Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Resolutions

It's that time of year again. People are making plans, spouting off public declarations. Saying that they are going to be (insert anything here) this next year. New year, new beginning...blah, blah, blah. It's all just a bunch of hogwash. We tell each other these things to feel better about ourselves. But, in all honesty, nothing will change. Trust me on this. Whether your resolution is to lose weight, be nicer, work out more, whatever it is, chances are that by January 30, all resolutions are going to be long forgotten.

That's why I am approaching this in a different manner. I resolve to be a better person next year. I will be more present in my life and that of the ones I love and care about. If you need me, I'll be there. When we say we need to get together, it won't just be an empty statement. Too much time has gone by without me seeing those that I love. As I get older, I lose more people. We all do. Death is the only certainty we have in this life. I don't want to be on my deathbed wishing I had seen the people I love more.

In addition to being more present, I resolve to continue my journey to health. I have lost a lot of weight in the last 18 months. I have been eating healthier, exercising and trying to get myself to the place I want to be. I switched trainers and am doing a new regimen now. So, I think I'm back on a good path. I have been going to the gym at least once per day. In this next year, I hope to continue this track record of going daily.

Now, I also hope to get to a place in my job that will make me happy. There are a couple of startups that I'm thinking about going into. It is scary to think of branching out on my own. Especially since I would be solely responsible for these endeavors. But, I have a couple of ideas about companies that may be exactly what I need. If not, I will land where I'm supposed to be. If that's working for myself, then that would be fantastic. If it is working a corporate gig, that's ok too. I just need some guidance and the one source I have to talk about this, well, he isn't really speaking to me right now.

So, I'm in a state of unrest going into this new year, but, I'm ok with that. I hope you talk to me soon and that I haven't rained on your parade of tonight. xo

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

You would think I'd learn

There are so many lessons to learn in life. If we are lucky, we never stop learning. I try to learn something every day. Today, I started to work with a new personal trainer. I learned how to work with some new machines. And, how to properly use the ones I was using incorrectly!

One lesson I have not learned is to not go on blind dates. I have not had a lot of luck with them. Either the boy is mean, indifferent or just not compatible with me. Normally, there is only one date. Sometimes, we get along and a 2nd or 3rd date comes about. We talk about how we met, our mutual friends that may have set us up, or whatever we have in common.

What normally happens is that one of us gets bored. Either he wants it to progress farther than I want it to at this point, or we realize that we are going nowhere. If you're keeping up, you know that I got hit by a fella recently. That was a blind date. So, I guess I can add getting punched to the list of why my blind relationships don't work!

I'm not like most people. If everyone is going right, I'll go left. Sometimes the other path leads to the best surprises. A lot of people are very free with sex. I'm not saying that I have inhibitions or am a prude, but I think that sex just for the sake of having sex isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have needs just like the next girl, and I'm no virgin. But, I'm not going to have sex with someone unless I have true feelings for him.

Now, I'm not saying my way is right. Or that I will always feel this way. But, I've felt this way for quite a while now. I know that kids these days are having sex with any and everything that isn't nailed down. I'm sure there are teenagers who have had more sexual partners than I have. What do you think?

Talk to me soon, xo.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Big Eyes

I have a friend in from out of town and we went to dinner and a movie tonight. She and I got to catch up and have some fun. We only get together a couple times each year and that is bad. With work, family, and other commitments, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

Tonight we had some yummy Mexican food, then went to see the movie Big Eyes. Have you seen it yet? If not, go see it now. It's really funny, enlightening, sad, heartbreaking, and I could keep going on! It goes right through the entire emotional roller coaster of emotions. I love movies like this that make me think.

I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but any review you read will tell you this part. The female lead is made to submit to her husband with her art. It made me think about the way marriages are today versus back in the 1960's.

Back then, women didn't really have a say in things, from what I've learned in books and movies. Sometimes, I think about how far our society has come and wonder. Are all these changes good? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women having a voice and being able to do and say what they want. I just think that we have become a disposable society. Be it a boyfriend, marriage, job, or even something small, like clothing. Everything is replaceable.

Are we all looking for the next "bigger, better thing?" Talk to me soon, I'm here for you! xo

Friday, December 26, 2014

Decisions, decisions

Whether we realize it or not, everything we do has a ripple effect. Each and every decision we make, be it little or small, is going to alter our future. Now, it may not have a noticeable effect at the moment, but somewhere down the line, it will hit you. Or, you may not ever think of that moment again.

I've been evaluating my life lately. Call it what you will, self-realization, reflection, a mid-life crisis, or remorse. There were so many minute details that I either tossed away, ignored or felt like they didn't matter. As I'm finding out now, they made a huge change in my life.

There was one job I had, about 8 years ago. I really liked the job, I just didn't care for the location. So, I resigned. There were other factors in my resignation, but when it comes down to it, I needed to come home to "recharge" and grieve a loss. At the time, I thought it was exactly what I needed. Now, on one hand, I realize it was the dumbest thing I could have done. On the other, it was the right decision.

I just wish I had all the answers. I know it would make life a bit boring, but, knowing where and when we were supposed to do things would make life so much simpler.

I hope you're doing well. Talk to me soon, mon'Amis!


Thursday, December 25, 2014

Why bother?

I'm writing and writing, pouring out my deepest and darkest secrets. Is anyone reading this? Am I talking to an imaginary audience? Does anyone even care? If I stopped, would you notice? I'm only asking because I don't know if this is still a good medium for me. If you are reading, are you entertained? Do you like what I have to say? Are you sick of me? Talk to me. Tell me what you want to hear. I'm happy to have an open dialog, but, I'm not heating a peep from you. 

Let me know what you think. Should I boyher? Talk to me soon. xoxo Cupcake 

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Hugs, love and everything else

Today, I needed a hug. A real hug, from someone who loves me. Someone who hugs like they mean it. But, I didn't get one. Yes, I've seen friends and family today. I've gotten the half-hearted hug. You know the one I mean. It feels like they are only hugging you because they have to. I despise those hugs. If that's all the effort you're going to put into it, don't bother. 

It is Christmas Eve. Today would have been my Daddy's 69th birthday. In a couple of weeks, it will be the ten year anniversary of his death. Most people love this time of year. For me, it just brings up remorse, sadness, loneliness and grief. If I could just go away somewhere from December 15-January 20th, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Everyone else has gone on about their business. Getting married, having babies, getting divorced, as if nothing has happened. If no one mentions it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to resolve these feelings. What can I do? 

I try to find a nice fella to date, he hits me. I reconnect with my first love, only for that to not work either. Yes, we are still friends, but S will never be anything more than my friend. He's made that clear. I would rather have him in my life than not, so I'm grateful for his friendship. 

As for me being single, I'm beginning to think that the only plausible conclusion is that I don't deserve to be loved. Now, I'm not saying that for you to perceive it as a cry for help. Maybe I've done too many wrong things in my past. When you weigh the good against the bad, maybe the bad side wins? People keep telling me I've just not met "him" yet. I'll let you in on a secret, I have met "him" but once I realized it, it was too late. 

So, tell me what you think? The good, bad, ugly or indifferent. If love to hear your thoughts. Do you believe that there is only one true love for each of us? 

