Making plans is never a good idea

People will ask what your plan is for your life. Five year, ten year plans never come to fruition. We are never the same person after those plans are made. Every minute decision made alters the course of your life in ways you cannot imagine. Until it's too late. 

When I was 23, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I could do and be anything. I was invincible. Or so I thought. I had all these lofty goals of who I was going to become. Which people would be in my life for a season, or a reason. There have been many people float in and out of my life since my younger years. 

Why does anything happen? Is there really a bigger picture? Will we ever know the reasons things do or do not happen? Whether you believe in a higher power or not, do you ever really wonder why? I need answers and I don't know where to find them. Can you help? Talk to me soon. 

To date or not to date

As you know already, S and I are no longer romantically involved. I love him dearly, and always will. No matter what happens in the future, I will always be linked to him. I have some wonderful friends who will do anything in the world for me, so I am very lucky in that respect. It will be hard though. He was my everything. I wanted to be his everything, but that was not going to happen. So, he felt it best that we end the romantic aspect of our relationship and focus on the friendship we have. 

My friends think I'm insane for staying and trying to work on a friendship. But, in our defense, we were friends before we were anything else. Granted, that was a long time ago when we were just kids. I drove him home from school and we were doing a dance that would inevitably lead to us dating for the short period of time we had together. I would stop by his house, just because I wanted to see him. He is such an amazing person, I never felt like I measured up. I don't say this from a low self-esteem viewpoint. He was just so unlike any other boys I had ever dated or known. He was amazing. He is amazing. I am lucky to have him in my life again, in whatever capacity I am able to have him. 

Now, I do have my friends to lean on, and my therapist. But, I don't bring my relationships into my family. I do love them, but they are very exasperating. They're all very passive aggressive and I do not appreciate that. They are always trying to find my loose string and unravel me. Most people have a family that builds them up, mine just seems to live so they can tear me down. I don't want to put anyone else in that, so I just keep my Fetching Companion to myself. It's better that way. For both of us, for them, what they don't know, won't hurt...me. 

Call me selfish if you want. But, until there is a definite reason to bring someone into that aspect of my life, I want to spare him. And me. When I'm with my guy, I want him to be comforted and satisfied. I want him to feel loved, safe and protected. Not that I could do a lot in the protection department, but I want him to know that above all else, he comes first. 

What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon. 

It's official

I know you'll be happy to learn that Schroeder and I came to a resolution tonight. He are I have passed our window of opportunity. We will always be an important part of each other's lives, but we will only be friends. I won't lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. But, it is what is best for everyone involved. Irreparable damage has been done over the last 24 years and it can't be what I have built it up in my head to be. Nor are we able to start fresh and rewrite our future.

Why am I telling you this? Catharsis. I need to exorcise the demons that have been in my head and get on with my life. I need to start dating again. But, do I try to seek out something new? Fall back on something comfortable? What do you think? I don't like to let people into my heart. It's a very guarded and locked up chamber. I don't know that I have the strength to go through another heartbreak. But? Isn't that what life is all about? 

Good, bad or indifferent, what do you think? 

My triumvirate

In general, I'm a lucky girl. I have a roof over my head, I am in a relatively safe environment. My parents didn't abuse me. I am a cordial person. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. Here's my current dilemma. 

When I started seeing Schroeder, I had been casually dating a couple other guys. I knew that my heart and soul belonged to Schroeder, from the minute I kissed him. So, I broke things off with the other two. 

Now, fast forward a couple months and we are not in the most ideal of circumstances. He is still it for me. Of that, I am sure. But, for some reason, the two guys have crept back in. Texts, social media, phone calls, they are both contacting me again. I've done nothing to encourage it and have been quite vocal about where my heart belongs. 

What is a girl to do? What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Am I not memorable?

I have a group of acquaintances that I would sporadically get together. We would be at a house party, in a bar, at a restaurant, hanging out in Market Square or whatever. I have been at mutual events with this one guy for at least two years. We have had long conversations and it's pretty clear that we are past the point of introducing ourselves. Now, I don't mean reminding each other of our names. Introducing ourselves, like we have never met. It is kind of a big joke now.

He works as a demo guy at the grocery store I frequent and the first time I saw him there, I said hi and was talking to him like I knew him. He had a blank stare on his face. It was clearly meaning "who are you?" To which I reminded him who I am. He was still clueless. So, now, every time I see him I just ignore him. I had to remind him we had met at the last couple of events we went to mutually. I give up. If he doesn't remember me, apparently it is my own fault. I need to be more memorable.

Now, my close friends might disagree. I am loud, funny, memorable. The life of the party. That's me. So, it just makes me laugh that he is completely clueless. It's his loss, not mine. And no, I do not want to try your chicken casserole!

While I have been off work from my surgery, I have had a lot of time to reflect and focus on me. I don't like having all that time to myself. There is one special person I want to hold me and reassure me while I am in turmoil. But, he needs time. Maybe I should reinvent myself and introduce him to that Cupcake? No, I would never be happy if I changed myself for a man. Or anyone for that matter. What's a girl to do?

Talk to me soon! xo

Continuing Education

I'm a big advocate for knowledge. Especially when it comes to continued education classes. This world is so fluid, that you can't possibly know everything about your chosen profession. Or hobby or whatever it may be. 

Tonight I have to go to a class for my life insurance license. I found this to be the most boring venture I've ever gotten myself involved. I'll probably never sell one policy, to be honest. But, in case I do, I need to keep my license current. So, I had to drag myself out on this cold, wintery night. So, if you happen to see me out tonight, don't be offended if I'm crabby. 

By the way, have you seen my AmEx? Talk to me soon. 

Just call me Grace

I am not a graceful person. I never have been, and am almost positive that I never will be. When I took my ballet classes as a kid, I'm sure the instructor felt like a criminal taking my parents money. If not, she should have.

That being said, I bruise easily. I have lots of bruises that pop up without any explanation. Normally they are on my arms or thighs. This morning, I woke up with several unknown bruises on my right foot. It has became a joke to me. Everyone else seems to think it is worrisome that I don't know how I get bruised.

Funny story, one semester during college I had three jobs. I sold shoes at a department store, I was a nanny (dear God, why?!) and I worked at UPS loading trucks at night. In addition to those jobs, I also had a full class load. There were literally three hours per day that my time wasn't committed. Now, I didn't live with my parents at this point, so they didn't know about UPS. I figured that they would just be worried. I was being a good little girl and trying to protect them. About a week into this job, my arms are covered with bruises and so are my thighs. But, it was a fall semester, so I had jeans on most of the time. My parents thought I was dating someone who was beating me! The placement of some of the bruises on my arms looked like they could have been fingermarks from where someone was holding me too tight. About three weeks into working for them, I get my first check. It does not have my name on it. It's my Daddy's name, but my SSN. He was listed as my emergency contact, that was the only thing I could think of as to how his name got on there. So, I had to give him the check to cash, which outed me as working for the parcel company.

Sorry, I get off on side stories, but I'm going to tie it all back together. I hope that tomorrow I don't wake up with any mysterious ailments, bruises or scrapes. Until then, stay safe and talk to me soon.