Resolutions

It's that time of year again. People are making plans, spouting off public declarations. Saying that they are going to be (insert anything here) this next year. New year, new beginning...blah, blah, blah. It's all just a bunch of hogwash. We tell each other these things to feel better about ourselves. But, in all honesty, nothing will change. Trust me on this. Whether your resolution is to lose weight, be nicer, work out more, whatever it is, chances are that by January 30, all resolutions are going to be long forgotten.

That's why I am approaching this in a different manner. I resolve to be a better person next year. I will be more present in my life and that of the ones I love and care about. If you need me, I'll be there. When we say we need to get together, it won't just be an empty statement. Too much time has gone by without me seeing those that I love. As I get older, I lose more people. We all do. Death is the only certainty we have in this life. I don't want to be on my deathbed wishing I had seen the people I love more.

In addition to being more present, I resolve to continue my journey to health. I have lost a lot of weight in the last 18 months. I have been eating healthier, exercising and trying to get myself to the place I want to be. I switched trainers and am doing a new regimen now. So, I think I'm back on a good path. I have been going to the gym at least once per day. In this next year, I hope to continue this track record of going daily.

Now, I also hope to get to a place in my job that will make me happy. There are a couple of startups that I'm thinking about going into. It is scary to think of branching out on my own. Especially since I would be solely responsible for these endeavors. But, I have a couple of ideas about companies that may be exactly what I need. If not, I will land where I'm supposed to be. If that's working for myself, then that would be fantastic. If it is working a corporate gig, that's ok too. I just need some guidance and the one source I have to talk about this, well, he isn't really speaking to me right now.

So, I'm in a state of unrest going into this new year, but, I'm ok with that. I hope you talk to me soon and that I haven't rained on your parade of tonight. xo

You would think I'd learn

There are so many lessons to learn in life. If we are lucky, we never stop learning. I try to learn something every day. Today, I started to work with a new personal trainer. I learned how to work with some new machines. And, how to properly use the ones I was using incorrectly!

One lesson I have not learned is to not go on blind dates. I have not had a lot of luck with them. Either the boy is mean, indifferent or just not compatible with me. Normally, there is only one date. Sometimes, we get along and a 2nd or 3rd date comes about. We talk about how we met, our mutual friends that may have set us up, or whatever we have in common.

What normally happens is that one of us gets bored. Either he wants it to progress farther than I want it to at this point, or we realize that we are going nowhere. If you're keeping up, you know that I got hit by a fella recently. That was a blind date. So, I guess I can add getting punched to the list of why my blind relationships don't work!

I'm not like most people. If everyone is going right, I'll go left. Sometimes the other path leads to the best surprises. A lot of people are very free with sex. I'm not saying that I have inhibitions or am a prude, but I think that sex just for the sake of having sex isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have needs just like the next girl, and I'm no virgin. But, I'm not going to have sex with someone unless I have true feelings for him.

Now, I'm not saying my way is right. Or that I will always feel this way. But, I've felt this way for quite a while now. I know that kids these days are having sex with any and everything that isn't nailed down. I'm sure there are teenagers who have had more sexual partners than I have. What do you think?

Talk to me soon, xo.

Big Eyes

I have a friend in from out of town and we went to dinner and a movie tonight. She and I got to catch up and have some fun. We only get together a couple times each year and that is bad. With work, family, and other commitments, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

Tonight we had some yummy Mexican food, then went to see the movie Big Eyes. Have you seen it yet? If not, go see it now. It's really funny, enlightening, sad, heartbreaking, and I could keep going on! It goes right through the entire emotional roller coaster of emotions. I love movies like this that make me think.

I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but any review you read will tell you this part. The female lead is made to submit to her husband with her art. It made me think about the way marriages are today versus back in the 1960's.

Back then, women didn't really have a say in things, from what I've learned in books and movies. Sometimes, I think about how far our society has come and wonder. Are all these changes good? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women having a voice and being able to do and say what they want. I just think that we have become a disposable society. Be it a boyfriend, marriage, job, or even something small, like clothing. Everything is replaceable.

