Hugs, love and everything else

Today, I needed a hug. A real hug, from someone who loves me. Someone who hugs like they mean it. But, I didn't get one. Yes, I've seen friends and family today. I've gotten the half-hearted hug. You know the one I mean. It feels like they are only hugging you because they have to. I despise those hugs. If that's all the effort you're going to put into it, don't bother. 

It is Christmas Eve. Today would have been my Daddy's 69th birthday. In a couple of weeks, it will be the ten year anniversary of his death. Most people love this time of year. For me, it just brings up remorse, sadness, loneliness and grief. If I could just go away somewhere from December 15-January 20th, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Everyone else has gone on about their business. Getting married, having babies, getting divorced, as if nothing has happened. If no one mentions it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to resolve these feelings. What can I do? 

I try to find a nice fella to date, he hits me. I reconnect with my first love, only for that to not work either. Yes, we are still friends, but S will never be anything more than my friend. He's made that clear. I would rather have him in my life than not, so I'm grateful for his friendship. 

As for me being single, I'm beginning to think that the only plausible conclusion is that I don't deserve to be loved. Now, I'm not saying that for you to perceive it as a cry for help. Maybe I've done too many wrong things in my past. When you weigh the good against the bad, maybe the bad side wins? People keep telling me I've just not met "him" yet. I'll let you in on a secret, I have met "him" but once I realized it, it was too late. 

So, tell me what you think? The good, bad, ugly or indifferent. If love to hear your thoughts. Do you believe that there is only one true love for each of us? 

Talk to me soon, and Merry Everything!