Call me crazy, but I want to be in love. I want a man to hold my hand, to kiss me like he's never going to see me again. I want to have that all-consuming passion. I want someone to want me so bad, he won't have anyone else if he can't have me. In other words, I want someone who does not exist.
It is my birthday this weekend and I think upon reflection of where I've been in life, I'm not sure I've made the best decisions. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, because I regret nothing. Dwelling on something will get me nowhere, I'm on the wrong side of mid-life, so I am just pondering things at the moment.
For a VERY long time, I just assumed I would never get married, and I was ok with that. I didn't need a man to complete me. I still don't need a man to complete myself, but I want one. I've dated and had a few lovers over the years and they all hold a special place in my mind and heart. They always will, but it will be a small place.
I want someone who thinks of me and a smile passes his lips. If he has a fleeting thought and thinks it'll make me laugh or smile, for him to call or text me. I want to get random messages that say he has been thinking of me. Or just send one that says good morning. Is that really too much to ask? No one is busy ALL THE TIME!
I want someone who wants to crawl into bed just to snuggle. Hold my hand as we are sitting on the couch. Hug me just because he hasn't in a few hours. Put his arm around me and pull me close in bed so I am able to put my head on his chest.
In other words, I want someone to love who loves me back. Truly, madly and deeply loves me with reckless abandon. I will reciprocate, of that you need not worry. Feel free to reach out to me. I hope to find him soon. I'm not getting any younger and I want to spend as much time as possible with him.
Am I being unreasonable? Talk to me soon. xoxo
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
What to do
Hello again! Sorry it's been a bit since I last wrote. I have been in a crazy, mixed-up headspace. I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm supposed to get there. My office is closing in five days and I have not been able to line up anything at this point. Not even a temporary position!
On top of that, I had been seeing this really great guy. He's a few years older than me and we were getting along great. He has three jobs, so he is really busy, but we made it work. He would text or call when he had time. He was always a perfect gentleman. But then, one day, out of the blue, he just went MIA. He didn't return any calls, or texts. He had asked me to be patient in the beginning since he is so busy. I thought I had been, but one night, I called to see if he was coming over. He got really angry at me and said that he'd come when he had time. At that point, I hadn't seen him in three weeks. Another week has passed and he didn't reach out to me once.
In that week, another fella started showing interest in me. He seems really nice, and funny. He came by today and we hung out for a couple of hours. He was uncomfortable and I tried to lighten the mood by telling silly stories. I am pretty sure I'll never hear from him again.
So, what's a girl to do. I am so sick of starting over. I'm the only common thread in all these failed relationships, so obviously it is me. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about this instead of a bunch of strangers. Feel free to chime in!
On top of that, I had been seeing this really great guy. He's a few years older than me and we were getting along great. He has three jobs, so he is really busy, but we made it work. He would text or call when he had time. He was always a perfect gentleman. But then, one day, out of the blue, he just went MIA. He didn't return any calls, or texts. He had asked me to be patient in the beginning since he is so busy. I thought I had been, but one night, I called to see if he was coming over. He got really angry at me and said that he'd come when he had time. At that point, I hadn't seen him in three weeks. Another week has passed and he didn't reach out to me once.
In that week, another fella started showing interest in me. He seems really nice, and funny. He came by today and we hung out for a couple of hours. He was uncomfortable and I tried to lighten the mood by telling silly stories. I am pretty sure I'll never hear from him again.
So, what's a girl to do. I am so sick of starting over. I'm the only common thread in all these failed relationships, so obviously it is me. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about this instead of a bunch of strangers. Feel free to chime in!
Monday, March 30, 2015
What's the point
So, I've been on a high for the last week. Not high on drugs, I don't do those. But, high on life. I just got back from the most amazing trip and it was first-class all the way. It was something I had won from work and there were about 300 other people on this journey as well.
We were able to take someone with us and since I don't have a husband, or a serious boyfriend, I took one of my friends. She and I had such a good time. Meeting new people, doing new things, visiting places we had never been before. It was magnificent.
Getting home was a bit of a nightmare, there were mechanical issues, plane delays, waiting in line for five hours to get rebooked, diversions to unscheduled layover airports and the list goes on. It took 19 hours for a flight that should have taken 2 1/2.
The airline did comp a room for me when I finally arrived in Dallas, but it was a hotel that I was actually afraid to stay in by myself. Thanks American Airlines! So, I had to then go find another hotel that could accommodate me for the evening. That was an adventure.