Are we all looking for the next "bigger, better thing?" Talk to me soon, I'm here for you! xo

Decisions, decisions

Whether we realize it or not, everything we do has a ripple effect. Each and every decision we make, be it little or small, is going to alter our future. Now, it may not have a noticeable effect at the moment, but somewhere down the line, it will hit you. Or, you may not ever think of that moment again.

I've been evaluating my life lately. Call it what you will, self-realization, reflection, a mid-life crisis, or remorse. There were so many minute details that I either tossed away, ignored or felt like they didn't matter. As I'm finding out now, they made a huge change in my life.

There was one job I had, about 8 years ago. I really liked the job, I just didn't care for the location. So, I resigned. There were other factors in my resignation, but when it comes down to it, I needed to come home to "recharge" and grieve a loss. At the time, I thought it was exactly what I needed. Now, on one hand, I realize it was the dumbest thing I could have done. On the other, it was the right decision.

I just wish I had all the answers. I know it would make life a bit boring, but, knowing where and when we were supposed to do things would make life so much simpler.

I hope you're doing well. Talk to me soon, mon'Amis!

Why bother?

I'm writing and writing, pouring out my deepest and darkest secrets. Is anyone reading this? Am I talking to an imaginary audience? Does anyone even care? If I stopped, would you notice? I'm only asking because I don't know if this is still a good medium for me. If you are reading, are you entertained? Do you like what I have to say? Are you sick of me? Talk to me. Tell me what you want to hear. I'm happy to have an open dialog, but, I'm not heating a peep from you. 

Let me know what you think. Should I boyher? Talk to me soon. xoxo Cupcake 

Hugs, love and everything else

Today, I needed a hug. A real hug, from someone who loves me. Someone who hugs like they mean it. But, I didn't get one. Yes, I've seen friends and family today. I've gotten the half-hearted hug. You know the one I mean. It feels like they are only hugging you because they have to. I despise those hugs. If that's all the effort you're going to put into it, don't bother. 

It is Christmas Eve. Today would have been my Daddy's 69th birthday. In a couple of weeks, it will be the ten year anniversary of his death. Most people love this time of year. For me, it just brings up remorse, sadness, loneliness and grief. If I could just go away somewhere from December 15-January 20th, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Everyone else has gone on about their business. Getting married, having babies, getting divorced, as if nothing has happened. If no one mentions it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to resolve these feelings. What can I do? 

I try to find a nice fella to date, he hits me. I reconnect with my first love, only for that to not work either. Yes, we are still friends, but S will never be anything more than my friend. He's made that clear. I would rather have him in my life than not, so I'm grateful for his friendship. 

As for me being single, I'm beginning to think that the only plausible conclusion is that I don't deserve to be loved. Now, I'm not saying that for you to perceive it as a cry for help. Maybe I've done too many wrong things in my past. When you weigh the good against the bad, maybe the bad side wins? People keep telling me I've just not met "him" yet. I'll let you in on a secret, I have met "him" but once I realized it, it was too late. 

So, tell me what you think? The good, bad, ugly or indifferent. If love to hear your thoughts. Do you believe that there is only one true love for each of us? 

Talk to me soon, and Merry Everything! 

Elvis Costello

Have you ever heard the song She by Elvis Costello? If I had to pick, I would say it is my favorite song. It is such a beautiful song. It makes me very happy and sad at the same time. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a song I love. Let me explain.

There have been times in my past when I thought of what my wedding day would look like. All little girls have done this, even some big girls! This is the song that I wanted to be sung as I walked down the aisle. To me, my husband would have felt the way about me, that Elvis sings in this beautiful ballad. I don't know if I can post the lyrics on this site without it being a copyright infringement, so I won't. Instead, I'll post a link to the site that has the lyrics, She by Elvis Costello for you to find.

I knew who I wanted to sing the song, in case I couldn't get Elvis to do it, I needed a backup plan. This song makes me smile when it comes on. But, as it continues, it also makes me sad. The reason is because I know I will never get married. I know I will never walk down the aisle while this is sung. I also know that I'll never have anyone who feels this way about me.

Not having a wedding, or being married, isn't such a big deal to me. I'm somewhat happy. Sort of self-sufficient. But, when I think of never having anyone to wake up with, or someone to come home to, someone I can always count on. That makes me sad. It makes me so very sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not tying my happiness up with a man. And, I don't think that a man will ensure my happiness. I just feel sort of pouty.