Talk to me soon, and Merry Everything! 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Elvis Costello

Have you ever heard the song She by Elvis Costello? If I had to pick, I would say it is my favorite song. It is such a beautiful song. It makes me very happy and sad at the same time. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a song I love. Let me explain.

There have been times in my past when I thought of what my wedding day would look like. All little girls have done this, even some big girls! This is the song that I wanted to be sung as I walked down the aisle. To me, my husband would have felt the way about me, that Elvis sings in this beautiful ballad. I don't know if I can post the lyrics on this site without it being a copyright infringement, so I won't. Instead, I'll post a link to the site that has the lyrics, She by Elvis Costello for you to find.

I knew who I wanted to sing the song, in case I couldn't get Elvis to do it, I needed a backup plan. This song makes me smile when it comes on. But, as it continues, it also makes me sad. The reason is because I know I will never get married. I know I will never walk down the aisle while this is sung. I also know that I'll never have anyone who feels this way about me.

Not having a wedding, or being married, isn't such a big deal to me. I'm somewhat happy. Sort of self-sufficient. But, when I think of never having anyone to wake up with, or someone to come home to, someone I can always count on. That makes me sad. It makes me so very sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not tying my happiness up with a man. And, I don't think that a man will ensure my happiness. I just feel sort of pouty.

Why not me? Why shouldn't I have someone in my life? I have a great circle of friends to rely on. I know that any number of them would come running, if I needed. But, they will still go home to their wives and husbands. I just want someone to be my person. Is that so wrong?

Talk to me soon. xo

Lifelong friends

Hey ya'll! How are you guys doing today? I've been to a Christmas party tonight at an old friend of mine's house. We have been friends for most of my life. He and I became friends when I was in the 3rd grade. He is very special to me. I love him and would do anything for him. His wife is special to me too. She is great, very understanding and tolerant of our relationship. We do not have any romantic feelings for each other, and we never have.

There were a few people there tonight that I didn't know and I didn't realize the strange looks they kept giving to us. We were sitting on the couch. Sporadically, I would lay my head on his shoulder. He had his hand on my thigh. At some points, he would hold my hand, or lean over and kiss the top of my head. He had his arm around me when I got cold. Finally, one of the women I didn't know well turned to his wife. She had a WTF look on her face. Wifey started laughing and said "Oh, that's just them. They've always been very close. They've known each other since they were tiny." When I got there and when I went to leave, he kissed me and told me he loved me, as he hugged me bye.


This leads me to ask, do you have friends of the opposite sex? If so, are you that close? Do your significant others have any problems with this? Do you think this is wrong?

Talk to me soon, I hope you're having a good Saturday night.

Friday, December 19, 2014

Just call me Dr. Cupcake

Today, I had to have an exploratory surgery. This is the fifth surgery I have had in the last 14 months. It's getting tedious. At this point, I either own a wing of the hospital, or have an honorary MD. I'm going with the MD. So, from now on, you can just call me Dr. Cupcake. 

With each subsequent surgery, I'm getting more and more in debt. When I went in yesterday to see the doctor that ended up scheduling this procedure, I posed a question to him. I need to get your input on this, he thought I was insane. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take out the dispensable things still inside of me. My appendix, for example. I'm positive that as soon as January 1 hits, something big is going to blow up. It may not happen, but that is my luck. 

Or, they'll finally figure out what this pain in my right side is and have to cut me open again. I'm just sick and tired of being sick. And tired. I want to live a happy, healthy, normal life. I want to love, travel, be happy. I want what every other person wants. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that. But, I've given everything to everyone else in my life for so long, that maybe it's ok for me to be a bit selfish for a bit. 

Even as I type that, I know it won't happen. I have a nature that always puts my own needs last. I don't know why that is, but I am who I am. I can't change that. When I put my mind to something, I'm in all the way. I don't do anything halfway. So, if I know you need something, I'm going to get it. It doesn't matter if I have to spend my last dime on you, I will. Need me to drive four hours to pick you up from the airport? No problem. 

Nevertheless, I hope you are doing well and enjoying learning about me, one post at a time! Talk to me soon! 

Thursday, December 18, 2014

How I got a black eye and Trypanophobia

This is a long, winding road to get to the point! Stay with me, you'll want to see what happens in the end.

I had to go today and have 35 injections in my head. (This is relevant, I promise, stay with me.) I was in a car accident when I was 16 and in a coma for a couple weeks. I've had problems with migraines and headaches since then. The injections are the last resort to try and help curb these pesky migraines. In all honesty, I'm down to 2-3 a month instead of 5-10. So, I consider this a win. I still have headaches on a daily basis, but I've learned to live with that.

I hate needles. With a passion. It's one of the very few things in life I can honestly say I hate. I get all panicky and start to hyperventilate if I see a needle coming at me. Or, one stuck in me, like an IV. There have been many times where I've passed out while they were taking my blood or trying to inject me with something. I pray daily that I never become an insulin dependent diabetic. If you are, you are one brave cookie! In light of my phobia of needles, or Trypanophobia, my neurologist has prescribed Valium for me to take before I come in for the injections. Now, I only go every three months and he writes the script for 4 pills. So, I'm not going to become a junkie, in case you were going to lecture me.

My appointment today was supposed to be Tuesday originally, so I had already taken the allotment of Valium for this appointment on Tuesday. The appointment had to be rescheduled at the last minute, so I didn't have anything to take today to calm me down. As I was telling Schroeder this, he said I should just suck it up and quit being such a loser. (Not his exact words, but the basic sentiment.)

I go in today, get my injections and it was horrible. I didn't pass out, but when I walked out of the office and to the desk to schedule my next appointment, a teenage girl and her mom kept starting at me. I was crying and my face was all red and blotchy from having to sit through that myself. The teenager's eyes were so big, I thought they would pop out of her head! I made my appointment and checked out. They were doing the same at the terminal next to me. I walked to the elevator, still crying. When I got on, the same teenager and mom had turned the corner and went down the elevator with me. I'm sobbing. It was quite the scene. As we all got out in the lobby, the mom put her hand on my shoulder and said "we'll pray for you." I looked at her and was able to squeak out "thank you."

In hindsight, me freaking out, sobbing and inconsolable, leaving a neurologist's office, I'm pretty sure they're praying for my brain cancer to heal. Luckily, I don't have brain cancer, it was just the medicinal injections that were making me cry. But, on the plus side, someone is praying for me tonight!

Now, to get to what happened after the appointment. Apparently, my sarcasm doesn't translate well to someone who hasn't been around me for a long time. I had something happen today that has not happened in a very long time. I'm hopeful you'll be as surprised as me. Maybe I had it coming? Or, I deserved it? You tell me.

Since the whole romantic thing with Schroeder ended, I haven't wanted to try to go out with anyone else. He and I are still friends, so we talk and text. You might think that is strange, but I do love him. If all we are destined to be is friends, that doesn't change my love for him, so I'm thankful to have him in my life in whatever capacity I am able to have him.

There were a couple guys I was casually seeing before S and I got back together. They are both still texting or calling me to try to get back together, but I truly felt nothing but friendship for either of them. I have explained, ad nauseam, to both of them that I have no romantic feelings for either. They think they can change my mind, but, when it's not there, it is just not there. I don't think it would be fair to go out with either of these guys when I know their feelings are deeper than that for me. They disagree, they think they can change my mind.

