Wednesday, November 19, 2014

My triumvirate

In general, I'm a lucky girl. I have a roof over my head, I am in a relatively safe environment. My parents didn't abuse me. I am a cordial person. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. Here's my current dilemma. 

When I started seeing Schroeder, I had been casually dating a couple other guys. I knew that my heart and soul belonged to Schroeder, from the minute I kissed him. So, I broke things off with the other two. 

Now, fast forward a couple months and we are not in the most ideal of circumstances. He is still it for me. Of that, I am sure. But, for some reason, the two guys have crept back in. Texts, social media, phone calls, they are both contacting me again. I've done nothing to encourage it and have been quite vocal about where my heart belongs. 

What is a girl to do? What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Am I not memorable?

I have a group of acquaintances that I would sporadically get together. We would be at a house party, in a bar, at a restaurant, hanging out in Market Square or whatever. I have been at mutual events with this one guy for at least two years. We have had long conversations and it's pretty clear that we are past the point of introducing ourselves. Now, I don't mean reminding each other of our names. Introducing ourselves, like we have never met. It is kind of a big joke now.

He works as a demo guy at the grocery store I frequent and the first time I saw him there, I said hi and was talking to him like I knew him. He had a blank stare on his face. It was clearly meaning "who are you?" To which I reminded him who I am. He was still clueless. So, now, every time I see him I just ignore him. I had to remind him we had met at the last couple of events we went to mutually. I give up. If he doesn't remember me, apparently it is my own fault. I need to be more memorable.

Now, my close friends might disagree. I am loud, funny, memorable. The life of the party. That's me. So, it just makes me laugh that he is completely clueless. It's his loss, not mine. And no, I do not want to try your chicken casserole!

While I have been off work from my surgery, I have had a lot of time to reflect and focus on me. I don't like having all that time to myself. There is one special person I want to hold me and reassure me while I am in turmoil. But, he needs time. Maybe I should reinvent myself and introduce him to that Cupcake? No, I would never be happy if I changed myself for a man. Or anyone for that matter. What's a girl to do?

Talk to me soon! xo

Monday, November 17, 2014

Continuing Education

I'm a big advocate for knowledge. Especially when it comes to continued education classes. This world is so fluid, that you can't possibly know everything about your chosen profession. Or hobby or whatever it may be. 

Tonight I have to go to a class for my life insurance license. I found this to be the most boring venture I've ever gotten myself involved. I'll probably never sell one policy, to be honest. But, in case I do, I need to keep my license current. So, I had to drag myself out on this cold, wintery night. So, if you happen to see me out tonight, don't be offended if I'm crabby. 

By the way, have you seen my AmEx? Talk to me soon. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Just call me Grace

I am not a graceful person. I never have been, and am almost positive that I never will be. When I took my ballet classes as a kid, I'm sure the instructor felt like a criminal taking my parents money. If not, she should have.

That being said, I bruise easily. I have lots of bruises that pop up without any explanation. Normally they are on my arms or thighs. This morning, I woke up with several unknown bruises on my right foot. It has became a joke to me. Everyone else seems to think it is worrisome that I don't know how I get bruised.

Funny story, one semester during college I had three jobs. I sold shoes at a department store, I was a nanny (dear God, why?!) and I worked at UPS loading trucks at night. In addition to those jobs, I also had a full class load. There were literally three hours per day that my time wasn't committed. Now, I didn't live with my parents at this point, so they didn't know about UPS. I figured that they would just be worried. I was being a good little girl and trying to protect them. About a week into this job, my arms are covered with bruises and so are my thighs. But, it was a fall semester, so I had jeans on most of the time. My parents thought I was dating someone who was beating me! The placement of some of the bruises on my arms looked like they could have been fingermarks from where someone was holding me too tight. About three weeks into working for them, I get my first check. It does not have my name on it. It's my Daddy's name, but my SSN. He was listed as my emergency contact, that was the only thing I could think of as to how his name got on there. So, I had to give him the check to cash, which outed me as working for the parcel company.

Sorry, I get off on side stories, but I'm going to tie it all back together. I hope that tomorrow I don't wake up with any mysterious ailments, bruises or scrapes. Until then, stay safe and talk to me soon.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's cold and I'm on the fence

I've always been a hot natured person. I muh prefer the winter to summer. In public, there's only so much you can take off, AmIRite? 

But, in the last two years, I have been trying to get rid of the body that ate me. For one reason or another, I had doubled in size since high school. Not cool. I finally woke up one day and said enough is enough. There was no promise of a man, job or tangible item that made me have this ephipany. I was killing myself and knew I needed to change. 

I have lost 138 pounds in the last 14 months. I'm still not where is like to be, but I'm getting there. But I have an acquaintance who is in the same path, for different reasons and that's what I want to talk to you about today. 

She is currently "dating" (and I use that term loosely) a man she met at work. He lives in another state. They have never met in person. They have sent pictures back and forth, but no skype, FaceTime or anything where they physically lay eyes on each other. The pictures she is sending are from about five years ago I have no idea if his are current or not. She says they are in love and will be married. They've been together one month. 

She said she can't meet him until she looks like those pictures again. My theory is if he doesn't like you in your current state, then do you really want someone that superficial? If you can't love me fat, why would I give you the time of day when I'm smaller? 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, November 13, 2014

#curlyhairdontcare kind of day

So, my hair has natural curl to it. Not the beautiful waves that you may be thinking, but some crazy, on meth kind of curls. They go a bit of everywhere. Normally I don't leave it curly, I try to blow it out straight. It isn't so bad that I have to get a $200 Brazilian when I want to make sure it is straight, but maybe I should. The tresses are not my friend. Most days. My hair gets all kinds of frizzy, unless a professional is involved. But today, I'm having a #curlyhairdontcare kind of day.