Why not me? Why shouldn't I have someone in my life? I have a great circle of friends to rely on. I know that any number of them would come running, if I needed. But, they will still go home to their wives and husbands. I just want someone to be my person. Is that so wrong?

Talk to me soon. xo

Lifelong friends

Hey ya'll! How are you guys doing today? I've been to a Christmas party tonight at an old friend of mine's house. We have been friends for most of my life. He and I became friends when I was in the 3rd grade. He is very special to me. I love him and would do anything for him. His wife is special to me too. She is great, very understanding and tolerant of our relationship. We do not have any romantic feelings for each other, and we never have.

There were a few people there tonight that I didn't know and I didn't realize the strange looks they kept giving to us. We were sitting on the couch. Sporadically, I would lay my head on his shoulder. He had his hand on my thigh. At some points, he would hold my hand, or lean over and kiss the top of my head. He had his arm around me when I got cold. Finally, one of the women I didn't know well turned to his wife. She had a WTF look on her face. Wifey started laughing and said "Oh, that's just them. They've always been very close. They've known each other since they were tiny." When I got there and when I went to leave, he kissed me and told me he loved me, as he hugged me bye.

This leads me to ask, do you have friends of the opposite sex? If so, are you that close? Do your significant others have any problems with this? Do you think this is wrong?

Talk to me soon, I hope you're having a good Saturday night.

Just call me Dr. Cupcake

Today, I had to have an exploratory surgery. This is the fifth surgery I have had in the last 14 months. It's getting tedious. At this point, I either own a wing of the hospital, or have an honorary MD. I'm going with the MD. So, from now on, you can just call me Dr. Cupcake. 

With each subsequent surgery, I'm getting more and more in debt. When I went in yesterday to see the doctor that ended up scheduling this procedure, I posed a question to him. I need to get your input on this, he thought I was insane. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take out the dispensable things still inside of me. My appendix, for example. I'm positive that as soon as January 1 hits, something big is going to blow up. It may not happen, but that is my luck. 

Or, they'll finally figure out what this pain in my right side is and have to cut me open again. I'm just sick and tired of being sick. And tired. I want to live a happy, healthy, normal life. I want to love, travel, be happy. I want what every other person wants. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that. But, I've given everything to everyone else in my life for so long, that maybe it's ok for me to be a bit selfish for a bit. 

Even as I type that, I know it won't happen. I have a nature that always puts my own needs last. I don't know why that is, but I am who I am. I can't change that. When I put my mind to something, I'm in all the way. I don't do anything halfway. So, if I know you need something, I'm going to get it. It doesn't matter if I have to spend my last dime on you, I will. Need me to drive four hours to pick you up from the airport? No problem. 

Nevertheless, I hope you are doing well and enjoying learning about me, one post at a time! Talk to me soon! 

How I got a black eye and Trypanophobia

This is a long, winding road to get to the point! Stay with me, you'll want to see what happens in the end.

I had to go today and have 35 injections in my head. (This is relevant, I promise, stay with me.) I was in a car accident when I was 16 and in a coma for a couple weeks. I've had problems with migraines and headaches since then. The injections are the last resort to try and help curb these pesky migraines. In all honesty, I'm down to 2-3 a month instead of 5-10. So, I consider this a win. I still have headaches on a daily basis, but I've learned to live with that.

I hate needles. With a passion. It's one of the very few things in life I can honestly say I hate. I get all panicky and start to hyperventilate if I see a needle coming at me. Or, one stuck in me, like an IV. There have been many times where I've passed out while they were taking my blood or trying to inject me with something. I pray daily that I never become an insulin dependent diabetic. If you are, you are one brave cookie! In light of my phobia of needles, or Trypanophobia, my neurologist has prescribed Valium for me to take before I come in for the injections. Now, I only go every three months and he writes the script for 4 pills. So, I'm not going to become a junkie, in case you were going to lecture me.