Instead, I agreed to go on a blind date. I've gone out with this guy Brian three times. I was still trying to feel him out (metaphorically, not physically) and see if this was going to be something I wanted to continue to pursue. Normally, by the third or fourth date, I know. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes I know right away. My initial thoughts were this, he seemed nice enough. He called to check on me, or sent me messages just to say hi because he was thinking of me. I was beginning to think that maybe this could turn into something. But, I'm still cautious. I have had my heart in a locked chamber for so long before S that I didn't know if I really wanted to let someone else in. I felt that when S and I ended the romantic part of our relationship, I would never let anyone else into my heart. I've got it locked up and it has a very thick wall around it. With a moat.

Let me tell you what happened today. After I left the neurologist office, Brian texted me and asked me to stop by his place. Since I hadn't taken anything, I was driving myself, so I went by there. We were talking, laughing and he was trying to get me in a better mood since I was still upset about the injections. We were talking about something that happened to him at work yesterday. He said something about a co-worker insulting him about a mistake he made at work and I came back with a witty retort. He spun around and looked at me with fire and fury in his eyes and asked "what did you say?" So I repeated it "I don't make mistakes, I date them." I was only trying to be funny because that's who I am. As he was walking toward me, I told him I was just trying to be funny.

The next thing I know, I'm flat on the ground. He punched me. He told me to get out of his place and never come back. Luckily, he only hit me once. But, once is still one too many. Now I am probably going to have a beautiful black eye. What do you think? Is he in the right here? Are we both to blame? Talk to me soon.


Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Did he really just ask that?

So, I went in today on a job interview. It was for a part-time job, if you're keeping up, you know I'm trying to find a way to supplement my income. Turns out, my full-time job is going away, so I'm trying to save every penny I'm able. I had a nice little savings in place, but in the last 14 months, I've had four surgeries and that has wiped me out. What's even worse, is that in wiping me out, it didn't even pay all my bills! Oh well, that's what I get for being an adult.

Anyway, back to the point. One question he asked me was if I had a gun permit. Funny enough, I got that a couple months ago. I'm just trying to get the money together to send it into the state to become fully licensed. So, I told him yes, I did have one. He said good, you'll have to bring your own gun into work with you during your shift, is that a problem? Now, I haven't bought/borrowed/obtained a firearm yet, so yes, that would be a problem. He said that I could come into work without it, but he did not recommend that. Apparently they get robbed a lot. And the robbers are normally armed.

We continued on with the interview. He told me he liked me and he felt good about it, but he still had others to interview. He is supposed to call me within the week. After leaving the location and coming home, I began to think about the whole interaction. Do I really want to work somewhere that I would need a gun? Do I really think it's a good idea to go into said location without a firearm? Do I want to have a gun pulled in my face so I can make $9 an hour?

Chances are, they are going to hire a man for this, I assume. Not to be sexist, but, I would be left there alone and working at night, in a place I may or may not need a gun would make me a bit uneasy. But, a girl's gotta make a living, huh?

I hope you're doing well, talk to me soon. xo

What would happen?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just disappeared? I've been contemplating that a lot lately. If I just vanished, would anyone really notice? I mean sure, all my frenemies would act like they cared, for a day or two. But once the next hot piece of gossip hit, they'd forget about me. 

My mom would be upset, but the rest of my family, I'm not so sure. My true friends would be upset for a week, maybe two, before it started to fade. It all just makes me wonder what's the point? 

I try to do the right thing. I'm nice, I volunteer, I give to others. I put myself last in every situation. But where does that get me? Don't get me wrong, I don't do things expecting anything in return. Ever. I do them out of the goodness of my heart and from an honest place. But sometimes I wonder, when is someone going to do something for me?! 

This sounds pious and self-righteous. I really don't mean it to be. I mean, if I were a Muslim, the scales on my good deeds would far exceed any wrongdoing in my life. But, I'm not, so I don't have to worry about that particular judgement. 

Flowers for no reason, a call just to say I love you, someone missing me so much they can't wait another moment to hold me in their arms, those are the things I crave. And miss. Don't misinterpret me, I'm not whining. At this point in my life, my biggest problem is wondering how I'm going to pay the bills each month. (Or, to be honest, which bills will get paid that month.) No one is currently beating me. I don't have any kids to worry about. I don't have anyone who belittles or berates me on a daily basis. (Just every so often, and I chalk that up to problems in that persons life.) 

Maybe I'm selfish, but I just want to be happy. Genuinely, happy. Is that too much to ask? 

Talk to me soon, Mon'Amis.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Second chances

There is so much negativity in this world, we need to all look at the bigger picture. Not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. There are so many things that happen that seem like the end of the world at the time. We just need to take a step back and analyze what really happened. That person may be having the worst day of their life. They may be lashing out at you just because you are there. 

In reality, most conflict between people are not really between those two. It's an internal conflict with the person who picked the fight. I normally just let things roll off my back. If someone says truly hurtful things to me (which happens more than you'd think) I don't let them see my hurt. Yes, your words and actions do hurt me. I am a very sensitive person. But, I will only let those emotions come out in private.

Whatever your friend, lover, boy/girlfriend or spouse is going through, my feelings are minuscule in comparison. I will be over it quickly. But, your feelings may not heal for some time. I don't want to compound the situation with me lashing back to you. 

So, the moral of the story is that you should forgive and forget. Holding onto things to throw back into your partners face is only toxic. It will not lead anywhere I want to go. But, I may be an anomaly. 

I hope you're doing well and enjoy my ramblings. If not, let me know. We will still be pals! Talk to me soon! 

Monday, December 15, 2014

A new job?

It's no secret that I am unhappy in my current position. Today a list came out with a list of offices that will close next quarter. While I should be happy to have a job, I am hopeful that when I get the courage to open that e-mail tomorrow, I will have some clarity. 

If it turns out that we are closing, it will be good for me, physically and emotionally. Financially is another story. I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. It isn't cool. I am currently drowning in debt, I have so much that I should be thankful for, but I spent so many years living beyond my means. I am trying to dig my way out, but it isn't easy. It seems as if there is no end in sight. 

I've applied for so many part-time jobs, but I keep hearing the same thing. You're too qualified. You'll be bored. You won't be here for the long haul. Why won't you people give me a chance?! Seriously, I just want to be a bartender. It's my lifelong goal, I promise I'll stick around! 

How do you manage when you're in over your head? Talk to me soon! xo

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Traditions

Herr Drosselmeyer, Clara, Fritz...these are a few of my Christmas traditions. I go to see The Nutcracker each year with a friend of mine. We've gone annually for at least 15 years. Probably longer. 

It's the one consistent thing in my life. My Daffy used to make fun of me, saying that the story didn't change from the year before! But, it's the one sure thing. It's nice to have things we can count on in life. When so much is uncertain in this world, the little things make me feel so safe. 

One other thing you can count on is me watching the Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. I love them! Especially Moonlight and Mistletoe. That has to be my favorite. It doesn't matter that five minutes into the movie I've figured out what will happen. I still watch them. I've been a bit disappointed in the new films this year, but, I still watch. 

