I have an acquaintance who is in the same path, for different reasons and that's what I want to talk to you about today. 

She is currently "dating" (and I use that term loosely) a man she met at work. He lives in another state. They have never met in person. They have sent pictures back and forth, but no skype, FaceTime or anything where they physically lay eyes on each other. The pictures she is sending are from about five years ago I have no idea if his are current or not. She says they are in love and will be married. They've been together one month. 

She said she can't meet him until she looks like those pictures again. My theory is if he doesn't like you in your current state, then do you really want someone that superficial? If you can't love me fat, why would I give you the time of day when I'm smaller? 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, November 13, 2014

#curlyhairdontcare kind of day

So, my hair has natural curl to it. Not the beautiful waves that you may be thinking, but some crazy, on meth kind of curls. They go a bit of everywhere. Normally I don't leave it curly, I try to blow it out straight. It isn't so bad that I have to get a $200 Brazilian when I want to make sure it is straight, but maybe I should. The tresses are not my friend. Most days. My hair gets all kinds of frizzy, unless a professional is involved. But today, I'm having a #curlyhairdontcare kind of day.

I had surgery last week and am not sure when I am going to be released to go back to work. With my lovely job, I don't get paid if I'm off sick. I'm going to have to go back sooner, rather than later, I'm afraid. I woke up to not having my paycheck deposited, as expected. My account being overdrawn. I haven't paid most of my credit cards in at least a month, some more. My student loans are so far past due it isn't even funny. I feel like I'm back in my 20's. I'm far too old to have these money problems.

I have two jobs, technically three, if you count the "at-home" job I have with a direct marketing company. My facade of a self-sufficient woman who doesn't have to rely on anyone else is crumbling. Fast. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Assuming I live to be in my 80's, this would be half.

I really screwed up the first half. Here's hoping the second half is better.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I miss your love

I'm in love. Head over heels, stupid love. Smiling at songs on the radio because they remind me of him kind of love. Everything is sunshine and rainbows, nothing will ever go wrong kind of love. Then, I remember that it's me. So, of course something is bound to go wrong. Let me tell you a little story.

Schroeder (that's what I call him, adorbs, huh?) So, Schroeder and I have dated in the past. Twice actually. He is my very first love. But, when we were together, both times, outside forces tore us apart. Now, he had no idea that I loved him. I had no idea what my feelings were, to be perfectly honest. I was scared, confused, happy, and every other emotion all balled into one. We were pretty young the first time we dated. He was not my first boyfriend, but he sure was the only one who had that type of impact on me. Sure, I thought I had been in love up to that point. But boy, was I wrong.

We happened to fall back into each others lives about two months ago. It was perfect. The second day we were together, I told him I loved him, I had always loved him. My love for him was the one constant for more than half my life. Little did I know, he had loved me this whole time too.

We had a conversation one night by text. He was flying back to me, he had been on a business trip. He began asking questions about why I had broken up with him the first time. I gave him the reason and he was very angry. Now, just so you know the whole story, it was my Dad that had made me break up with him the first time. In hindsight, I believe it was because he saw how emotionally involved I had become with Schroeder and did not want me to be in that serious of a relationship. It broke my heart to do it, but I was a good little girl and did what I was told. I thought it would be better for him if I didn't give him the details, I was completely wrong about that.

So, while he was on the plane, he told me that he never wanted to see me again. He thought that my ex-boyfriend and my Dad were colluding to get him out of the picture. Now, in his defense, I did get back together with my ex after he and I broke up. But, the only reason I went back to him was because he was safe. I was comfortable with him. I knew that my ex and I would go out, nothing serious and life would get back to normal. I could not have been more wrong.

Now, fast forward about a month after he gets home from his trip. We have seen each other twice since then. I informed him that I didn't care what year it was, he was not breaking up with me over a text. So, he finally came and saw me after he'd been home a couple weeks. We talked about everything and decided that after loving each other for more than half our lives, without knowing each others feelings, that this was too much to let go. So, he said he needed some time. I said I would give him all the time he needs, but I needed to know what that meant. No talking? No texting? No seeing each other? So, he told me texting was fine, but that was it.

Fast forward a couple more weeks, we've been texting. I was getting some mixed messages from him and I thought he was at a point he wanted to see me. Sunshine was flooding my windows, flowers were in bloom, everything was right in the world again! Then, I find out, he was drunk. He still didn't want to see me yet. Ok, I let it go and respected his wishes. Then, last week, I'm having surgery. I knew something would go wrong and I wouldn't make it through. So, I insisted he see me before surgery. He relented and said ok. But, he got sick and couldn't. Now, it's been almost a week since my surgery, I still haven't seen him, we have barely texted. Or, he has barely texted me. I still update him with what's going on, telling him I love him and all the other nonsensical texts that you send to a boy you love. I'm thinking everything is going ok, then I get a text that says I just can't be with you now. Everything is different. Of course I have a meltdown. Again, I think he's trying to break up with me by text. He wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't love me. So, I tell him that if that is the case, I have to see him one last time. I needed him to tell me this to my face. If this is going to be it, and we will never be together, I had to hold him in my arms one last time.

He agreed to see me, but not that day. I sent a text asking if he could see me the next day. He says no. I text him and ask him to not prolong this inevitable conversation. He asks why. So, I plead my case. I tell him that I have to see him, we owe it to ourselves to have that closure. He calls me to have this conversation and the call lasts one minute. I told him that if was to be the last time we were ever to be together, I needed to see him.