My appointment today was supposed to be Tuesday originally, so I had already taken the allotment of Valium for this appointment on Tuesday. The appointment had to be rescheduled at the last minute, so I didn't have anything to take today to calm me down. As I was telling Schroeder this, he said I should just suck it up and quit being such a loser. (Not his exact words, but the basic sentiment.)

I go in today, get my injections and it was horrible. I didn't pass out, but when I walked out of the office and to the desk to schedule my next appointment, a teenage girl and her mom kept starting at me. I was crying and my face was all red and blotchy from having to sit through that myself. The teenager's eyes were so big, I thought they would pop out of her head! I made my appointment and checked out. They were doing the same at the terminal next to me. I walked to the elevator, still crying. When I got on, the same teenager and mom had turned the corner and went down the elevator with me. I'm sobbing. It was quite the scene. As we all got out in the lobby, the mom put her hand on my shoulder and said "we'll pray for you." I looked at her and was able to squeak out "thank you."

In hindsight, me freaking out, sobbing and inconsolable, leaving a neurologist's office, I'm pretty sure they're praying for my brain cancer to heal. Luckily, I don't have brain cancer, it was just the medicinal injections that were making me cry. But, on the plus side, someone is praying for me tonight!

Now, to get to what happened after the appointment. Apparently, my sarcasm doesn't translate well to someone who hasn't been around me for a long time. I had something happen today that has not happened in a very long time. I'm hopeful you'll be as surprised as me. Maybe I had it coming? Or, I deserved it? You tell me.

Since the whole romantic thing with Schroeder ended, I haven't wanted to try to go out with anyone else. He and I are still friends, so we talk and text. You might think that is strange, but I do love him. If all we are destined to be is friends, that doesn't change my love for him, so I'm thankful to have him in my life in whatever capacity I am able to have him.

There were a couple guys I was casually seeing before S and I got back together. They are both still texting or calling me to try to get back together, but I truly felt nothing but friendship for either of them. I have explained, ad nauseam, to both of them that I have no romantic feelings for either. They think they can change my mind, but, when it's not there, it is just not there. I don't think it would be fair to go out with either of these guys when I know their feelings are deeper than that for me. They disagree, they think they can change my mind.

Instead, I agreed to go on a blind date. I've gone out with this guy Brian three times. I was still trying to feel him out (metaphorically, not physically) and see if this was going to be something I wanted to continue to pursue. Normally, by the third or fourth date, I know. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes I know right away. My initial thoughts were this, he seemed nice enough. He called to check on me, or sent me messages just to say hi because he was thinking of me. I was beginning to think that maybe this could turn into something. But, I'm still cautious. I have had my heart in a locked chamber for so long before S that I didn't know if I really wanted to let someone else in. I felt that when S and I ended the romantic part of our relationship, I would never let anyone else into my heart. I've got it locked up and it has a very thick wall around it. With a moat.

Let me tell you what happened today. After I left the neurologist office, Brian texted me and asked me to stop by his place. Since I hadn't taken anything, I was driving myself, so I went by there. We were talking, laughing and he was trying to get me in a better mood since I was still upset about the injections. We were talking about something that happened to him at work yesterday. He said something about a co-worker insulting him about a mistake he made at work and I came back with a witty retort. He spun around and looked at me with fire and fury in his eyes and asked "what did you say?" So I repeated it "I don't make mistakes, I date them." I was only trying to be funny because that's who I am. As he was walking toward me, I told him I was just trying to be funny.

The next thing I know, I'm flat on the ground. He punched me. He told me to get out of his place and never come back. Luckily, he only hit me once. But, once is still one too many. Now I am probably going to have a beautiful black eye. What do you think? Is he in the right here? Are we both to blame? Talk to me soon.

Did he really just ask that?

So, I went in today on a job interview. It was for a part-time job, if you're keeping up, you know I'm trying to find a way to supplement my income. Turns out, my full-time job is going away, so I'm trying to save every penny I'm able. I had a nice little savings in place, but in the last 14 months, I've had four surgeries and that has wiped me out. What's even worse, is that in wiping me out, it didn't even pay all my bills! Oh well, that's what I get for being an adult.