What do you do for your holiday traditions? Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, December 11, 2014

This is why we can't have nice things

Last night, I get home and pull into my garage. I'm getting my bag out of the backseat and I notice the door into my place is wide open. No lights are on and I am contemplating if I should go on inside. Then I realize that's what the dumb blonde that does in the first five minutes of every scary movie does. So, I get back into my car and back out of the driveway. 

I call the sheriff's office and ask to speak to someone I know. He's off. The guy answering asked what's was going on, and he transferred me to 911. Now, the dispatcher starts grilling me, making sure I didn't leave the door open myself etc. He stays on the phone with me until the officers arrive. 

Two squad cars drive up and tell me to stay outside. The whole time they were inspecting my house, I'm worried they're going to have to shoot someone in my living room and that's just going to piss me off. 

I have this beautiful white rug in there. It's a one of a kind and retailed for more than I care to admit! Let's just say it's hand loomed and leave it at that. 

Now, about twenty minutes go by before the two men come out to get me. But, I didn't hear any shots fired, so I'm counting it as a win. They tell me everything looks ok, nothing looks as if it had been gone through. But they want me to double check since I'm the one who lives here. 

Nothing had been stolen, thankfully. No one was bleeding to death on my rug. And all seemed to be ok. I counted these all as a win! 

They proceeded to give me a lecture about safety and advised me to call if I needed anything else. Maybe I just need a guardian. Or a pool boy to do these things for me. Feel free to apply! 

Talk to me soon! 

Monday, December 8, 2014

High School


I was part of a clique in high school that, in retrospect, was kind of like a movie mashup. We were part Mean Girls, part Heathers (without the murder,) a little bit of Clueless and some Bring It On thrown in for good measure. 

What kind of kid were you? Did you have all the "right" friends? Go to the best parties? Wear the current clothes? Did you have the world at your fingertips? I did. I just didn't realize it. Looking back, I can't believe how na├»ve I was. And, to an extent, I still am. I take people at their word. I will believe anything you tell me. Until you give me a reason not to, I'm going to think your words and actions are golden. 

Another trait I have is to forgive easily. I've been told it's a major flaw. But, it's ingrained into me so deeply that I really don't know that there is anything you could do to me that I would not forgive. Unless you murder me. Then, I wouldn't be here to forgive you. But chances are high I wouldn't hold it against you from beyond the grave. 

Back to high school. There are two moments in high school that still effect me to this day. I wish more than anything I could go back in time, like a book or movie. I know this isn't realistic. I had no idea that a decision would have such a long lasting change in my life. I still have a problem making rash judgement decisions, but I'm trying to work on that. 

I hope you're having a good Monday. Talk to me soon! 

Sunday, December 7, 2014

What's a girl to do

For most of my life, I have always done what is expected of me. Whatever my parents wanted me to do while I was under their roof, I obliged. That has spilled over into my adulthood as well. If someone asks me to do something, chances are I'm going to say yes. Whether it is something I want to do is irrelevant. 

Just once, I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to stand up and fight for what I want. Or who I want. I just want to be happy. Now don't get me wrong. My happiness is not contingent on another person. I know I am the only one who can make me happy. 

The problem is, I'm not making decisions that will ensure my happiness. I speak and act before I think. I make rash decisions that blow up in my face. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now and have stopped. But, I haven't. I've ruined some relationships with my hasty decisions. 

So, if I ever have a harsh word or react in a way that you may not like, please talk to me about it. I would hope you wouldn't sever ties completely with me. But, if you feel that's your only course of action, just know that I'm always here for you. Regardless of what has happened. 

J'adore mon ami! Talk to me soon. 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Put on a happy face, or why I'm not hiding in the bed crying my eyes out then apologizing

A hundred times a day people ask me how I am. I would venture that 99% of them don't really care. They want me to say I'm good, ask them some pleasantries and move on. Just once, I'd like to tell someone how I really felt in that moment. But then they'd run off scared and never speak to me again. In some instances, that might be a good thing!

Why are we conditioned to do that though? Take this week, for example. This has been the most horrible week on record for me. Yes, I have this outlet to put my thoughts to the (proverbial) paper. I have had a smile plastered on my face for five days now. But what did I really want to do? Stay in bed with my head buried under a blanket crying my eyes out. In the morning when my alarm went off, my blanket felt like it weighed 30 pounds and it was too heavy to lift off me. I wanted to call in sick to work and not get out of my pajamas all day. But, I couldn't do that. I had to soldier on and put on my clothes, look cute and go out into public. I had to fraternize with the masses. Schmooze people to make a sale. Try to make a buck, so I'd be able to sustain myself.

Yes, it was as horrible as it sounds, but, I only have myself to blame. In case you don't know of what I'm speaking, read the posts from this week and you'll be caught up. But, I'm not letting it get the best of me. You can't keep a good man up, or something like that. The facade will crumble, my cracks will begin to show. It's like when they found the Wizard behind the curtain in Oz. My persona is going to be revealed eventually. Don't get me wrong, if you're really asking me how I am, I'm going to tell you. But, if you're some random person ringing up my groceries, someone I may have a conversation once a year on Facebook or a client, I'm not going to divulge my innermost thoughts to you.

In what I like to think of as "things you probably don't really want to know about me, but I'm going to tell you anyway," here's some more gems for you. I have a bad habit of apologizing. That sounds crazy right? Well, if you've had a bad day at work and you tell me about it, I'm going to say I'm sorry your day was bad. Even though I had nothing to do with why your day went bad. I guess it's my way of empathizing with you. It drives some people in my life mad that I apologize. I don't know how to respond to that. When you tell me something like you've had a bad day, you broke your arm, the shirt you wanted was sold out or anything else along those lines, how am I supposed to respond? No, I didn't break your arm in half or buy all the shirts you wanted, but I'm still sorry that you are going through that. It may seem inconsequential when I say I'm sorry, but I truly am.

I know that I had no part in whatever it is you are telling me about, but how else should I respond? I'm honestly asking. What do you think? It doesn't diminish my sorrow for your pain, anguish or frustration. But how do you want me to respond?

Well, this has truly been one of the most grueling weeks of my life. I'm hopeful that next week will be a bit better. I'll never get over the heartache I have from the events of this week, but I'm hopeful, with time, that I will be able to get back to a state of normalcy. Or, as normal as I've ever been?! I hope your weekend is all sunshine and purple hydrangeas! Talk to me soon, au revoir mon ami!

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Presents

It's that time of year again. Trying to find that perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas list. But how are we going to do that? Ask them what they want? Try to find it ourselves? Or are we going to just buy them what I would want?

Whichever way we go, it's going to be wrong. Either they'll change their mind or they won't like what I picked out. Sometimes, I think we should just skip the giftgiving, what about you?

I think that would be an incredible idea, to just skip the gifts. But, the kids would not understand. Don't give me wrong, I don't have any kids. But my niece and nephews would not have any of that. My biggest problem with them though they always wait till the last minute. And what they decided they want is the same thing every other teenager wants. So of course I can't find it.

So here I go to every online retailer I can think of every brick-and-mortar but no luck. I'll be even called friends out of town they were coming in to see if they can give me what I need. I can't be the only person that goes through this, am I? 

Talk to me soon. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Doors

I'm watching a documentary about The Doors. I love their music, but I'm not digging the movie. It isn't really telling me anything new. I would have learned all this information with watching the Val Kilmer movie about them. Luckily, I'm watching it at home and not wasting $12 to go see it. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about supporting indie films. But it needs to engage me. Teach me something. Otherwise, it's a waste. 

