Saturday, November 29, 2014

What now?

Thanksgiving is over. All the food has been eaten, family has gone back to their homes. What do we do now? Scramble to get the perfect gift for that great someone in our lives? Getting the exact toy our nieces want? Wrap up money for the older ones? It's one big blur for the next month. But should we really be doing that?

Some people have problems with this time of year. They get depressed, anxious, nervous or any other anxiety known to man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging. I've gone through the entire gamut of anxiety disorders. At one point or another, I've been all of them. But, right now, I'm good. Things are all sunshine and roses. You believe me, right?

I am doing good. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat. The only thing that could make my life even better would be to have the one love of my life as more than my friend. But, that is not possible. Maybe one day, but right now, I'm thankful to have him in my life as my friend. Something is always better than nothing, don't you agree?

I am not where I thought I'd be at forty, but I am happy. Happy is always good, right? Talk to me soon! xoxo


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Pre-Thanksgiving

Today is the day before Thanksgiving 2014. This has been quite a tumultuous year and we still have a month left! 

I've gone through heartbreak, elated joy, euphoria, sadness and every other emotion you could imagine. I've had four surgeries in the past 14 months. I've been scared more with each one that there will be a complication and I won't wake from anesthesia. I don't know why I have these feelings, my mom says it's because I'm a hypochondriac. I disagree. 

Yes, I'm a big baby. I don't handle pain well and I don't like being sick. Who does? I just don't deal well with conflict. The conflict within my body if I'm sick, or external conflict with another person. My motto is, can't we all just get along? 

Now, I do have one more tentative surgery that will have to happen at some point. I would prefer to have it this year, since all my insurance starts over in January, and it's be free! I've met all my costs. It's not on the taxpayer. Don't get all riled up about it! Please? Knowing my luck, I'll have to have emergency surgery on January 3. 

But, I just wanted to remind you to love your people with all your might. We never know when our last breath will be. And sometimes you aren't able to say what you really want, because your person may be gone in the blink of an eye. 

Talk to me soon. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

You've got the power!

Is like to think that I'm a strong enough person that I don't give anyone power over me. But, I'd be living in a fantasy. My doctors give advice and guide me into the medical decisions they feel I need to take. Even at 40 years old, my Mom still has power over me. She's very good with the guilt and passive aggressive manipulation. I allowed Schroeder to make all the decisions when it came to our relationship, even when it was time to end. There was also another force that played into that relationship that had a power and was able to dictate the demise of what happened. I won't go into details about that, but needless to say, I need to stop letting so many people have a controlling force in my life. 

They say that life is short. I find that a bit ironic, since it's the one thing that you'll do longer than anything else. When you're born, you start dying. Most people look at it the opposite way, you start living. But, it's just a means to an end. We are all going to die, unless you know something I don't! 

I have given a lot of weight to some decisions and they have not always panned out. Others, I don't even think about the outcome. I just get an idea in my head and I run with it, no matter the consequences. YOLO, right? Dear God, what am I, 23? I can't believe I just said YOLO, that has never came out of my mouth, or thumbs as it were. 

I don't say this out of a depression, or sadness. I just wonder if anyone else life is as controlled as mine. There are some aspects that I am able to say no, but not many. For instance, my Mom is convinced I need to start wearing makeup. I haven't worn that stuff since high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm a natural beauty. Nor am I saying that I'm better than anyone who does wear the stuff. I just feel like me without it on. Sure, there has been the odd day, here or there where I'd wear something. A wedding, funeral or gala. But even then, it was nothing more than some color on my lips and mascara to make my eyes pop. The most I wear now is some California Kissin by benefit. It's a clear gloss with mint built in. So, minty breath and it takes care of chapped lips! Bonus! And I normally only wear it in the winter. Who has chapped lips during the summer? 

I also stay out of the sun. No need to tempt fate. Melanoma is dangerous people! If you haven't done it lately, or ever, go get your moles checked. For me? Early detection is key. 

Alright, talk to me soon. I'm going to try and be better about giving away so much power. What are you doing? 

Monday, November 24, 2014

Can't we all just get along?

There are so many people in this world. We all have to coexist. As far as I'm aware, there's nowhere else for you to go. You may not like what your neighbor, co-workers, bosses, elected officials or even strangers are doing. But, those in power have just that. Power. Here in America, we live in a democracy. If you don't like something that is being done, change it. And by change it, I mean get another job, don't hang out with your neighbor. Vote. I don't care one bit for whom you cast your vote. All I care is that you voted. I will never ask you about your political affiliation or which way you cast your ballot. That is not my business. In return, I will never tell you my affiliation or for which candidates I cast my ballot.

