What's next?

I need to suck it up and become a productive member of society. Don't get me wrong, I do have a job. I do pay taxes. But what's next?

It seems we're always looking for something bigger and better. But what happens when you run out of the next big thing? I am not saying that everything is been sunshine and roses and that I have nowhere to go but down. In fact, I've just been skating along in mediocrity.

When I say that, I'm speaking professionally not personally. I've had some amazing highs and lows on the personal aspect of my life. I'm just ready to have something professionally, where it feels like I can excel.

I don't have regrets. And I'm not saying that ironically, there's really no point in them. It does me no good to dwell on the past, to what if the situation, or to imagine another outcome. But as I sit here I can't help to think what I've done the last decade. Should I have stayed with that government job? Should I have accepted that corporate job I turned down?

Why can't we just have a map? Life would be so much easier.

Silly me

Someone came back into my life, but only for a minute. I allowed this to happen, so I'm not trying to play a sympathy card. For a very, very long time I felt that I didn't deserve a mate. Tben I started to look around. I saw all my friends paired with their "soul mates" and it got me thinking. Where's mine?

Maybe I don't deserve one. Maybe I had him and let him go. Maybe he still is yet to come. Or maybe, I'm destined to be alone. One thing I don't like is the uncertainty. I wish that I could just see what was to happen. I don't understand why I feel so alone, when I'm surrounded by people constantly.

Sometimes I let my depression get the better of me, but I try to not let it win. It's so hard living inside my head. And just think is this all there really years?

When it rains, it pours

Hello chipmunks! Well, things are a bit tricky in my world right now. I'm in transition trying to find a new job. The office I was working in closed and the lateral transfer would have me moving four hours away. So, I am not working for a company while looking for gainful employment elsewhere.

I am also trying to navigate the dating world. It's not fun. Trust me. As I told you before, there are two men who have caught my eye. One, I'm insanely attracted to and am anxious to see where it goes. The other one, not so much. He sends me multiple messages daily. He seems to have no other interests or friends outside of me. We have only been seeing each other a few weeks, so it makes me wonder what he did in his free time before that.

He is very clingy and has really big self-esteem issues. He seems to need constant reassurance. It seems as though he monitors my social networks and knows when I'm active on them all to send me direct messages saying as much.

I told him that I'm not comfortable at this point with him having children and he didn't seem to have any problem with this. I find that odd. I just don't know what to do. He's a nice enough guy, I'm just not attracted to him at this point. I want to just see if we are able to be friends. But, I don't know what to do with this. I don't deal well with confrontation. He wants to see me daily. I don't even want to see MYSELF daily!

Tell me the truth? Do you think I'm a horrible person for not wanting to bring this man into my world knowing he isn't divorced. And, even more important, that I don't want to raise his children.

I just don't know what to do. Where's Brandi when I need her?! Talk to me soon. xo

I know you're sick of me...

I'm 41. We are all going to have baggage. Whether it is with exes, kids, parents, or any combination of those three and anything else. What I need to try to find out is, what is my breaking point? You've been separated for two years, but no divorce yet? You've got kids. Multiple kids. Same mom, different moms, multiple ex-wives? What am I willing to allow in my life?

This, I need to determine. Before I get involved too deep. Maybe I care for you. Maybe I don't. Maybe I like us on paper, but not in real life. Does this make me a bad person? Let me give you some background. In case I haven't told you, I've never been married. I do not have children. And I'm ok with that, on both counts. I knew from a very young age that I didn't want kids of my own.

Now I'm at a stage in my life where I need to decide if I want someone else's kids in my life. I haven't been able to discuss this with my therapist, so by default, you are my sounding board. How am I going to navigate this?

There are two men that I'm currently seeing. (And I use that term very loosely!) They both are in the process of getting a divorce. One has signed the decree, just waiting on the finalization period. The other hasn't even filed paperwork yet. They both have multiple children. I'm attracted to one of them, the other, I can't decide.