Take the movie Boyhood for instance. That was three hours of my life I will never get back. That was the most overhyped movie in my opinion. It had a great concept and had plenty of potential. But, it fell flat. In a major way! There was no character development. I didn't know anything about any of the characters when the movie ended. Other than watching them age 12 years. 

Talk to me soon! I hope your day has been great! 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The end

Well, if you're keeping up, I wanted to full you in on the results from last night. He isn't willing to speak with me. He is still angry about the misinterpretation of my text. So, our friendship is over. 

I don't understand him wanting to throw away a friendship. I can understand if he wants to end the sexual nature of our relationship, but to throw away a true friendship? Those are so rare and valuable, to me anyway. I just don't understand why. This is going to be rough to get through. 

What would you do? Talk to me soon. 

Monday, December 1, 2014

How do I fix this?

Someone said to me today that if you follow your heart, you can't go wrong. I must disagree. I've been in an unusual situation recently. I had followed my heart, but it just got me into trouble. It wasn't a relationship in the conformist definition. It was more of an arrangement. We had a mutually beneficial plan. There is one aspect normally in a relationship that we were not getting from our respective relationships. He and I fulfilled that with each other. 

Now, we had a past, so there were emotions involved. It was a beautiful thing. It was clear cut, with no mistake what this was and what it wasn't. I loved having my friend as my lover. But, it was not going to become anything more. I know that. He knows that. 

Here's where it gets a bit fuzzy. He tells me it's ok to text him. Ok to tell him I love him. He wants to know what is going on in my life and for me to keep him informed about what is going on with me. But then, when I do these things, he gets angry with me. I don't understand. 

Now, he's so angry with me, he may never even speak to me again. There are so many things I still want to say. But our separate relationships make that difficult. 

Will he ever know that even though I love him, our friendship and platonic love is infinitely more important? Maybe he's secretly reading this and he will know my thoughts. Or, he has decided to cut me off completely and that decision is final. 

I'm so very hopeful that all is not lost. We had such a beautiful thing. I hope and pray it's not gone forever. Talk to me soon. Let me know what you're thinking. 

Texting, oh how I hate it!

Texting has to be the worst form of communication. We have leveraged ourselves to not having actual conversations with people. Now, we only text or use social media to get across what we are trying to say. I miss actually speaking with people. Mostly because a text can go so horribly wrong.

Take today for instance. I sent a text with an innocent, little sentence. The recipient took it to mean completely the opposite of what I meant and he proceeded to let me have it. As I tried to explain the context in which I meant this, he was not hearing any of my words. He was so angry about what he thought I meant, he wouldn't see what I actually meant. We went back and forth, in text, for quite some time. Finally, I just gave up and called him. Knowing he wouldn't answer, I left a message trying to explain where the miscommunication had came into play. He called me while I was leaving a message and I think I convinced him I did not mean what he thought I had said.

Now I want to ask you, have our smartphones truly made us an unsocial society? With all the social media rampant today, it seems ironic to ask, but what do you think? Social media gives us a platform to hide behind. We have all these cute cards to pin or share that we think says exactly what we are thinking, but saying it better than we could. We never express our own true feelings to a person, face to face. Or even in a conversation on the phone. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a conversation with a person on the phone. To me, that is sad. If we are friends, I want to talk to you, I want to be able to call you and tell you what is going on. I want to hear your voice, your laughter, your sadness. I don't want you to just send me a text. But, I'm in the minority on this. But, if that is the only way we have to communicate, I am going to text you. If I have a stupid, random thought that pops into my head and I want to tell you, I'll text you. If you are too busy to answer, then don't.

Yes, it is easier to just send a one or two word text to try to convey what we are feeling. I think that friendships and relationships are suffering because of this. I know I may have lost a friend today because of a text misunderstanding. That breaks my heart. Just know, that if I ever send you a text, there is no hidden meaning. The words mean exactly how they read. If I want a word emphasized, I'll put an * around it. No * means no emphasis on any word, got it?

I hope you've had a good day, let me know what you think. Talk to me soon.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

What now?

Thanksgiving is over. All the food has been eaten, family has gone back to their homes. What do we do now? Scramble to get the perfect gift for that great someone in our lives? Getting the exact toy our nieces want? Wrap up money for the older ones? It's one big blur for the next month. But should we really be doing that?

Some people have problems with this time of year. They get depressed, anxious, nervous or any other anxiety known to man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging. I've gone through the entire gamut of anxiety disorders. At one point or another, I've been all of them. But, right now, I'm good. Things are all sunshine and roses. You believe me, right?

I am doing good. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat. The only thing that could make my life even better would be to have the one love of my life as more than my friend. But, that is not possible. Maybe one day, but right now, I'm thankful to have him in my life as my friend. Something is always better than nothing, don't you agree?

I am not where I thought I'd be at forty, but I am happy. Happy is always good, right? Talk to me soon! xoxo


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Pre-Thanksgiving

Today is the day before Thanksgiving 2014. This has been quite a tumultuous year and we still have a month left! 

I've gone through heartbreak, elated joy, euphoria, sadness and every other emotion you could imagine. I've had four surgeries in the past 14 months. I've been scared more with each one that there will be a complication and I won't wake from anesthesia. I don't know why I have these feelings, my mom says it's because I'm a hypochondriac. I disagree. 

Yes, I'm a big baby. I don't handle pain well and I don't like being sick. Who does? I just don't deal well with conflict. The conflict within my body if I'm sick, or external conflict with another person. My motto is, can't we all just get along? 

Now, I do have one more tentative surgery that will have to happen at some point. I would prefer to have it this year, since all my insurance starts over in January, and it's be free! I've met all my costs. It's not on the taxpayer. Don't get all riled up about it! Please? Knowing my luck, I'll have to have emergency surgery on January 3. 

But, I just wanted to remind you to love your people with all your might. We never know when our last breath will be. And sometimes you aren't able to say what you really want, because your person may be gone in the blink of an eye. 

Talk to me soon. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

You've got the power!

Is like to think that I'm a strong enough person that I don't give anyone power over me. But, I'd be living in a fantasy. My doctors give advice and guide me into the medical decisions they feel I need to take. Even at 40 years old, my Mom still has power over me. She's very good with the guilt and passive aggressive manipulation. I allowed Schroeder to make all the decisions when it came to our relationship, even when it was time to end. There was also another force that played into that relationship that had a power and was able to dictate the demise of what happened. I won't go into details about that, but needless to say, I need to stop letting so many people have a controlling force in my life. 

They say that life is short. I find that a bit ironic, since it's the one thing that you'll do longer than anything else. When you're born, you start dying. Most people look at it the opposite way, you start living. But, it's just a means to an end. We are all going to die, unless you know something I don't! 

I have given a lot of weight to some decisions and they have not always panned out. Others, I don't even think about the outcome. I just get an idea in my head and I run with it, no matter the consequences. YOLO, right? Dear God, what am I, 23? I can't believe I just said YOLO, that has never came out of my mouth, or thumbs as it were. 

