Mistakes

Someone just called me the mistake of 2014. That hurt. I don't believe in mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. Now, we may not immediately see or know the reason. But, it doesn't make it any less valid. 

Yes, he is married. And yes, he is sleeping with a plethora of women. But seriously? A mistake. This man claims to love me, yet being intimate with me was a mistake. 

He says this because he no longer wants any type of romantic involvement with me. He only wants to be friends. My response? Great. Let's just be friends. He thinks I'm under some delusion that we will eventually get back to what we had. No, my friend, I. Am. Not. All we are is friends. And that's all we will ever be. 

He claims I text or call him too much. This is why he believes I still want to be with him. It makes me sad to think of where he is in life. His wife knows about the other women, and doesn't care. He feels as though I don't have the mental capacity to only be friends with him. I am a fully functioning adult. I know what it means to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without romance being involved. I have more male friends than female. 

He is also saying that my feelings aren't valid. Or true. Then, when I say this hurts me, he goes into attack mode again. I just don't understand. 

Friends. That's what we are. At least I think we are. I've never let any of my other friends speak to me the way he does. So why do I put up with it from him? I don't know. Maybe my new therapist will. 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. xx

P.S. For the record, I will allow myself to be anyone's mistake. 

Dinner, a movie and rejection

I had dinner tonight with a good friend, she's my movie wife! We are always going to the movies, I'm so glad she loves the independent films as much as I do. We both signed up for a card called moviepass. It's $35 per month and you get a two week free trial with it. The way it works, you download their app and "check-in" to whatever movie you want to see that day. When you go up to the ticket counter, you have what looks like a credit card, they swipe it and you go in. Easy peasy. If you see more than three movies per month, I highly recommend you look into this. I have seen two movies so far with my card. I hope to see lots more this year!

We went and ate some yummy Mexican food before the movie. The server was such a cutie! He has waited on us before and he actually recognized us. Is that a good thing? I don't know! He was so much fun, he kept checking back in on us and standing around talking. We went back and forth discussing movies and other things. When he brought us the checks, we ordered another drink. While I was signing my slip, I got a bit of courage. I wrote my number on the top of the check and told him to call me sometime.

My friend got so embarrassed when he came and picked up our check. I told him I wrote him a little note, but I wouldn't be offended if he didn't want to. She started giggling even more and turned red! It was so funny, the note had nothing to do with her, he felt he had to look at the note right there. He said he was flattered, but he was seeing someone. But he would hold onto my number...just in case. I guess this makes me his backup plan?

I looked a hot mess today, but didn't realize that at the time. I only saw myself about an hour later when we went to the movies. I laughed, but, I guess that's why I'm only good enough to be the back-up plan. I am not like most women. I don't wear make-up, so what you see is all me. The good and the bad. I also don't put a ton of time on my hair. Flat irons, curling irons, rollers...it's a good day if my hair is hit with a hair dryer! Don't get me wrong, for special events, I'll break out all the horrible devices and make myself look nice. On a regular day, not so much.

Maybe I'd have better luck if I did indulge in the make-up, perfect hair and perfect clothing each day. But that isn't me. I don't want someone who is only concerned with my exterior. My interior is what I want someone to want me for. What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon.

Dating...

So, I'm doing a bit of a social experiment. I am allowing two of my friends to join dating websites, as me, and letting them pick my dates for me. 

Insane? Or genius? I don't know yet. I don't have the best track record when it comes to the men I've chosen to date. I just always pick the wrong guy. So, I'm leaving it in their hands. 

Now, they're not going to pretend I'm anything I'm not. And they aren't going to do anything nefarious. So, I'm not going to end up on that Catfish show! But, this should be fun. 

I've decided to make this the year of me. And with that, I plan to get out more. I assume I'll be the Queen of First Dates! Or, I'll get murdered. Both are equally likely to happen. 

What's your take on this? I'll keep you posted as we go along. Thoughts or comments? Talk to me soon! 

Priorities

I don't want to be a back-up plan. I deserve to have someone that makes me as much of a priority as I make them. I'm speaking of friends and boyfriends, hence the pronoun them. I have a bit of a problem with this statement. In theory, I wholeheartedly believe in its validity. On the other, I tend to not put it into practice for myself. I know that if someone is treating someone I care about this way, I don't have any qualms about telling that person how unjust they should feel! The indignity! You're sitting at home pining away for him/her while they are out screwing other people? He/She didn't check on you while you were sick? We hate him/her.

But, putting it into practice for myself? Yes, it makes me sad. I would like to say I have the strength to stand up to him/her and say NO MORE! But, I don't. I let myself be the victim, loser, idiot or whatever adjective you want to insert.

