What now?

Thanksgiving is over. All the food has been eaten, family has gone back to their homes. What do we do now? Scramble to get the perfect gift for that great someone in our lives? Getting the exact toy our nieces want? Wrap up money for the older ones? It's one big blur for the next month. But should we really be doing that?

Some people have problems with this time of year. They get depressed, anxious, nervous or any other anxiety known to man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging. I've gone through the entire gamut of anxiety disorders. At one point or another, I've been all of them. But, right now, I'm good. Things are all sunshine and roses. You believe me, right?

I am doing good. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat. The only thing that could make my life even better would be to have the one love of my life as more than my friend. But, that is not possible. Maybe one day, but right now, I'm thankful to have him in my life as my friend. Something is always better than nothing, don't you agree?

I am not where I thought I'd be at forty, but I am happy. Happy is always good, right? Talk to me soon! xoxo

Pre-Thanksgiving

Today is the day before Thanksgiving 2014. This has been quite a tumultuous year and we still have a month left! 

I've gone through heartbreak, elated joy, euphoria, sadness and every other emotion you could imagine. I've had four surgeries in the past 14 months. I've been scared more with each one that there will be a complication and I won't wake from anesthesia. I don't know why I have these feelings, my mom says it's because I'm a hypochondriac. I disagree. 

Yes, I'm a big baby. I don't handle pain well and I don't like being sick. Who does? I just don't deal well with conflict. The conflict within my body if I'm sick, or external conflict with another person. My motto is, can't we all just get along? 

Now, I do have one more tentative surgery that will have to happen at some point. I would prefer to have it this year, since all my insurance starts over in January, and it's be free! I've met all my costs. It's not on the taxpayer. Don't get all riled up about it! Please? Knowing my luck, I'll have to have emergency surgery on January 3. 

But, I just wanted to remind you to love your people with all your might. We never know when our last breath will be. And sometimes you aren't able to say what you really want, because your person may be gone in the blink of an eye. 

Talk to me soon. 

You've got the power!

Is like to think that I'm a strong enough person that I don't give anyone power over me. But, I'd be living in a fantasy. My doctors give advice and guide me into the medical decisions they feel I need to take. Even at 40 years old, my Mom still has power over me. She's very good with the guilt and passive aggressive manipulation. I allowed Schroeder to make all the decisions when it came to our relationship, even when it was time to end. There was also another force that played into that relationship that had a power and was able to dictate the demise of what happened. I won't go into details about that, but needless to say, I need to stop letting so many people have a controlling force in my life. 

They say that life is short. I find that a bit ironic, since it's the one thing that you'll do longer than anything else. When you're born, you start dying. Most people look at it the opposite way, you start living. But, it's just a means to an end. We are all going to die, unless you know something I don't! 

I have given a lot of weight to some decisions and they have not always panned out. Others, I don't even think about the outcome. I just get an idea in my head and I run with it, no matter the consequences. YOLO, right? Dear God, what am I, 23? I can't believe I just said YOLO, that has never came out of my mouth, or thumbs as it were. 

I don't say this out of a depression, or sadness. I just wonder if anyone else life is as controlled as mine. There are some aspects that I am able to say no, but not many. For instance, my Mom is convinced I need to start wearing makeup. I haven't worn that stuff since high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm a natural beauty. Nor am I saying that I'm better than anyone who does wear the stuff. I just feel like me without it on. Sure, there has been the odd day, here or there where I'd wear something. A wedding, funeral or gala. But even then, it was nothing more than some color on my lips and mascara to make my eyes pop. The most I wear now is some California Kissin by benefit. It's a clear gloss with mint built in. So, minty breath and it takes care of chapped lips! Bonus! And I normally only wear it in the winter. Who has chapped lips during the summer? 

I also stay out of the sun. No need to tempt fate. Melanoma is dangerous people! If you haven't done it lately, or ever, go get your moles checked. For me? Early detection is key. 

Alright, talk to me soon. I'm going to try and be better about giving away so much power. What are you doing? 

Can't we all just get along?

There are so many people in this world. We all have to coexist. As far as I'm aware, there's nowhere else for you to go. You may not like what your neighbor, co-workers, bosses, elected officials or even strangers are doing. But, those in power have just that. Power. Here in America, we live in a democracy. If you don't like something that is being done, change it. And by change it, I mean get another job, don't hang out with your neighbor. Vote. I don't care one bit for whom you cast your vote. All I care is that you voted. I will never ask you about your political affiliation or which way you cast your ballot. That is not my business. In return, I will never tell you my affiliation or for which candidates I cast my ballot.

There are so many other pressing issues that you can make a difference. That friend of yours that is always great, ask him or her how she really is. Chances are they aren't. Smiles hide a lot. Pain, Anxiety, Depression, Sadness and many other things. Now, I know that everyone gets into a funk at points in their lives and we all have spurts of this type of behavior. There are too many people who are struggling with these afflictions. Not all of them are lucky enough to be able to cope with things by using a therapist, or medicines. Some people feel that they can just talk to their friends, instead of a professional. I do encourage you to speak with your friends, but you do need to also need to seek solace from a professional. 