I don't say this out of a depression, or sadness. I just wonder if anyone else life is as controlled as mine. There are some aspects that I am able to say no, but not many. For instance, my Mom is convinced I need to start wearing makeup. I haven't worn that stuff since high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm a natural beauty. Nor am I saying that I'm better than anyone who does wear the stuff. I just feel like me without it on. Sure, there has been the odd day, here or there where I'd wear something. A wedding, funeral or gala. But even then, it was nothing more than some color on my lips and mascara to make my eyes pop. The most I wear now is some California Kissin by benefit. It's a clear gloss with mint built in. So, minty breath and it takes care of chapped lips! Bonus! And I normally only wear it in the winter. Who has chapped lips during the summer? 

I also stay out of the sun. No need to tempt fate. Melanoma is dangerous people! If you haven't done it lately, or ever, go get your moles checked. For me? Early detection is key. 

Alright, talk to me soon. I'm going to try and be better about giving away so much power. What are you doing? 

Monday, November 24, 2014

Can't we all just get along?

There are so many people in this world. We all have to coexist. As far as I'm aware, there's nowhere else for you to go. You may not like what your neighbor, co-workers, bosses, elected officials or even strangers are doing. But, those in power have just that. Power. Here in America, we live in a democracy. If you don't like something that is being done, change it. And by change it, I mean get another job, don't hang out with your neighbor. Vote. I don't care one bit for whom you cast your vote. All I care is that you voted. I will never ask you about your political affiliation or which way you cast your ballot. That is not my business. In return, I will never tell you my affiliation or for which candidates I cast my ballot.

There are so many other pressing issues that you can make a difference. That friend of yours that is always great, ask him or her how she really is. Chances are they aren't. Smiles hide a lot. Pain, Anxiety, Depression, Sadness and many other things. Now, I know that everyone gets into a funk at points in their lives and we all have spurts of this type of behavior. There are too many people who are struggling with these afflictions. Not all of them are lucky enough to be able to cope with things by using a therapist, or medicines. Some people feel that they can just talk to their friends, instead of a professional. I do encourage you to speak with your friends, but you do need to also need to seek solace from a professional. 

So, when you see someone who may or may not be struggling, give them some words of encouragement. A hug, or the offer of a listening ear. I have been a sounding board for so many people over the years and I hope that if I ever needed the same, I could get that in return. If I can give you one piece of advice that I've always lived by, I hope you will take this to heart. Whatever you do, give it your all. Hug like you mean it. Listen like it's your last conversation. Love like there is no tomorrow. Any advice you give, make sure it is solid advice. You never know when we will take our last breath, and I don't know about you, but that scares me. I want the people I love to know that I love them, to the end. I hope they do, but in case they don't, I remind them.

Now, you may call me melodramatic. Or sappy, or even insane. But, when you're in my circle, you're in for life. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of true friends. You'll see as you grow older that true friends are a very valued commodity. The 500 "friends" you have on Facebook or other social media may not even recognize you if you are both in the same aisle at Kroger. I know I've been guilty of that. But, my honest, true, core circle of friends that I have mean the world to me. But, no matter the level of friendship we have, if you ever need anything from me, you better believe I'm going to move Heaven and Earth to make it happen.

Talk to me soon...

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Making plans is never a good idea

People will ask what your plan is for your life. Five year, ten year plans never come to fruition. We are never the same person after those plans are made. Every minute decision made alters the course of your life in ways you cannot imagine. Until it's too late. 

When I was 23, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I could do and be anything. I was invincible. Or so I thought. I had all these lofty goals of who I was going to become. Which people would be in my life for a season, or a reason. There have been many people float in and out of my life since my younger years. 

Why does anything happen? Is there really a bigger picture? Will we ever know the reasons things do or do not happen? Whether you believe in a higher power or not, do you ever really wonder why? I need answers and I don't know where to find them. Can you help? Talk to me soon. 

Friday, November 21, 2014

To date or not to date

As you know already, S and I are no longer romantically involved. I love him dearly, and always will. No matter what happens in the future, I will always be linked to him. I have some wonderful friends who will do anything in the world for me, so I am very lucky in that respect. It will be hard though. He was my everything. I wanted to be his everything, but that was not going to happen. So, he felt it best that we end the romantic aspect of our relationship and focus on the friendship we have. 

My friends think I'm insane for staying and trying to work on a friendship. But, in our defense, we were friends before we were anything else. Granted, that was a long time ago when we were just kids. I drove him home from school and we were doing a dance that would inevitably lead to us dating for the short period of time we had together. I would stop by his house, just because I wanted to see him. He is such an amazing person, I never felt like I measured up. I don't say this from a low self-esteem viewpoint. He was just so unlike any other boys I had ever dated or known. He was amazing. He is amazing. I am lucky to have him in my life again, in whatever capacity I am able to have him. 

Now, I do have my friends to lean on, and my therapist. But, I don't bring my relationships into my family. I do love them, but they are very exasperating. They're all very passive aggressive and I do not appreciate that. They are always trying to find my loose string and unravel me. Most people have a family that builds them up, mine just seems to live so they can tear me down. I don't want to put anyone else in that, so I just keep my Fetching Companion to myself. It's better that way. For both of us, for them, what they don't know, won't hurt...me. 

Call me selfish if you want. But, until there is a definite reason to bring someone into that aspect of my life, I want to spare him. And me. When I'm with my guy, I want him to be comforted and satisfied. I want him to feel loved, safe and protected. Not that I could do a lot in the protection department, but I want him to know that above all else, he comes first. 

What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

It's official

I know you'll be happy to learn that Schroeder and I came to a resolution tonight. He are I have passed our window of opportunity. We will always be an important part of each other's lives, but we will only be friends. I won't lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. But, it is what is best for everyone involved. Irreparable damage has been done over the last 24 years and it can't be what I have built it up in my head to be. Nor are we able to start fresh and rewrite our future.

Why am I telling you this? Catharsis. I need to exorcise the demons that have been in my head and get on with my life. I need to start dating again. But, do I try to seek out something new? Fall back on something comfortable? What do you think? I don't like to let people into my heart. It's a very guarded and locked up chamber. I don't know that I have the strength to go through another heartbreak. But? Isn't that what life is all about? 

Good, bad or indifferent, what do you think? 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

My triumvirate

In general, I'm a lucky girl. I have a roof over my head, I am in a relatively safe environment. My parents didn't abuse me. I am a cordial person. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. Here's my current dilemma. 

When I started seeing Schroeder, I had been casually dating a couple other guys. I knew that my heart and soul belonged to Schroeder, from the minute I kissed him. So, I broke things off with the other two. 

Now, fast forward a couple months and we are not in the most ideal of circumstances. He is still it for me. Of that, I am sure. But, for some reason, the two guys have crept back in. Texts, social media, phone calls, they are both contacting me again. I've done nothing to encourage it and have been quite vocal about where my heart belongs. 

What is a girl to do? What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Am I not memorable?

I have a group of acquaintances that I would sporadically get together. We would be at a house party, in a bar, at a restaurant, hanging out in Market Square or whatever. I have been at mutual events with this one guy for at least two years. We have had long conversations and it's pretty clear that we are past the point of introducing ourselves. Now, I don't mean reminding each other of our names. Introducing ourselves, like we have never met. It is kind of a big joke now.