Anyway, back to the point. One question he asked me was if I had a gun permit. Funny enough, I got that a couple months ago. I'm just trying to get the money together to send it into the state to become fully licensed. So, I told him yes, I did have one. He said good, you'll have to bring your own gun into work with you during your shift, is that a problem? Now, I haven't bought/borrowed/obtained a firearm yet, so yes, that would be a problem. He said that I could come into work without it, but he did not recommend that. Apparently they get robbed a lot. And the robbers are normally armed.

We continued on with the interview. He told me he liked me and he felt good about it, but he still had others to interview. He is supposed to call me within the week. After leaving the location and coming home, I began to think about the whole interaction. Do I really want to work somewhere that I would need a gun? Do I really think it's a good idea to go into said location without a firearm? Do I want to have a gun pulled in my face so I can make $9 an hour?

Chances are, they are going to hire a man for this, I assume. Not to be sexist, but, I would be left there alone and working at night, in a place I may or may not need a gun would make me a bit uneasy. But, a girl's gotta make a living, huh?

I hope you're doing well, talk to me soon. xo

What would happen?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just disappeared? I've been contemplating that a lot lately. If I just vanished, would anyone really notice? I mean sure, all my frenemies would act like they cared, for a day or two. But once the next hot piece of gossip hit, they'd forget about me. 

My mom would be upset, but the rest of my family, I'm not so sure. My true friends would be upset for a week, maybe two, before it started to fade. It all just makes me wonder what's the point? 

I try to do the right thing. I'm nice, I volunteer, I give to others. I put myself last in every situation. But where does that get me? Don't get me wrong, I don't do things expecting anything in return. Ever. I do them out of the goodness of my heart and from an honest place. But sometimes I wonder, when is someone going to do something for me?! 

This sounds pious and self-righteous. I really don't mean it to be. I mean, if I were a Muslim, the scales on my good deeds would far exceed any wrongdoing in my life. But, I'm not, so I don't have to worry about that particular judgement. 

Flowers for no reason, a call just to say I love you, someone missing me so much they can't wait another moment to hold me in their arms, those are the things I crave. And miss. Don't misinterpret me, I'm not whining. At this point in my life, my biggest problem is wondering how I'm going to pay the bills each month. (Or, to be honest, which bills will get paid that month.) No one is currently beating me. I don't have any kids to worry about. I don't have anyone who belittles or berates me on a daily basis. (Just every so often, and I chalk that up to problems in that persons life.) 

Maybe I'm selfish, but I just want to be happy. Genuinely, happy. Is that too much to ask? 

Talk to me soon, Mon'Amis.

Second chances

There is so much negativity in this world, we need to all look at the bigger picture. Not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. There are so many things that happen that seem like the end of the world at the time. We just need to take a step back and analyze what really happened. That person may be having the worst day of their life. They may be lashing out at you just because you are there. 

In reality, most conflict between people are not really between those two. It's an internal conflict with the person who picked the fight. I normally just let things roll off my back. If someone says truly hurtful things to me (which happens more than you'd think) I don't let them see my hurt. Yes, your words and actions do hurt me. I am a very sensitive person. But, I will only let those emotions come out in private.

Whatever your friend, lover, boy/girlfriend or spouse is going through, my feelings are minuscule in comparison. I will be over it quickly. But, your feelings may not heal for some time. I don't want to compound the situation with me lashing back to you. 

So, the moral of the story is that you should forgive and forget. Holding onto things to throw back into your partners face is only toxic. It will not lead anywhere I want to go. But, I may be an anomaly. 

I hope you're doing well and enjoy my ramblings. If not, let me know. We will still be pals! Talk to me soon! 

A new job?

It's no secret that I am unhappy in my current position. Today a list came out with a list of offices that will close next quarter. While I should be happy to have a job, I am hopeful that when I get the courage to open that e-mail tomorrow, I will have some clarity. 

If it turns out that we are closing, it will be good for me, physically and emotionally. Financially is another story. I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. It isn't cool. I am currently drowning in debt, I have so much that I should be thankful for, but I spent so many years living beyond my means. I am trying to dig my way out, but it isn't easy. It seems as if there is no end in sight. 