There are so many other pressing issues that you can make a difference. That friend of yours that is always great, ask him or her how she really is. Chances are they aren't. Smiles hide a lot. Pain, Anxiety, Depression, Sadness and many other things. Now, I know that everyone gets into a funk at points in their lives and we all have spurts of this type of behavior. There are too many people who are struggling with these afflictions. Not all of them are lucky enough to be able to cope with things by using a therapist, or medicines. Some people feel that they can just talk to their friends, instead of a professional. I do encourage you to speak with your friends, but you do need to also need to seek solace from a professional. 

So, when you see someone who may or may not be struggling, give them some words of encouragement. A hug, or the offer of a listening ear. I have been a sounding board for so many people over the years and I hope that if I ever needed the same, I could get that in return. If I can give you one piece of advice that I've always lived by, I hope you will take this to heart. Whatever you do, give it your all. Hug like you mean it. Listen like it's your last conversation. Love like there is no tomorrow. Any advice you give, make sure it is solid advice. You never know when we will take our last breath, and I don't know about you, but that scares me. I want the people I love to know that I love them, to the end. I hope they do, but in case they don't, I remind them.

Now, you may call me melodramatic. Or sappy, or even insane. But, when you're in my circle, you're in for life. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of true friends. You'll see as you grow older that true friends are a very valued commodity. The 500 "friends" you have on Facebook or other social media may not even recognize you if you are both in the same aisle at Kroger. I know I've been guilty of that. But, my honest, true, core circle of friends that I have mean the world to me. But, no matter the level of friendship we have, if you ever need anything from me, you better believe I'm going to move Heaven and Earth to make it happen.

Talk to me soon...

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Making plans is never a good idea

People will ask what your plan is for your life. Five year, ten year plans never come to fruition. We are never the same person after those plans are made. Every minute decision made alters the course of your life in ways you cannot imagine. Until it's too late. 

When I was 23, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I could do and be anything. I was invincible. Or so I thought. I had all these lofty goals of who I was going to become. Which people would be in my life for a season, or a reason. There have been many people float in and out of my life since my younger years. 

Why does anything happen? Is there really a bigger picture? Will we ever know the reasons things do or do not happen? Whether you believe in a higher power or not, do you ever really wonder why? I need answers and I don't know where to find them. Can you help? Talk to me soon. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

To date or not to date

As you know already, S and I are no longer romantically involved. I love him dearly, and always will. No matter what happens in the future, I will always be linked to him. I have some wonderful friends who will do anything in the world for me, so I am very lucky in that respect. It will be hard though. He was my everything. I wanted to be his everything, but that was not going to happen. So, he felt it best that we end the romantic aspect of our relationship and focus on the friendship we have. 

My friends think I'm insane for staying and trying to work on a friendship. But, in our defense, we were friends before we were anything else. Granted, that was a long time ago when we were just kids. I drove him home from school and we were doing a dance that would inevitably lead to us dating for the short period of time we had together. I would stop by his house, just because I wanted to see him. He is such an amazing person, I never felt like I measured up. I don't say this from a low self-esteem viewpoint. He was just so unlike any other boys I had ever dated or known. He was amazing. He is amazing. I am lucky to have him in my life again, in whatever capacity I am able to have him. 

Now, I do have my friends to lean on, and my therapist. But, I don't bring my relationships into my family. I do love them, but they are very exasperating. They're all very passive aggressive and I do not appreciate that. They are always trying to find my loose string and unravel me. Most people have a family that builds them up, mine just seems to live so they can tear me down. I don't want to put anyone else in that, so I just keep my Fetching Companion to myself. It's better that way. For both of us, for them, what they don't know, won't hurt...me. 

Call me selfish if you want. But, until there is a definite reason to bring someone into that aspect of my life, I want to spare him. And me. When I'm with my guy, I want him to be comforted and satisfied. I want him to feel loved, safe and protected. Not that I could do a lot in the protection department, but I want him to know that above all else, he comes first. 

What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

It's official

I know you'll be happy to learn that Schroeder and I came to a resolution tonight. He are I have passed our window of opportunity. We will always be an important part of each other's lives, but we will only be friends. I won't lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. But, it is what is best for everyone involved. Irreparable damage has been done over the last 24 years and it can't be what I have built it up in my head to be. Nor are we able to start fresh and rewrite our future.

Why am I telling you this? Catharsis. I need to exorcise the demons that have been in my head and get on with my life. I need to start dating again. But, do I try to seek out something new? Fall back on something comfortable? What do you think? I don't like to let people into my heart. It's a very guarded and locked up chamber. I don't know that I have the strength to go through another heartbreak. But? Isn't that what life is all about? 

Good, bad or indifferent, what do you think?