How do you handle this? Or, are you lucky enough to say you don't have this problem? Sometimes I wonder if I'm seriously even worth the effort. Maybe I just need to get it through my head that this is the best I'm ever going to get. I should be happy that I'm even on their radar. Then, I decide that's stupid. I really need to find a new therapist, but you guys are so much cheaper.

Talk to me soon. xo

Control

I have an Aunt who had been beaten all her life. First by her father, then by her husband. I've felt sorry for her my entire life. When my dad was finally old enough to stand up to that man, he beat him and kicked him out of his own house. He never set foot in there again. 

I've always wondered why she stayed with her husband when she had a clear way out. My dad offered many times to get her away from that husband and put her away to where he would never find her. 

Now I am that woman, in a sense. I am no longer with the guy that hit me, but he still haunts me. The last week I have been getting calls from unknown or private numbers. I assumed it was AmEx or Madtercard wanting to know when they could expect my payment since I'm far behind. But, I got curious and answers a couple of them yesterday. 

No one spoke. I could hear breathing, but no one ever said anything. It was odd, but I didn't think anything about it. Then, today, I go to the gym, do my morning routine and I get another call. I didn't answer. 

My mom wanted to go to Dillard's today, and heaven forbid she drive herself down there. So, off to the mall we went. We were there maybe an hour and I saw him. I was paralyzed by fear. I just stood there. Praying that he didn't turn and look at me. I finally snapped out of it and ducked behind a rack and into the dressing room. I stayed in there at least 30 minutes. 

So, when I say I am now that woman, I mean that I'm a woman that lets a man control her. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder. Or, staying home in fear of running into him. I want to be free. I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? 

Talk to me soon. xo

Resolutions

It's that time of year again. People are making plans, spouting off public declarations. Saying that they are going to be (insert anything here) this next year. New year, new beginning...blah, blah, blah. It's all just a bunch of hogwash. We tell each other these things to feel better about ourselves. But, in all honesty, nothing will change. Trust me on this. Whether your resolution is to lose weight, be nicer, work out more, whatever it is, chances are that by January 30, all resolutions are going to be long forgotten.

That's why I am approaching this in a different manner. I resolve to be a better person next year. I will be more present in my life and that of the ones I love and care about. If you need me, I'll be there. When we say we need to get together, it won't just be an empty statement. Too much time has gone by without me seeing those that I love. As I get older, I lose more people. We all do. Death is the only certainty we have in this life. I don't want to be on my deathbed wishing I had seen the people I love more.

In addition to being more present, I resolve to continue my journey to health. I have lost a lot of weight in the last 18 months. I have been eating healthier, exercising and trying to get myself to the place I want to be. I switched trainers and am doing a new regimen now. So, I think I'm back on a good path. I have been going to the gym at least once per day. In this next year, I hope to continue this track record of going daily.

Now, I also hope to get to a place in my job that will make me happy. There are a couple of startups that I'm thinking about going into. It is scary to think of branching out on my own. Especially since I would be solely responsible for these endeavors. But, I have a couple of ideas about companies that may be exactly what I need. If not, I will land where I'm supposed to be. If that's working for myself, then that would be fantastic. If it is working a corporate gig, that's ok too. I just need some guidance and the one source I have to talk about this, well, he isn't really speaking to me right now.

So, I'm in a state of unrest going into this new year, but, I'm ok with that. I hope you talk to me soon and that I haven't rained on your parade of tonight. xo

You would think I'd learn

There are so many lessons to learn in life. If we are lucky, we never stop learning. I try to learn something every day. Today, I started to work with a new personal trainer. I learned how to work with some new machines. And, how to properly use the ones I was using incorrectly!

One lesson I have not learned is to not go on blind dates. I have not had a lot of luck with them. Either the boy is mean, indifferent or just not compatible with me. Normally, there is only one date. Sometimes, we get along and a 2nd or 3rd date comes about. We talk about how we met, our mutual friends that may have set us up, or whatever we have in common.

What normally happens is that one of us gets bored. Either he wants it to progress farther than I want it to at this point, or we realize that we are going nowhere. If you're keeping up, you know that I got hit by a fella recently. That was a blind date. So, I guess I can add getting punched to the list of why my blind relationships don't work!

I'm not like most people. If everyone is going right, I'll go left. Sometimes the other path leads to the best surprises. A lot of people are very free with sex. I'm not saying that I have inhibitions or am a prude, but I think that sex just for the sake of having sex isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have needs just like the next girl, and I'm no virgin. But, I'm not going to have sex with someone unless I have true feelings for him.

Now, I'm not saying my way is right. Or that I will always feel this way. But, I've felt this way for quite a while now. I know that kids these days are having sex with any and everything that isn't nailed down. I'm sure there are teenagers who have had more sexual partners than I have. What do you think?

Talk to me soon, xo.