I've applied for so many part-time jobs, but I keep hearing the same thing. You're too qualified. You'll be bored. You won't be here for the long haul. Why won't you people give me a chance?! Seriously, I just want to be a bartender. It's my lifelong goal, I promise I'll stick around! 

How do you manage when you're in over your head? Talk to me soon! xo

Traditions

Herr Drosselmeyer, Clara, Fritz...these are a few of my Christmas traditions. I go to see The Nutcracker each year with a friend of mine. We've gone annually for at least 15 years. Probably longer. 

It's the one consistent thing in my life. My Daffy used to make fun of me, saying that the story didn't change from the year before! But, it's the one sure thing. It's nice to have things we can count on in life. When so much is uncertain in this world, the little things make me feel so safe. 

One other thing you can count on is me watching the Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. I love them! Especially Moonlight and Mistletoe. That has to be my favorite. It doesn't matter that five minutes into the movie I've figured out what will happen. I still watch them. I've been a bit disappointed in the new films this year, but, I still watch. 

What do you do for your holiday traditions? Talk to me soon. 

This is why we can't have nice things

Last night, I get home and pull into my garage. I'm getting my bag out of the backseat and I notice the door into my place is wide open. No lights are on and I am contemplating if I should go on inside. Then I realize that's what the dumb blonde that does in the first five minutes of every scary movie does. So, I get back into my car and back out of the driveway. 

I call the sheriff's office and ask to speak to someone I know. He's off. The guy answering asked what's was going on, and he transferred me to 911. Now, the dispatcher starts grilling me, making sure I didn't leave the door open myself etc. He stays on the phone with me until the officers arrive. 

Two squad cars drive up and tell me to stay outside. The whole time they were inspecting my house, I'm worried they're going to have to shoot someone in my living room and that's just going to piss me off. 

I have this beautiful white rug in there. It's a one of a kind and retailed for more than I care to admit! Let's just say it's hand loomed and leave it at that. 

Now, about twenty minutes go by before the two men come out to get me. But, I didn't hear any shots fired, so I'm counting it as a win. They tell me everything looks ok, nothing looks as if it had been gone through. But they want me to double check since I'm the one who lives here. 

Nothing had been stolen, thankfully. No one was bleeding to death on my rug. And all seemed to be ok. I counted these all as a win! 

They proceeded to give me a lecture about safety and advised me to call if I needed anything else. Maybe I just need a guardian. Or a pool boy to do these things for me. Feel free to apply! 

Talk to me soon! 

High School

I was part of a clique in high school that, in retrospect, was kind of like a movie mashup. We were part Mean Girls, part Heathers (without the murder,) a little bit of Clueless and some Bring It On thrown in for good measure. 

What kind of kid were you? Did you have all the "right" friends? Go to the best parties? Wear the current clothes? Did you have the world at your fingertips? I did. I just didn't realize it. Looking back, I can't believe how naïve I was. And, to an extent, I still am. I take people at their word. I will believe anything you tell me. Until you give me a reason not to, I'm going to think your words and actions are golden. 

Another trait I have is to forgive easily. I've been told it's a major flaw. But, it's ingrained into me so deeply that I really don't know that there is anything you could do to me that I would not forgive. Unless you murder me. Then, I wouldn't be here to forgive you. But chances are high I wouldn't hold it against you from beyond the grave. 

Back to high school. There are two moments in high school that still effect me to this day. I wish more than anything I could go back in time, like a book or movie. I know this isn't realistic. I had no idea that a decision would have such a long lasting change in my life. I still have a problem making rash judgement decisions, but I'm trying to work on that. 

I hope you're having a good Monday. Talk to me soon! 

What's a girl to do

For most of my life, I have always done what is expected of me. Whatever my parents wanted me to do while I was under their roof, I obliged. That has spilled over into my adulthood as well. If someone asks me to do something, chances are I'm going to say yes. Whether it is something I want to do is irrelevant. 

Just once, I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to stand up and fight for what I want. Or who I want. I just want to be happy. Now don't get me wrong. My happiness is not contingent on another person. I know I am the only one who can make me happy. 

The problem is, I'm not making decisions that will ensure my happiness. I speak and act before I think. I make rash decisions that blow up in my face. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now and have stopped. But, I haven't. I've ruined some relationships with my hasty decisions. 