Well boys and girls, here's where it gets messy. He gets so angry. Apparently, his message of he can't be with me was his way of saying he needed more time. I thought he was ending things for good. I'm in a standstill at the moment. I'm waiting for direction from him. I don't know if he does or doesn't want me to text. I know he doesn't want me to call. And he definitely does not want me asking him to come over!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss him. I miss the way he smiles at me. The way he says my name. The way he kisses me. The way he holds me tight like he never wants to let go. But, most of all, I miss the way he loves me. I also have been mourning the last 24 years that we lost. I've been so depressed, I don't know what to do or what to say. But, I'm here. Waiting. Hoping that one day, I'll get a text or call. Possibly he will just show up at my front door. Whatever happens, I will be here waiting, for my Schroeder.

What do you think? Talk to me soon.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Last night

So, I went to see the movie Land Ho! I highly recommend it, if it's playing near you. It is showing at our art house theatre. Sadly, me, my friend and only one other person were in the showing last night. I hope it sticks around, because it is so funny. With our art house, most movies only last a week. But, run to yours in droves to see it, if you are able. 

After a really funny movie and some bonding time with my pal, I came home and started to contemplate what I needed to do. Laundry, take out the trash, get on my elliptical. I opted for crawling into bed. While I was lying there, drifting off to sleep, I began to think about this certain boy. He is just a friend, but in the past things were more serious. I was just wondering where is now and what he's doing. That was the last thought I remember. 

When I woke up, I was all "what the heck?!" I had this dream about an ex-boyfriend, for clarity I'll call him Finn. (I can call him the b word, we were about 20 when we dated, and no, his real name isn't Finn.) I haven't thought of him in so long, it took me awhile to remember his last name! So, in this dream, he was all "I want you back. We were meant to be together. You're my soulmate, blah, blah, blah." Finn finally convinced me we belong together and then there was this strange car chase. It was in a familiar neighborhood, (that two different exes lived in!) During the car chase, Finn was driving one car, I was in the second with a different guy. We were all trying to get to Finn's parents house. It was all very bizarre. 

Of course, the first thing I did was wonder what happened to Finn. Is he  still with that horrible girl he broke up with me to be with? Did she break his heart (I hoped, I know, I'm a terrible person.) I typed Finn's name into Facebook, and there he was smiling back at me. He had a woman and two kids in the picture, it wasn't the same one he left me for, but I didn't snoop around to find out all about him. I did see he lives one county over now. But, it got me to thinking. Whatever did happen to my ghosts of boyfriends past? This is a rabbit hole, I should probably steer clear of, so I shut down my Mac and just went to work. What are your thoughts? 

Talk to me soon! 

Monday, September 8, 2014

What's a girl to do?

Boys. Men. Fellas. Whatever you want to call your guy, they're all lumped into the same category by being of the male persuasion. 

I'm well past the age that I should put up with things just to be with someone. But, I'm also at a stage in my life where I'm tired of being alone. Don't get me wrong. I don't want a husband. I don't want kids. No one over the age of 25 should call their significant other a boyfriend. To me, or just sounds juvenile. So, what is it that I want? A companion? A lover? A friend? All of the above? These are the burning questions floating through my brain today. 

Then there is the age old question of having a friend with benefits. Natalie, Ashton, Mila, JT and the myriad others do not give is a realistic perspective in their respective movies on this subject. The male protagonist in this real-life relationship is not going to fall in love with me. He's not going to know my favorite flower, or bring me a bouquet of carrots.  He's not going to be the Harry to my quirky Sally. We will not live happily ever after, as they want us to assume, since there are no sequels. And there truly is no Mr. Big. I digress, my apologies. 

Secretly, I'm hopeful if anyone is reading this, they don't know me. I prefer to remain anonymous. On the other hand, if you have a question, comment, snide remark, feel free to let me know your thoughts on the subject. I'd love to hear from you. 

Bonus points to you if you get my pop culture references. 

Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

To begin with...

I just want to say that I'm a girl without a plan. I have two different degrees and I'm about to go back for my third. I guess I just get bored easily. The two paths I previously pursued, were not what I expected. I became disenchanted with things and here I am now, in my third decade, starting over. I just can't settle for something, whether it's a job, a car or a man. I guess I have high standards, but nothing ever lives up to it. I think I need to reevaluate my priorities. But, that's just me, a girl without a plan. Talk to me soon!

Here we are again...

Well, here we are. It's been a few years since I actually put my thoughts down in this forum, but I feel like it is anonymous enough, so here I go.

This summer, I turned 40. In my mind, I'm still 25. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less about the number of years that continue to tick away. As long as I have birthdays, it means I'm still alive. I don't understand why some people have such a hard time with it. Does that mean they'd rather be dead? But, I digress, that isn't what I came here today to wax philosophical about.

I've begun to reflect on aspects of my life. I imagined that I would have someone to love, live my life with and grow old by this point. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hermit by any means. I date, I have friends and I go out. But, a part of me has began to reflect on ghosts of boyfriends past. Did I let him go too soon? Was I correct in letting this one go? Was that one really the one? Was I too self-absorbed at one point to realize he was right under my nose? Should I really have said no when he proposed?

Most of my relationships have been great. But, I've also been in a few bad ones. I've never been beaten by a man, but I have been in abusive relationships. Psychologically abusive, that is. I don't have anything to compare that to, but I felt like the world was a cold, dark place when I was down that rabbit hole. I'm glad I finally dug my way out of it.

Sometimes a girl just needs a hug. It doesn't matter if she's 4 or 40. But let me give you a word of advice. Hug like you mean it.