It's official

I know you'll be happy to learn that Schroeder and I came to a resolution tonight. He are I have passed our window of opportunity. We will always be an important part of each other's lives, but we will only be friends. I won't lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. But, it is what is best for everyone involved. Irreparable damage has been done over the last 24 years and it can't be what I have built it up in my head to be. Nor are we able to start fresh and rewrite our future.

Why am I telling you this? Catharsis. I need to exorcise the demons that have been in my head and get on with my life. I need to start dating again. But, do I try to seek out something new? Fall back on something comfortable? What do you think? I don't like to let people into my heart. It's a very guarded and locked up chamber. I don't know that I have the strength to go through another heartbreak. But? Isn't that what life is all about? 

Good, bad or indifferent, what do you think? 

My triumvirate

In general, I'm a lucky girl. I have a roof over my head, I am in a relatively safe environment. My parents didn't abuse me. I am a cordial person. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. Here's my current dilemma. 

When I started seeing Schroeder, I had been casually dating a couple other guys. I knew that my heart and soul belonged to Schroeder, from the minute I kissed him. So, I broke things off with the other two. 

Now, fast forward a couple months and we are not in the most ideal of circumstances. He is still it for me. Of that, I am sure. But, for some reason, the two guys have crept back in. Texts, social media, phone calls, they are both contacting me again. I've done nothing to encourage it and have been quite vocal about where my heart belongs. 

What is a girl to do? What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Am I not memorable?

I have a group of acquaintances that I would sporadically get together. We would be at a house party, in a bar, at a restaurant, hanging out in Market Square or whatever. I have been at mutual events with this one guy for at least two years. We have had long conversations and it's pretty clear that we are past the point of introducing ourselves. Now, I don't mean reminding each other of our names. Introducing ourselves, like we have never met. It is kind of a big joke now.

He works as a demo guy at the grocery store I frequent and the first time I saw him there, I said hi and was talking to him like I knew him. He had a blank stare on his face. It was clearly meaning "who are you?" To which I reminded him who I am. He was still clueless. So, now, every time I see him I just ignore him. I had to remind him we had met at the last couple of events we went to mutually. I give up. If he doesn't remember me, apparently it is my own fault. I need to be more memorable.

Now, my close friends might disagree. I am loud, funny, memorable. The life of the party. That's me. So, it just makes me laugh that he is completely clueless. It's his loss, not mine. And no, I do not want to try your chicken casserole!

While I have been off work from my surgery, I have had a lot of time to reflect and focus on me. I don't like having all that time to myself. There is one special person I want to hold me and reassure me while I am in turmoil. But, he needs time. Maybe I should reinvent myself and introduce him to that Cupcake? No, I would never be happy if I changed myself for a man. Or anyone for that matter. What's a girl to do?

Talk to me soon! xo

Continuing Education

I'm a big advocate for knowledge. Especially when it comes to continued education classes. This world is so fluid, that you can't possibly know everything about your chosen profession. Or hobby or whatever it may be. 

Tonight I have to go to a class for my life insurance license. I found this to be the most boring venture I've ever gotten myself involved. I'll probably never sell one policy, to be honest. But, in case I do, I need to keep my license current. So, I had to drag myself out on this cold, wintery night. So, if you happen to see me out tonight, don't be offended if I'm crabby. 

By the way, have you seen my AmEx? Talk to me soon. 

Just call me Grace

I am not a graceful person. I never have been, and am almost positive that I never will be. When I took my ballet classes as a kid, I'm sure the instructor felt like a criminal taking my parents money. If not, she should have.

That being said, I bruise easily. I have lots of bruises that pop up without any explanation. Normally they are on my arms or thighs. This morning, I woke up with several unknown bruises on my right foot. It has became a joke to me. Everyone else seems to think it is worrisome that I don't know how I get bruised.

Funny story, one semester during college I had three jobs. I sold shoes at a department store, I was a nanny (dear God, why?!) and I worked at UPS loading trucks at night. In addition to those jobs, I also had a full class load. There were literally three hours per day that my time wasn't committed. Now, I didn't live with my parents at this point, so they didn't know about UPS. I figured that they would just be worried. I was being a good little girl and trying to protect them. About a week into this job, my arms are covered with bruises and so are my thighs. But, it was a fall semester, so I had jeans on most of the time. My parents thought I was dating someone who was beating me! The placement of some of the bruises on my arms looked like they could have been fingermarks from where someone was holding me too tight. About three weeks into working for them, I get my first check. It does not have my name on it. It's my Daddy's name, but my SSN. He was listed as my emergency contact, that was the only thing I could think of as to how his name got on there. So, I had to give him the check to cash, which outed me as working for the parcel company.

Sorry, I get off on side stories, but I'm going to tie it all back together. I hope that tomorrow I don't wake up with any mysterious ailments, bruises or scrapes. Until then, stay safe and talk to me soon.

It's cold and I'm on the fence

I've always been a hot natured person. I muh prefer the winter to summer. In public, there's only so much you can take off, AmIRite? 

But, in the last two years, I have been trying to get rid of the body that ate me. For one reason or another, I had doubled in size since high school. Not cool. I finally woke up one day and said enough is enough. There was no promise of a man, job or tangible item that made me have this ephipany. I was killing myself and knew I needed to change. 

I have lost 138 pounds in the last 14 months. I'm still not where is like to be, but I'm getting there. But I have an acquaintance who is in the same path, for different reasons and that's what I want to talk to you about today. 

She is currently "dating" (and I use that term loosely) a man she met at work. He lives in another state. They have never met in person. They have sent pictures back and forth, but no skype, FaceTime or anything where they physically lay eyes on each other. The pictures she is sending are from about five years ago I have no idea if his are current or not. She says they are in love and will be married. They've been together one month. 

She said she can't meet him until she looks like those pictures again. My theory is if he doesn't like you in your current state, then do you really want someone that superficial? If you can't love me fat, why would I give you the time of day when I'm smaller? 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

#curlyhairdontcare kind of day

So, my hair has natural curl to it. Not the beautiful waves that you may be thinking, but some crazy, on meth kind of curls. They go a bit of everywhere. Normally I don't leave it curly, I try to blow it out straight. It isn't so bad that I have to get a $200 Brazilian when I want to make sure it is straight, but maybe I should. The tresses are not my friend. Most days. My hair gets all kinds of frizzy, unless a professional is involved. But today, I'm having a #curlyhairdontcare kind of day.

I had surgery last week and am not sure when I am going to be released to go back to work. With my lovely job, I don't get paid if I'm off sick. I'm going to have to go back sooner, rather than later, I'm afraid. I woke up to not having my paycheck deposited, as expected. My account being overdrawn. I haven't paid most of my credit cards in at least a month, some more. My student loans are so far past due it isn't even funny. I feel like I'm back in my 20's. I'm far too old to have these money problems.

I have two jobs, technically three, if you count the "at-home" job I have with a direct marketing company. My facade of a self-sufficient woman who doesn't have to rely on anyone else is crumbling. Fast. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Assuming I live to be in my 80's, this would be half.

I really screwed up the first half. Here's hoping the second half is better.