June

Well. The month is here. I have 29 more days to go before it is over. This is a month that I really don't like. And this year it is much worse. I have to deal with some legal issues. That's really all I can say since it is ongoing. But, it isn't going to be an easy one.

There are many reasons I'm not a fan. Father's Day sucks when your Daddy is no longer living. The day after my birthday is the anniversary of my Uncle's death. there are other things that have me riled up about the month. But, I can't really get into them. Maybe one day. But today? I have to still keep it all bottled up.

So, pray to your God, send good karma, or vibes or whatever it is that you do. But, send them all to me. I need all the help I can get for the next 29 days.

Talk to me soon. Please?

Swollen eyes

well, when you wake up and your eyes are so swollen, all you can do is wonder why you cried all night in your sleep. Now I have all day to over-analyze why I was crying. I can try to say it was it was because of the month of June, which makes me very sad, but it isn't.

It is because of a choice I've made in my life. Now, I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to get myself untangled from this mess. The problem is, I don't know if I want to be untangled. As you may have guessed, this decision is about a boy.

If he's causing me this much grief and sorrow, why do I stay, you ask? It's because as much as grief as he causes me, he causes me even that much, or more, joy. My whole emotional life is such a roller coaster right now. One minute I'm up. The next I'm down. I've got such high highs and low lows that I never know from one minute to the next. Am I going to be laughing or crying? No, I'm not bipolar, not that there is anything wrong with having that mental illness. I am just depressed. So very depressed. And yes, that is a medical diagnosis. Not a self-proclamation.

I'm sitting here typing this and the tears are rolling down my face as steady as a stream. So, I think that's my cue to stop writing for now. If you have any tips or advice, feel free to comment. I'd love to know that anyone is listening.

Talk to me soon, xoxo

Another day, another panic attack

Well, if it isn't one thing, it's another. But, today, no tears have been shed. I've came to many conclusions today, each one contradicting the last. Leaving, staying, taking him up on his offer to date other men, deciding to not date others. Going back and forth on optional surgeries. Well, I feel they are necessary, others don't...including my insurance.

My impulses are just to give up. I'm putting myself up for adoption. Feel free to comment if you want to take responsibility of me.

xo

Where have all the tears gone?

Well, I've almost been through the whole day with no tears. and the few I did have, had nothing to do with him...so that's a bonus, right?

Am I really this stupid?

Yes, you read that right. Today I feel like an idiot. For many reasons. One of which would be because the way I'm allowing myself to be treated. I am head over heels in love with this man. Every single inch of my being is because of him. 

He wants something, I go buy it. He casually mentions something, I make a mental note and surprise him. I see something I think he'd like? I run and go buy it. Why? Because that's who I am. I'm a giver. I enjoy seeing the pleasure on his face when I give him something. Plus, he loves surprises. 

But how many red flags will it take for me to realize...maybe this isn't a healthy relationship. I'm not going to list the flags, because if you're reading this, and know me, you'd probably come smack me. And for good reason. 

I lie in bed and cry at night, but during the day, when I'm able to speak to him, I'm euphoric. Im giddy, I feel like a schoolgirl. But is that enough to make me happy? A part-time lover (stop singing!) is all I have. Why do I allow myself in these situations? 

When will I allow myself to be truly happy? Or, realize that I deserve to be happy? Maybe I'll just be the single, old lady that no one ever misses. 

This used to be an e-mail

I spent the whole morning thinking of you. Wondering how your night was, what you did, if you were happy. If you thought of me. If you ever think of me when we aren't together? 

Then I realized, that's stupid. Of course you don't. When you're not with me, you're with the love of your life. The woman that makes you truly happy. The woman you'll be with until the end of your days. I'm just a distraction, a shiny new toy. Your latest plaything. 

You said on that very first day, you became addicted to me. What does that mean? Honestly? I don't think I've ever been addicted to anything, so I'm a bit unsure of what that means. 

I adore you, entirely too much. You hold your emotions close and don't let anything out. It makes me sad that you hold so many secrets, but maybe one day you'll trust me. I'm not sure what I need to do to earn your trust, maybe I should ask. I never have. And that's on me. You tell me to just live in the moment and take things day by day, but, it's so very hard. 

I do that in some aspects of my life. I did actually die once. Obviously, they brought me back, but, since then, I have tried to live each day to the fullest. It's very hard when I don't even know if we will have a tomorrow. All we will ever have is today, and that scares me more than I have ever been scared. And trust me, I've been one scared little girl many, many times. 

I know I'm never actually going to send this to you, so I don't know why I keep typing. It's cathartic, like my blog. Writing is always a good release for me. Maybe I should have made this an entry, not a phantom e-mail? 

Supermodel? I think not.

Well, if yore keeping up, I know you're on the edge of your seat to find out how my big photo shoot went.

It started out with me getting lost trying to find the place. I finally get there and it was a bit while they were setting up the shoot. They have me and another girl pose a few different ways and I'm angling my face for thr best light and to get the best angle.

The photospherer looked at me and said you do realize your face won't be in this, right? So, my fantastic new highlights and blowout were for nothing. Well, not really. They look fab. But, only my hands, legs, arms and maybe my butt will be famous. Maybe I'll be the next Kardashian.

Talk to me soon, marshmallows!
xoxo