Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I miss your love

I'm in love. Head over heels, stupid love. Smiling at songs on the radio because they remind me of him kind of love. Everything is sunshine and rainbows, nothing will ever go wrong kind of love. Then, I remember that it's me. So, of course something is bound to go wrong. Let me tell you a little story.

Schroeder (that's what I call him, adorbs, huh?) So, Schroeder and I have dated in the past. Twice actually. He is my very first love. But, when we were together, both times, outside forces tore us apart. Now, he had no idea that I loved him. I had no idea what my feelings were, to be perfectly honest. I was scared, confused, happy, and every other emotion all balled into one. We were pretty young the first time we dated. He was not my first boyfriend, but he sure was the only one who had that type of impact on me. Sure, I thought I had been in love up to that point. But boy, was I wrong.

We happened to fall back into each others lives about two months ago. It was perfect. The second day we were together, I told him I loved him, I had always loved him. My love for him was the one constant for more than half my life. Little did I know, he had loved me this whole time too.

We had a conversation one night by text. He was flying back to me, he had been on a business trip. He began asking questions about why I had broken up with him the first time. I gave him the reason and he was very angry. Now, just so you know the whole story, it was my Dad that had made me break up with him the first time. In hindsight, I believe it was because he saw how emotionally involved I had become with Schroeder and did not want me to be in that serious of a relationship. It broke my heart to do it, but I was a good little girl and did what I was told. I thought it would be better for him if I didn't give him the details, I was completely wrong about that.

So, while he was on the plane, he told me that he never wanted to see me again. He thought that my ex-boyfriend and my Dad were colluding to get him out of the picture. Now, in his defense, I did get back together with my ex after he and I broke up. But, the only reason I went back to him was because he was safe. I was comfortable with him. I knew that my ex and I would go out, nothing serious and life would get back to normal. I could not have been more wrong.

Now, fast forward about a month after he gets home from his trip. We have seen each other twice since then. I informed him that I didn't care what year it was, he was not breaking up with me over a text. So, he finally came and saw me after he'd been home a couple weeks. We talked about everything and decided that after loving each other for more than half our lives, without knowing each others feelings, that this was too much to let go. So, he said he needed some time. I said I would give him all the time he needs, but I needed to know what that meant. No talking? No texting? No seeing each other? So, he told me texting was fine, but that was it.

Fast forward a couple more weeks, we've been texting. I was getting some mixed messages from him and I thought he was at a point he wanted to see me. Sunshine was flooding my windows, flowers were in bloom, everything was right in the world again! Then, I find out, he was drunk. He still didn't want to see me yet. Ok, I let it go and respected his wishes. Then, last week, I'm having surgery. I knew something would go wrong and I wouldn't make it through. So, I insisted he see me before surgery. He relented and said ok. But, he got sick and couldn't. Now, it's been almost a week since my surgery, I still haven't seen him, we have barely texted. Or, he has barely texted me. I still update him with what's going on, telling him I love him and all the other nonsensical texts that you send to a boy you love. I'm thinking everything is going ok, then I get a text that says I just can't be with you now. Everything is different. Of course I have a meltdown. Again, I think he's trying to break up with me by text. He wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't love me. So, I tell him that if that is the case, I have to see him one last time. I needed him to tell me this to my face. If this is going to be it, and we will never be together, I had to hold him in my arms one last time.

He agreed to see me, but not that day. I sent a text asking if he could see me the next day. He says no. I text him and ask him to not prolong this inevitable conversation. He asks why. So, I plead my case. I tell him that I have to see him, we owe it to ourselves to have that closure. He calls me to have this conversation and the call lasts one minute. I told him that if was to be the last time we were ever to be together, I needed to see him.

Well boys and girls, here's where it gets messy. He gets so angry. Apparently, his message of he can't be with me was his way of saying he needed more time. I thought he was ending things for good. I'm in a standstill at the moment. I'm waiting for direction from him. I don't know if he does or doesn't want me to text. I know he doesn't want me to call. And he definitely does not want me asking him to come over!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss him. I miss the way he smiles at me. The way he says my name. The way he kisses me. The way he holds me tight like he never wants to let go. But, most of all, I miss the way he loves me. I also have been mourning the last 24 years that we lost. I've been so depressed, I don't know what to do or what to say. But, I'm here. Waiting. Hoping that one day, I'll get a text or call. Possibly he will just show up at my front door. Whatever happens, I will be here waiting, for my Schroeder.

What do you think? Talk to me soon.

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