So, if I ever have a harsh word or react in a way that you may not like, please talk to me about it. I would hope you wouldn't sever ties completely with me. But, if you feel that's your only course of action, just know that I'm always here for you. Regardless of what has happened. 

J'adore mon ami! Talk to me soon. 

Put on a happy face, or why I'm not hiding in the bed crying my eyes out then apologizing

A hundred times a day people ask me how I am. I would venture that 99% of them don't really care. They want me to say I'm good, ask them some pleasantries and move on. Just once, I'd like to tell someone how I really felt in that moment. But then they'd run off scared and never speak to me again. In some instances, that might be a good thing!

Why are we conditioned to do that though? Take this week, for example. This has been the most horrible week on record for me. Yes, I have this outlet to put my thoughts to the (proverbial) paper. I have had a smile plastered on my face for five days now. But what did I really want to do? Stay in bed with my head buried under a blanket crying my eyes out. In the morning when my alarm went off, my blanket felt like it weighed 30 pounds and it was too heavy to lift off me. I wanted to call in sick to work and not get out of my pajamas all day. But, I couldn't do that. I had to soldier on and put on my clothes, look cute and go out into public. I had to fraternize with the masses. Schmooze people to make a sale. Try to make a buck, so I'd be able to sustain myself.

Yes, it was as horrible as it sounds, but, I only have myself to blame. In case you don't know of what I'm speaking, read the posts from this week and you'll be caught up. But, I'm not letting it get the best of me. You can't keep a good man up, or something like that. The facade will crumble, my cracks will begin to show. It's like when they found the Wizard behind the curtain in Oz. My persona is going to be revealed eventually. Don't get me wrong, if you're really asking me how I am, I'm going to tell you. But, if you're some random person ringing up my groceries, someone I may have a conversation once a year on Facebook or a client, I'm not going to divulge my innermost thoughts to you.

In what I like to think of as "things you probably don't really want to know about me, but I'm going to tell you anyway," here's some more gems for you. I have a bad habit of apologizing. That sounds crazy right? Well, if you've had a bad day at work and you tell me about it, I'm going to say I'm sorry your day was bad. Even though I had nothing to do with why your day went bad. I guess it's my way of empathizing with you. It drives some people in my life mad that I apologize. I don't know how to respond to that. When you tell me something like you've had a bad day, you broke your arm, the shirt you wanted was sold out or anything else along those lines, how am I supposed to respond? No, I didn't break your arm in half or buy all the shirts you wanted, but I'm still sorry that you are going through that. It may seem inconsequential when I say I'm sorry, but I truly am.

I know that I had no part in whatever it is you are telling me about, but how else should I respond? I'm honestly asking. What do you think? It doesn't diminish my sorrow for your pain, anguish or frustration. But how do you want me to respond?

Well, this has truly been one of the most grueling weeks of my life. I'm hopeful that next week will be a bit better. I'll never get over the heartache I have from the events of this week, but I'm hopeful, with time, that I will be able to get back to a state of normalcy. Or, as normal as I've ever been?! I hope your weekend is all sunshine and purple hydrangeas! Talk to me soon, au revoir mon ami!

Presents

It's that time of year again. Trying to find that perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas list. But how are we going to do that? Ask them what they want? Try to find it ourselves? Or are we going to just buy them what I would want?

Whichever way we go, it's going to be wrong. Either they'll change their mind or they won't like what I picked out. Sometimes, I think we should just skip the giftgiving, what about you?

I think that would be an incredible idea, to just skip the gifts. But, the kids would not understand. Don't give me wrong, I don't have any kids. But my niece and nephews would not have any of that. My biggest problem with them though they always wait till the last minute. And what they decided they want is the same thing every other teenager wants. So of course I can't find it.

So here I go to every online retailer I can think of every brick-and-mortar but no luck. I'll be even called friends out of town they were coming in to see if they can give me what I need. I can't be the only person that goes through this, am I? 

Talk to me soon. 

The Doors

I'm watching a documentary about The Doors. I love their music, but I'm not digging the movie. It isn't really telling me anything new. I would have learned all this information with watching the Val Kilmer movie about them. Luckily, I'm watching it at home and not wasting $12 to go see it. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about supporting indie films. But it needs to engage me. Teach me something. Otherwise, it's a waste. 