I finally get home and my emotions are running amok. I'm not sure why. Since I've been home, I am almost positive that I have ruined a friendship of more than 20 years. I asked a few questions, they were misconstrued and some things were inferred incorrectly. So, now I've lost one of my best friends.
Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just crawl into bed? I am right now. I wish I could call the man who loves me more than anything to come pull me tight and tell me everything will be ok. I just need to find this man. Or, come to the realization that he does not exist and give it all up.
Some days I just need a hug and for someone to truly mean it.
We were able to take someone with us and since I don't have a husband, or a serious boyfriend, I took one of my friends. She and I had such a good time. Meeting new people, doing new things, visiting places we had never been before. It was magnificent.
Getting home was a bit of a nightmare, there were mechanical issues, plane delays, waiting in line for five hours to get rebooked, diversions to unscheduled layover airports and the list goes on. It took 19 hours for a flight that should have taken 2 1/2.
The airline did comp a room for me when I finally arrived in Dallas, but it was a hotel that I was actually afraid to stay in by myself. Thanks American Airlines! So, I had to then go find another hotel that could accommodate me for the evening. That was an adventure.
I finally get home and my emotions are running amok. I'm not sure why. Since I've been home, I am almost positive that I have ruined a friendship of more than 20 years. I asked a few questions, they were misconstrued and some things were inferred incorrectly. So, now I've lost one of my best friends.
Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just crawl into bed? I am right now. I wish I could call the man who loves me more than anything to come pull me tight and tell me everything will be ok. I just need to find this man. Or, come to the realization that he does not exist and give it all up.
Some days I just need a hug and for someone to truly mean it.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Hurting
Yesterday I received a text from someone I thought I had a friendship. He told me that it was painful to talk with or text me. He said I should think of him as dead. He wanted me to cut off all communication. I told him that I respected him enough that I will do as he wishes, but if he ever needed me or wanted to talk, I would be there. He responded that he would never need me.
In the moment, I was hurt. I even shed a couple of tears. It made me very angry after I got over the initial shock. I realized that all this man has done is hurt me. He's been quite nasty to me at times but very sweet at other times. The ups and downs of our friendship were very rough for me, at one point, we were romantically involved. That part of our relationship ended and all we were left with were the friendship.
He has blamed me for all his failed romantic relationships. He claims I am the reason he acts the way he does. I am not the reason for his pain. If he has reconciled in his mind that I am the genesis of all the pain he has endured during his lifetime, that is not on me. I know that. I just wish he would realize I am not the true cause.
But, now I no longer have to endure his wrath. I hope that one day we are able to be friends again, but until then, I'll just have to hope that whatever the true demons living in him are able to be exorcised.
Then again...maybe I am a demon. Talk to me soon, xo.
In the moment, I was hurt. I even shed a couple of tears. It made me very angry after I got over the initial shock. I realized that all this man has done is hurt me. He's been quite nasty to me at times but very sweet at other times. The ups and downs of our friendship were very rough for me, at one point, we were romantically involved. That part of our relationship ended and all we were left with were the friendship.
He has blamed me for all his failed romantic relationships. He claims I am the reason he acts the way he does. I am not the reason for his pain. If he has reconciled in his mind that I am the genesis of all the pain he has endured during his lifetime, that is not on me. I know that. I just wish he would realize I am not the true cause.
But, now I no longer have to endure his wrath. I hope that one day we are able to be friends again, but until then, I'll just have to hope that whatever the true demons living in him are able to be exorcised.
Then again...maybe I am a demon. Talk to me soon, xo.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
The Goat Farmer
Yes, you read that correctly. I went out with this guy who has been asking for a couple years. I finally said yes and agreed to meet him at a convenient location downtown. We somehow became Facebook friends about four years ago. But we have no mutual friends or anything in our profiles that match. I'm not sure how he found me, but he did.
Every time he's asked I have politely declined the date. I'm not sure why I said yes this last time but I know I'll never say yes again. He asked me to meet him at a bar that is surrounded by a lot of restaurants. As I'm walking up to the bar, i'm dreading it already. We introduce ourselves and he immediately asks what I think about pizza and wine. There's a pizza place a few doors down, so that's where I assume we're going. To my surprise, he turns and walks into the bar we're standing in front of, and sits in a booth.
I follow him into the restaurant, assuming he wants a drink. To my surprise as soon as we sit down, he asks what I think about barbecue pizza. I look at him questioningly, as the server walks up. He orders wine and asked me if I want any, I did not. I needed to keep a clear head so I can get out of there. He starts talking about pizza again, and I ask they serve food here? He claimed it was the best food on Market Square. (Spoiler alert, it's not!)