He works as a demo guy at the grocery store I frequent and the first time I saw him there, I said hi and was talking to him like I knew him. He had a blank stare on his face. It was clearly meaning "who are you?" To which I reminded him who I am. He was still clueless. So, now, every time I see him I just ignore him. I had to remind him we had met at the last couple of events we went to mutually. I give up. If he doesn't remember me, apparently it is my own fault. I need to be more memorable.

Now, my close friends might disagree. I am loud, funny, memorable. The life of the party. That's me. So, it just makes me laugh that he is completely clueless. It's his loss, not mine. And no, I do not want to try your chicken casserole!

While I have been off work from my surgery, I have had a lot of time to reflect and focus on me. I don't like having all that time to myself. There is one special person I want to hold me and reassure me while I am in turmoil. But, he needs time. Maybe I should reinvent myself and introduce him to that Cupcake? No, I would never be happy if I changed myself for a man. Or anyone for that matter. What's a girl to do?

Talk to me soon! xo

Monday, November 17, 2014

Continuing Education

I'm a big advocate for knowledge. Especially when it comes to continued education classes. This world is so fluid, that you can't possibly know everything about your chosen profession. Or hobby or whatever it may be. 

Tonight I have to go to a class for my life insurance license. I found this to be the most boring venture I've ever gotten myself involved. I'll probably never sell one policy, to be honest. But, in case I do, I need to keep my license current. So, I had to drag myself out on this cold, wintery night. So, if you happen to see me out tonight, don't be offended if I'm crabby. 

By the way, have you seen my AmEx? Talk to me soon. 

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Just call me Grace

I am not a graceful person. I never have been, and am almost positive that I never will be. When I took my ballet classes as a kid, I'm sure the instructor felt like a criminal taking my parents money. If not, she should have.

That being said, I bruise easily. I have lots of bruises that pop up without any explanation. Normally they are on my arms or thighs. This morning, I woke up with several unknown bruises on my right foot. It has became a joke to me. Everyone else seems to think it is worrisome that I don't know how I get bruised.

Funny story, one semester during college I had three jobs. I sold shoes at a department store, I was a nanny (dear God, why?!) and I worked at UPS loading trucks at night. In addition to those jobs, I also had a full class load. There were literally three hours per day that my time wasn't committed. Now, I didn't live with my parents at this point, so they didn't know about UPS. I figured that they would just be worried. I was being a good little girl and trying to protect them. About a week into this job, my arms are covered with bruises and so are my thighs. But, it was a fall semester, so I had jeans on most of the time. My parents thought I was dating someone who was beating me! The placement of some of the bruises on my arms looked like they could have been fingermarks from where someone was holding me too tight. About three weeks into working for them, I get my first check. It does not have my name on it. It's my Daddy's name, but my SSN. He was listed as my emergency contact, that was the only thing I could think of as to how his name got on there. So, I had to give him the check to cash, which outed me as working for the parcel company.

Sorry, I get off on side stories, but I'm going to tie it all back together. I hope that tomorrow I don't wake up with any mysterious ailments, bruises or scrapes. Until then, stay safe and talk to me soon.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

It's cold and I'm on the fence

I've always been a hot natured person. I muh prefer the winter to summer. In public, there's only so much you can take off, AmIRite? 

But, in the last two years, I have been trying to get rid of the body that ate me. For one reason or another, I had doubled in size since high school. Not cool. I finally woke up one day and said enough is enough. There was no promise of a man, job or tangible item that made me have this ephipany. I was killing myself and knew I needed to change. 

I have lost 138 pounds in the last 14 months. I'm still not where is like to be, but I'm getting there. But I have an acquaintance who is in the same path, for different reasons and that's what I want to talk to you about today. 

She is currently "dating" (and I use that term loosely) a man she met at work. He lives in another state. They have never met in person. They have sent pictures back and forth, but no skype, FaceTime or anything where they physically lay eyes on each other. The pictures she is sending are from about five years ago I have no idea if his are current or not. She says they are in love and will be married. They've been together one month. 

She said she can't meet him until she looks like those pictures again. My theory is if he doesn't like you in your current state, then do you really want someone that superficial? If you can't love me fat, why would I give you the time of day when I'm smaller? 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, November 13, 2014

#curlyhairdontcare kind of day

So, my hair has natural curl to it. Not the beautiful waves that you may be thinking, but some crazy, on meth kind of curls. They go a bit of everywhere. Normally I don't leave it curly, I try to blow it out straight. It isn't so bad that I have to get a $200 Brazilian when I want to make sure it is straight, but maybe I should. The tresses are not my friend. Most days. My hair gets all kinds of frizzy, unless a professional is involved. But today, I'm having a #curlyhairdontcare kind of day.

I had surgery last week and am not sure when I am going to be released to go back to work. With my lovely job, I don't get paid if I'm off sick. I'm going to have to go back sooner, rather than later, I'm afraid. I woke up to not having my paycheck deposited, as expected. My account being overdrawn. I haven't paid most of my credit cards in at least a month, some more. My student loans are so far past due it isn't even funny. I feel like I'm back in my 20's. I'm far too old to have these money problems.

I have two jobs, technically three, if you count the "at-home" job I have with a direct marketing company. My facade of a self-sufficient woman who doesn't have to rely on anyone else is crumbling. Fast. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Assuming I live to be in my 80's, this would be half.

I really screwed up the first half. Here's hoping the second half is better.



Tuesday, November 11, 2014

I miss your love

I'm in love. Head over heels, stupid love. Smiling at songs on the radio because they remind me of him kind of love. Everything is sunshine and rainbows, nothing will ever go wrong kind of love. Then, I remember that it's me. So, of course something is bound to go wrong. Let me tell you a little story.

Schroeder (that's what I call him, adorbs, huh?) So, Schroeder and I have dated in the past. Twice actually. He is my very first love. But, when we were together, both times, outside forces tore us apart. Now, he had no idea that I loved him. I had no idea what my feelings were, to be perfectly honest. I was scared, confused, happy, and every other emotion all balled into one. We were pretty young the first time we dated. He was not my first boyfriend, but he sure was the only one who had that type of impact on me. Sure, I thought I had been in love up to that point. But boy, was I wrong.

We happened to fall back into each others lives about two months ago. It was perfect. The second day we were together, I told him I loved him, I had always loved him. My love for him was the one constant for more than half my life. Little did I know, he had loved me this whole time too.

We had a conversation one night by text. He was flying back to me, he had been on a business trip. He began asking questions about why I had broken up with him the first time. I gave him the reason and he was very angry. Now, just so you know the whole story, it was my Dad that had made me break up with him the first time. In hindsight, I believe it was because he saw how emotionally involved I had become with Schroeder and did not want me to be in that serious of a relationship. It broke my heart to do it, but I was a good little girl and did what I was told. I thought it would be better for him if I didn't give him the details, I was completely wrong about that.

So, while he was on the plane, he told me that he never wanted to see me again. He thought that my ex-boyfriend and my Dad were colluding to get him out of the picture. Now, in his defense, I did get back together with my ex after he and I broke up. But, the only reason I went back to him was because he was safe. I was comfortable with him. I knew that my ex and I would go out, nothing serious and life would get back to normal. I could not have been more wrong.

