Saturday, December 6, 2014

Put on a happy face, or why I'm not hiding in the bed crying my eyes out then apologizing

A hundred times a day people ask me how I am. I would venture that 99% of them don't really care. They want me to say I'm good, ask them some pleasantries and move on. Just once, I'd like to tell someone how I really felt in that moment. But then they'd run off scared and never speak to me again. In some instances, that might be a good thing!

Why are we conditioned to do that though? Take this week, for example. This has been the most horrible week on record for me. Yes, I have this outlet to put my thoughts to the (proverbial) paper. I have had a smile plastered on my face for five days now. But what did I really want to do? Stay in bed with my head buried under a blanket crying my eyes out. In the morning when my alarm went off, my blanket felt like it weighed 30 pounds and it was too heavy to lift off me. I wanted to call in sick to work and not get out of my pajamas all day. But, I couldn't do that. I had to soldier on and put on my clothes, look cute and go out into public. I had to fraternize with the masses. Schmooze people to make a sale. Try to make a buck, so I'd be able to sustain myself.

Yes, it was as horrible as it sounds, but, I only have myself to blame. In case you don't know of what I'm speaking, read the posts from this week and you'll be caught up. But, I'm not letting it get the best of me. You can't keep a good man up, or something like that. The facade will crumble, my cracks will begin to show. It's like when they found the Wizard behind the curtain in Oz. My persona is going to be revealed eventually. Don't get me wrong, if you're really asking me how I am, I'm going to tell you. But, if you're some random person ringing up my groceries, someone I may have a conversation once a year on Facebook or a client, I'm not going to divulge my innermost thoughts to you.

In what I like to think of as "things you probably don't really want to know about me, but I'm going to tell you anyway," here's some more gems for you. I have a bad habit of apologizing. That sounds crazy right? Well, if you've had a bad day at work and you tell me about it, I'm going to say I'm sorry your day was bad. Even though I had nothing to do with why your day went bad. I guess it's my way of empathizing with you. It drives some people in my life mad that I apologize. I don't know how to respond to that. When you tell me something like you've had a bad day, you broke your arm, the shirt you wanted was sold out or anything else along those lines, how am I supposed to respond? No, I didn't break your arm in half or buy all the shirts you wanted, but I'm still sorry that you are going through that. It may seem inconsequential when I say I'm sorry, but I truly am.

I know that I had no part in whatever it is you are telling me about, but how else should I respond? I'm honestly asking. What do you think? It doesn't diminish my sorrow for your pain, anguish or frustration. But how do you want me to respond?

Well, this has truly been one of the most grueling weeks of my life. I'm hopeful that next week will be a bit better. I'll never get over the heartache I have from the events of this week, but I'm hopeful, with time, that I will be able to get back to a state of normalcy. Or, as normal as I've ever been?! I hope your weekend is all sunshine and purple hydrangeas! Talk to me soon, au revoir mon ami!

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