He orders the pizza and asked for jalapenos on the side. The server tells him that he will have to pay for them and he asks how much? She said it would be between one and two dollars and he sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about if he wanted them. He finally decided to get them and I sat there wondering how long I had to stay without appearing too rude.
He kept talking about getting free food at tailgates and the opera and all of these other crazy things and finally I asked him what it was he did for a living. He said that he didn't work, he had retired already. He dodged the questions about from where he retired. I asked what he did now and that's when he said he was a goat farmer.
He ended up buying me a flower for the man walking around downtown selling them. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he insisted. Then he took my picture with it, here's hoping it didn't end up on social media! Then he asked to walk me to my car. I told him that was unnecessary. He insisted. On the way to the car, he was limping. I asked if he had parked in the same garage as me and he said no. This is where he asked me to go to the opera with him in February. Valentine's day to be exact. (This was very early January) I said thank you, but I had other plans.
We rode the elevator up with an elderly couple in the garage. He said he lived in a different part of town and had not driven. He asked for a ride home! I had just met this guy, was completely uncomfortable and did not want him anywhere in my car!
Lesson learned? Don't go out with someone you've been blowing off for two years and you are not remotely attracted to, it will end badly.
Every time he's asked I have politely declined the date. I'm not sure why I said yes this last time but I know I'll never say yes again. He asked me to meet him at a bar that is surrounded by a lot of restaurants. As I'm walking up to the bar, i'm dreading it already. We introduce ourselves and he immediately asks what I think about pizza and wine. There's a pizza place a few doors down, so that's where I assume we're going. To my surprise, he turns and walks into the bar we're standing in front of, and sits in a booth.
I follow him into the restaurant, assuming he wants a drink. To my surprise as soon as we sit down, he asks what I think about barbecue pizza. I look at him questioningly, as the server walks up. He orders wine and asked me if I want any, I did not. I needed to keep a clear head so I can get out of there. He starts talking about pizza again, and I ask they serve food here? He claimed it was the best food on Market Square. (Spoiler alert, it's not!)
He orders the pizza and asked for jalapenos on the side. The server tells him that he will have to pay for them and he asks how much? She said it would be between one and two dollars and he sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about if he wanted them. He finally decided to get them and I sat there wondering how long I had to stay without appearing too rude.
He kept talking about getting free food at tailgates and the opera and all of these other crazy things and finally I asked him what it was he did for a living. He said that he didn't work, he had retired already. He dodged the questions about from where he retired. I asked what he did now and that's when he said he was a goat farmer.
He ended up buying me a flower for the man walking around downtown selling them. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he insisted. Then he took my picture with it, here's hoping it didn't end up on social media! Then he asked to walk me to my car. I told him that was unnecessary. He insisted. On the way to the car, he was limping. I asked if he had parked in the same garage as me and he said no. This is where he asked me to go to the opera with him in February. Valentine's day to be exact. (This was very early January) I said thank you, but I had other plans.
We rode the elevator up with an elderly couple in the garage. He said he lived in a different part of town and had not driven. He asked for a ride home! I had just met this guy, was completely uncomfortable and did not want him anywhere in my car!
Lesson learned? Don't go out with someone you've been blowing off for two years and you are not remotely attracted to, it will end badly.
Friday, January 16, 2015
This week
My last seven days
Friday I was told I was a mistake (romantically speaking)
Saturday fell off my bed and hurt my knee
Sunday I don't remember
Monday really bad date
Tuesday ten year anniversary of my daddy's death and I had to start testing for organ donation
Wednesday horrible date (different guy) he even asked me for a ride home
Thursday was told "it's not you...its me" by someone I had not even met yet! Why do I agree to blind dates?!
This has to get better, right? Or should I just go buy a bunch of cats and forget it all?
Talk to me soon. xo
P.S. I had a date Sunday night with a different guy. He also asked for a ride home?! WhTs up with guys these days?
Sunday, January 11, 2015
This sucks
This is going to be a hard week. Tuesday is the tenth anniversary of my Daddy's death. This. Just. Sucks. There's no other way to say it. I don't have him here to run to when I need something. Or, for him to hug me and tell me it's all going to be ok.
I have to just suck it up and be an adult. The dead dads club is one I do not want to be a member. But, I can't change what has happened. It seems like my life has been one big screw up after another.
So, I'm going to try and turn things around. I'm going to be tested this week to see if I'm a liver match. I'm going to try to be a live donor for a friends husband. He is a very sweet man, and Elaine is such a sweet lady. I want to do all I can.
What do you think? Talk to me soon. xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)