Now, fast forward about a month after he gets home from his trip. We have seen each other twice since then. I informed him that I didn't care what year it was, he was not breaking up with me over a text. So, he finally came and saw me after he'd been home a couple weeks. We talked about everything and decided that after loving each other for more than half our lives, without knowing each others feelings, that this was too much to let go. So, he said he needed some time. I said I would give him all the time he needs, but I needed to know what that meant. No talking? No texting? No seeing each other? So, he told me texting was fine, but that was it.

Fast forward a couple more weeks, we've been texting. I was getting some mixed messages from him and I thought he was at a point he wanted to see me. Sunshine was flooding my windows, flowers were in bloom, everything was right in the world again! Then, I find out, he was drunk. He still didn't want to see me yet. Ok, I let it go and respected his wishes. Then, last week, I'm having surgery. I knew something would go wrong and I wouldn't make it through. So, I insisted he see me before surgery. He relented and said ok. But, he got sick and couldn't. Now, it's been almost a week since my surgery, I still haven't seen him, we have barely texted. Or, he has barely texted me. I still update him with what's going on, telling him I love him and all the other nonsensical texts that you send to a boy you love. I'm thinking everything is going ok, then I get a text that says I just can't be with you now. Everything is different. Of course I have a meltdown. Again, I think he's trying to break up with me by text. He wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't love me. So, I tell him that if that is the case, I have to see him one last time. I needed him to tell me this to my face. If this is going to be it, and we will never be together, I had to hold him in my arms one last time.

He agreed to see me, but not that day. I sent a text asking if he could see me the next day. He says no. I text him and ask him to not prolong this inevitable conversation. He asks why. So, I plead my case. I tell him that I have to see him, we owe it to ourselves to have that closure. He calls me to have this conversation and the call lasts one minute. I told him that if was to be the last time we were ever to be together, I needed to see him.

Well boys and girls, here's where it gets messy. He gets so angry. Apparently, his message of he can't be with me was his way of saying he needed more time. I thought he was ending things for good. I'm in a standstill at the moment. I'm waiting for direction from him. I don't know if he does or doesn't want me to text. I know he doesn't want me to call. And he definitely does not want me asking him to come over!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss him. I miss the way he smiles at me. The way he says my name. The way he kisses me. The way he holds me tight like he never wants to let go. But, most of all, I miss the way he loves me. I also have been mourning the last 24 years that we lost. I've been so depressed, I don't know what to do or what to say. But, I'm here. Waiting. Hoping that one day, I'll get a text or call. Possibly he will just show up at my front door. Whatever happens, I will be here waiting, for my Schroeder.

What do you think? Talk to me soon.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Last night

So, I went to see the movie Land Ho! I highly recommend it, if it's playing near you. It is showing at our art house theatre. Sadly, me, my friend and only one other person were in the showing last night. I hope it sticks around, because it is so funny. With our art house, most movies only last a week. But, run to yours in droves to see it, if you are able. 

After a really funny movie and some bonding time with my pal, I came home and started to contemplate what I needed to do. Laundry, take out the trash, get on my elliptical. I opted for crawling into bed. While I was lying there, drifting off to sleep, I began to think about this certain boy. He is just a friend, but in the past things were more serious. I was just wondering where is now and what he's doing. That was the last thought I remember. 

When I woke up, I was all "what the heck?!" I had this dream about an ex-boyfriend, for clarity I'll call him Finn. (I can call him the b word, we were about 20 when we dated, and no, his real name isn't Finn.) I haven't thought of him in so long, it took me awhile to remember his last name! So, in this dream, he was all "I want you back. We were meant to be together. You're my soulmate, blah, blah, blah." Finn finally convinced me we belong together and then there was this strange car chase. It was in a familiar neighborhood, (that two different exes lived in!) During the car chase, Finn was driving one car, I was in the second with a different guy. We were all trying to get to Finn's parents house. It was all very bizarre. 

Of course, the first thing I did was wonder what happened to Finn. Is he  still with that horrible girl he broke up with me to be with? Did she break his heart (I hoped, I know, I'm a terrible person.) I typed Finn's name into Facebook, and there he was smiling back at me. He had a woman and two kids in the picture, it wasn't the same one he left me for, but I didn't snoop around to find out all about him. I did see he lives one county over now. But, it got me to thinking. Whatever did happen to my ghosts of boyfriends past? This is a rabbit hole, I should probably steer clear of, so I shut down my Mac and just went to work. What are your thoughts? 

Talk to me soon! 

Monday, September 8, 2014

What's a girl to do?

Boys. Men. Fellas. Whatever you want to call your guy, they're all lumped into the same category by being of the male persuasion. 

I'm well past the age that I should put up with things just to be with someone. But, I'm also at a stage in my life where I'm tired of being alone. Don't get me wrong. I don't want a husband. I don't want kids. No one over the age of 25 should call their significant other a boyfriend. To me, or just sounds juvenile. So, what is it that I want? A companion? A lover? A friend? All of the above? These are the burning questions floating through my brain today. 

Then there is the age old question of having a friend with benefits. Natalie, Ashton, Mila, JT and the myriad others do not give is a realistic perspective in their respective movies on this subject. The male protagonist in this real-life relationship is not going to fall in love with me. He's not going to know my favorite flower, or bring me a bouquet of carrots.  He's not going to be the Harry to my quirky Sally. We will not live happily ever after, as they want us to assume, since there are no sequels. And there truly is no Mr. Big. I digress, my apologies. 

Secretly, I'm hopeful if anyone is reading this, they don't know me. I prefer to remain anonymous. On the other hand, if you have a question, comment, snide remark, feel free to let me know your thoughts on the subject. I'd love to hear from you. 

Bonus points to you if you get my pop culture references. 

Talk to me soon. 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

To begin with...

I just want to say that I'm a girl without a plan. I have two different degrees and I'm about to go back for my third. I guess I just get bored easily. The two paths I previously pursued, were not what I expected. I became disenchanted with things and here I am now, in my third decade, starting over. I just can't settle for something, whether it's a job, a car or a man. I guess I have high standards, but nothing ever lives up to it. I think I need to reevaluate my priorities. But, that's just me, a girl without a plan. Talk to me soon!

Here we are again...

Well, here we are. It's been a few years since I actually put my thoughts down in this forum, but I feel like it is anonymous enough, so here I go.

This summer, I turned 40. In my mind, I'm still 25. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less about the number of years that continue to tick away. As long as I have birthdays, it means I'm still alive. I don't understand why some people have such a hard time with it. Does that mean they'd rather be dead? But, I digress, that isn't what I came here today to wax philosophical about.

I've begun to reflect on aspects of my life. I imagined that I would have someone to love, live my life with and grow old by this point. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hermit by any means. I date, I have friends and I go out. But, a part of me has began to reflect on ghosts of boyfriends past. Did I let him go too soon? Was I correct in letting this one go? Was that one really the one? Was I too self-absorbed at one point to realize he was right under my nose? Should I really have said no when he proposed?

Most of my relationships have been great. But, I've also been in a few bad ones. I've never been beaten by a man, but I have been in abusive relationships. Psychologically abusive, that is. I don't have anything to compare that to, but I felt like the world was a cold, dark place when I was down that rabbit hole. I'm glad I finally dug my way out of it.

Sometimes a girl just needs a hug. It doesn't matter if she's 4 or 40. But let me give you a word of advice. Hug like you mean it.