I just don't know what to do. Why oh why am I in this situation?! Feel free to respond, I'm anxious to hear your reactions. Good, bad and ugly. Talk to me soon! xoxo

This is what a feminist looks like

Call me crazy, but I want to be in love. I want a man to hold my hand, to kiss me like he's never going to see me again. I want to have that all-consuming passion. I want someone to want me so bad, he won't have anyone else if he can't have me. In other words, I want someone who does not exist.

It is my birthday this weekend and I think upon reflection of where I've been in life, I'm not sure I've made the best decisions. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, because I regret nothing. Dwelling on something will get me nowhere, I'm on the wrong side of mid-life, so I am just pondering things at the moment.

For a VERY long time, I just assumed I would never get married, and I was ok with that. I didn't need a man to complete me. I still don't need a man to complete myself, but I want one. I've dated and had a few lovers over the years and they all hold a special place in my mind and heart. They always will, but it will be a small place.

I want someone who thinks of me and a smile passes his lips. If he has a fleeting thought and thinks it'll make me laugh or smile, for him to call or text me. I want to get random messages that say he has been thinking of me. Or just send one that says good morning. Is that really too much to ask? No one is busy ALL THE TIME!

I want someone who wants to crawl into bed just to snuggle. Hold my hand as we are sitting on the couch. Hug me just because he hasn't in a few hours. Put his arm around me and pull me close in bed so I am able to put my head on his chest.

In other words, I want someone to love who loves me back. Truly, madly and deeply loves me with reckless abandon. I will reciprocate, of that you need not worry. Feel free to reach out to me. I hope to find him soon. I'm not getting any younger and I want to spend as much time as possible with him.

Am I being unreasonable? Talk to me soon. xoxo

What to do

Hello again! Sorry it's been a bit since I last wrote. I have been in a crazy, mixed-up headspace. I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm supposed to get there. My office is closing in five days and I have not been able to line up anything at this point. Not even a temporary position!

On top of that, I had been seeing this really great guy. He's a few years older than me and we were getting along great. He has three jobs, so he is really busy, but we made it work. He would text or call when he had time. He was always a perfect gentleman. But then, one day, out of the blue, he just went MIA. He didn't return any calls, or texts. He had asked me to be patient in the beginning since he is so busy. I thought I had been, but one night, I called to see if he was coming over. He got really angry at me and said that he'd come when he had time. At that point, I hadn't seen him in three weeks. Another week has passed and he didn't reach out to me once.

In that week, another fella started showing interest in me. He seems really nice, and funny. He came by today and we hung out for a couple of hours. He was uncomfortable and I tried to lighten the mood by telling silly stories. I am pretty sure I'll never hear from him again.

So, what's a girl to do. I am so sick of starting over. I'm the only common thread in all these failed relationships, so obviously it is me. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about this instead of a bunch of  strangers. Feel free to chime in!

What's the point

So, I've been on a high for the last week. Not high on drugs, I don't do those. But, high on life. I just got back from the most amazing trip and it was first-class all the way. It was something I had won from work and there were about 300 other people on this journey as well.

We were able to take someone with us and since I don't have a husband, or a serious boyfriend, I took one of my friends. She and I had such a good time. Meeting new people, doing new things, visiting places we had never been before. It was magnificent.

Getting home was a bit of a nightmare, there were mechanical issues, plane delays, waiting in line for five hours to get rebooked, diversions to unscheduled layover airports and the list goes on. It took 19 hours for a flight that should have taken 2 1/2.

The airline did comp a room for me when I finally arrived in Dallas, but it was a hotel that I was actually afraid to stay in by myself. Thanks American Airlines! So, I had to then go find another hotel that could accommodate me for the evening. That was an adventure.

I finally get home and my emotions are running amok. I'm not sure why. Since I've been home, I am almost positive that I have ruined a friendship of more than 20 years. I asked a few questions, they were misconstrued and some things were inferred incorrectly. So, now I've lost one of my best friends.

Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just crawl into bed? I am right now. I wish I could call the man who loves me more than anything to come pull me tight and tell me everything will be ok. I just need to find this man. Or, come to the realization that he does not exist and give it all up.

Some days I just need a hug and for someone to truly mean it.