I had surgery last week and am not sure when I am going to be released to go back to work. With my lovely job, I don't get paid if I'm off sick. I'm going to have to go back sooner, rather than later, I'm afraid. I woke up to not having my paycheck deposited, as expected. My account being overdrawn. I haven't paid most of my credit cards in at least a month, some more. My student loans are so far past due it isn't even funny. I feel like I'm back in my 20's. I'm far too old to have these money problems.

I have two jobs, technically three, if you count the "at-home" job I have with a direct marketing company. My facade of a self-sufficient woman who doesn't have to rely on anyone else is crumbling. Fast. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Assuming I live to be in my 80's, this would be half.

I really screwed up the first half. Here's hoping the second half is better.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I miss your love

I'm in love. Head over heels, stupid love. Smiling at songs on the radio because they remind me of him kind of love. Everything is sunshine and rainbows, nothing will ever go wrong kind of love. Then, I remember that it's me. So, of course something is bound to go wrong. Let me tell you a little story.

Schroeder (that's what I call him, adorbs, huh?) So, Schroeder and I have dated in the past. Twice actually. He is my very first love. But, when we were together, both times, outside forces tore us apart. Now, he had no idea that I loved him. I had no idea what my feelings were, to be perfectly honest. I was scared, confused, happy, and every other emotion all balled into one. We were pretty young the first time we dated. He was not my first boyfriend, but he sure was the only one who had that type of impact on me. Sure, I thought I had been in love up to that point. But boy, was I wrong.

We happened to fall back into each others lives about two months ago. It was perfect. The second day we were together, I told him I loved him, I had always loved him. My love for him was the one constant for more than half my life. Little did I know, he had loved me this whole time too.

We had a conversation one night by text. He was flying back to me, he had been on a business trip. He began asking questions about why I had broken up with him the first time. I gave him the reason and he was very angry. Now, just so you know the whole story, it was my Dad that had made me break up with him the first time. In hindsight, I believe it was because he saw how emotionally involved I had become with Schroeder and did not want me to be in that serious of a relationship. It broke my heart to do it, but I was a good little girl and did what I was told. I thought it would be better for him if I didn't give him the details, I was completely wrong about that.

So, while he was on the plane, he told me that he never wanted to see me again. He thought that my ex-boyfriend and my Dad were colluding to get him out of the picture. Now, in his defense, I did get back together with my ex after he and I broke up. But, the only reason I went back to him was because he was safe. I was comfortable with him. I knew that my ex and I would go out, nothing serious and life would get back to normal. I could not have been more wrong.

Now, fast forward about a month after he gets home from his trip. We have seen each other twice since then. I informed him that I didn't care what year it was, he was not breaking up with me over a text. So, he finally came and saw me after he'd been home a couple weeks. We talked about everything and decided that after loving each other for more than half our lives, without knowing each others feelings, that this was too much to let go. So, he said he needed some time. I said I would give him all the time he needs, but I needed to know what that meant. No talking? No texting? No seeing each other? So, he told me texting was fine, but that was it.

Fast forward a couple more weeks, we've been texting. I was getting some mixed messages from him and I thought he was at a point he wanted to see me. Sunshine was flooding my windows, flowers were in bloom, everything was right in the world again! Then, I find out, he was drunk. He still didn't want to see me yet. Ok, I let it go and respected his wishes. Then, last week, I'm having surgery. I knew something would go wrong and I wouldn't make it through. So, I insisted he see me before surgery. He relented and said ok. But, he got sick and couldn't. Now, it's been almost a week since my surgery, I still haven't seen him, we have barely texted. Or, he has barely texted me. I still update him with what's going on, telling him I love him and all the other nonsensical texts that you send to a boy you love. I'm thinking everything is going ok, then I get a text that says I just can't be with you now. Everything is different. Of course I have a meltdown. Again, I think he's trying to break up with me by text. He wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't love me. So, I tell him that if that is the case, I have to see him one last time. I needed him to tell me this to my face. If this is going to be it, and we will never be together, I had to hold him in my arms one last time.

He agreed to see me, but not that day. I sent a text asking if he could see me the next day. He says no. I text him and ask him to not prolong this inevitable conversation. He asks why. So, I plead my case. I tell him that I have to see him, we owe it to ourselves to have that closure. He calls me to have this conversation and the call lasts one minute. I told him that if was to be the last time we were ever to be together, I needed to see him.

Well boys and girls, here's where it gets messy. He gets so angry. Apparently, his message of he can't be with me was his way of saying he needed more time. I thought he was ending things for good. I'm in a standstill at the moment. I'm waiting for direction from him. I don't know if he does or doesn't want me to text. I know he doesn't want me to call. And he definitely does not want me asking him to come over!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss him. I miss the way he smiles at me. The way he says my name. The way he kisses me. The way he holds me tight like he never wants to let go. But, most of all, I miss the way he loves me. I also have been mourning the last 24 years that we lost. I've been so depressed, I don't know what to do or what to say. But, I'm here. Waiting. Hoping that one day, I'll get a text or call. Possibly he will just show up at my front door. Whatever happens, I will be here waiting, for my Schroeder.

What do you think? Talk to me soon.