Take the movie Boyhood for instance. That was three hours of my life I will never get back. That was the most overhyped movie in my opinion. It had a great concept and had plenty of potential. But, it fell flat. In a major way! There was no character development. I didn't know anything about any of the characters when the movie ended. Other than watching them age 12 years. 

Talk to me soon! I hope your day has been great! 

The end

Well, if you're keeping up, I wanted to full you in on the results from last night. He isn't willing to speak with me. He is still angry about the misinterpretation of my text. So, our friendship is over. 

I don't understand him wanting to throw away a friendship. I can understand if he wants to end the sexual nature of our relationship, but to throw away a true friendship? Those are so rare and valuable, to me anyway. I just don't understand why. This is going to be rough to get through. 

What would you do? Talk to me soon. 

How do I fix this?

Someone said to me today that if you follow your heart, you can't go wrong. I must disagree. I've been in an unusual situation recently. I had followed my heart, but it just got me into trouble. It wasn't a relationship in the conformist definition. It was more of an arrangement. We had a mutually beneficial plan. There is one aspect normally in a relationship that we were not getting from our respective relationships. He and I fulfilled that with each other. 

Now, we had a past, so there were emotions involved. It was a beautiful thing. It was clear cut, with no mistake what this was and what it wasn't. I loved having my friend as my lover. But, it was not going to become anything more. I know that. He knows that. 

Here's where it gets a bit fuzzy. He tells me it's ok to text him. Ok to tell him I love him. He wants to know what is going on in my life and for me to keep him informed about what is going on with me. But then, when I do these things, he gets angry with me. I don't understand. 

Now, he's so angry with me, he may never even speak to me again. There are so many things I still want to say. But our separate relationships make that difficult. 

Will he ever know that even though I love him, our friendship and platonic love is infinitely more important? Maybe he's secretly reading this and he will know my thoughts. Or, he has decided to cut me off completely and that decision is final. 

I'm so very hopeful that all is not lost. We had such a beautiful thing. I hope and pray it's not gone forever. Talk to me soon. Let me know what you're thinking. 

Texting, oh how I hate it!

Texting has to be the worst form of communication. We have leveraged ourselves to not having actual conversations with people. Now, we only text or use social media to get across what we are trying to say. I miss actually speaking with people. Mostly because a text can go so horribly wrong.

Take today for instance. I sent a text with an innocent, little sentence. The recipient took it to mean completely the opposite of what I meant and he proceeded to let me have it. As I tried to explain the context in which I meant this, he was not hearing any of my words. He was so angry about what he thought I meant, he wouldn't see what I actually meant. We went back and forth, in text, for quite some time. Finally, I just gave up and called him. Knowing he wouldn't answer, I left a message trying to explain where the miscommunication had came into play. He called me while I was leaving a message and I think I convinced him I did not mean what he thought I had said.

Now I want to ask you, have our smartphones truly made us an unsocial society? With all the social media rampant today, it seems ironic to ask, but what do you think? Social media gives us a platform to hide behind. We have all these cute cards to pin or share that we think says exactly what we are thinking, but saying it better than we could. We never express our own true feelings to a person, face to face. Or even in a conversation on the phone. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a conversation with a person on the phone. To me, that is sad. If we are friends, I want to talk to you, I want to be able to call you and tell you what is going on. I want to hear your voice, your laughter, your sadness. I don't want you to just send me a text. But, I'm in the minority on this. But, if that is the only way we have to communicate, I am going to text you. If I have a stupid, random thought that pops into my head and I want to tell you, I'll text you. If you are too busy to answer, then don't.

Yes, it is easier to just send a one or two word text to try to convey what we are feeling. I think that friendships and relationships are suffering because of this. I know I may have lost a friend today because of a text misunderstanding. That breaks my heart. Just know, that if I ever send you a text, there is no hidden meaning. The words mean exactly how they read. If I want a word emphasized, I'll put an * around it. No * means no emphasis on any word, got it?

I hope you've had a good day, let me know what you think. Talk to me soon.