So, when you see someone who may or may not be struggling, give them some words of encouragement. A hug, or the offer of a listening ear. I have been a sounding board for so many people over the years and I hope that if I ever needed the same, I could get that in return. If I can give you one piece of advice that I've always lived by, I hope you will take this to heart. Whatever you do, give it your all. Hug like you mean it. Listen like it's your last conversation. Love like there is no tomorrow. Any advice you give, make sure it is solid advice. You never know when we will take our last breath, and I don't know about you, but that scares me. I want the people I love to know that I love them, to the end. I hope they do, but in case they don't, I remind them.

Now, you may call me melodramatic. Or sappy, or even insane. But, when you're in my circle, you're in for life. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of true friends. You'll see as you grow older that true friends are a very valued commodity. The 500 "friends" you have on Facebook or other social media may not even recognize you if you are both in the same aisle at Kroger. I know I've been guilty of that. But, my honest, true, core circle of friends that I have mean the world to me. But, no matter the level of friendship we have, if you ever need anything from me, you better believe I'm going to move Heaven and Earth to make it happen.

Talk to me soon...

Making plans is never a good idea

People will ask what your plan is for your life. Five year, ten year plans never come to fruition. We are never the same person after those plans are made. Every minute decision made alters the course of your life in ways you cannot imagine. Until it's too late. 

When I was 23, I thought I had the world at my fingertips. I could do and be anything. I was invincible. Or so I thought. I had all these lofty goals of who I was going to become. Which people would be in my life for a season, or a reason. There have been many people float in and out of my life since my younger years. 

Why does anything happen? Is there really a bigger picture? Will we ever know the reasons things do or do not happen? Whether you believe in a higher power or not, do you ever really wonder why? I need answers and I don't know where to find them. Can you help? Talk to me soon. 

To date or not to date

As you know already, S and I are no longer romantically involved. I love him dearly, and always will. No matter what happens in the future, I will always be linked to him. I have some wonderful friends who will do anything in the world for me, so I am very lucky in that respect. It will be hard though. He was my everything. I wanted to be his everything, but that was not going to happen. So, he felt it best that we end the romantic aspect of our relationship and focus on the friendship we have. 

My friends think I'm insane for staying and trying to work on a friendship. But, in our defense, we were friends before we were anything else. Granted, that was a long time ago when we were just kids. I drove him home from school and we were doing a dance that would inevitably lead to us dating for the short period of time we had together. I would stop by his house, just because I wanted to see him. He is such an amazing person, I never felt like I measured up. I don't say this from a low self-esteem viewpoint. He was just so unlike any other boys I had ever dated or known. He was amazing. He is amazing. I am lucky to have him in my life again, in whatever capacity I am able to have him. 

Now, I do have my friends to lean on, and my therapist. But, I don't bring my relationships into my family. I do love them, but they are very exasperating. They're all very passive aggressive and I do not appreciate that. They are always trying to find my loose string and unravel me. Most people have a family that builds them up, mine just seems to live so they can tear me down. I don't want to put anyone else in that, so I just keep my Fetching Companion to myself. It's better that way. For both of us, for them, what they don't know, won't hurt...me. 

Call me selfish if you want. But, until there is a definite reason to bring someone into that aspect of my life, I want to spare him. And me. When I'm with my guy, I want him to be comforted and satisfied. I want him to feel loved, safe and protected. Not that I could do a lot in the protection department, but I want him to know that above all else, he comes first. 

What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon. 

It's official

I know you'll be happy to learn that Schroeder and I came to a resolution tonight. He are I have passed our window of opportunity. We will always be an important part of each other's lives, but we will only be friends. I won't lie, I'm a bit heartbroken. But, it is what is best for everyone involved. Irreparable damage has been done over the last 24 years and it can't be what I have built it up in my head to be. Nor are we able to start fresh and rewrite our future.

Why am I telling you this? Catharsis. I need to exorcise the demons that have been in my head and get on with my life. I need to start dating again. But, do I try to seek out something new? Fall back on something comfortable? What do you think? I don't like to let people into my heart. It's a very guarded and locked up chamber. I don't know that I have the strength to go through another heartbreak. But? Isn't that what life is all about? 

Good, bad or indifferent, what do you think? 

My triumvirate

In general, I'm a lucky girl. I have a roof over my head, I am in a relatively safe environment. My parents didn't abuse me. I am a cordial person. I have lots of friends and acquaintances. Here's my current dilemma. 

When I started seeing Schroeder, I had been casually dating a couple other guys. I knew that my heart and soul belonged to Schroeder, from the minute I kissed him. So, I broke things off with the other two. 

Now, fast forward a couple months and we are not in the most ideal of circumstances. He is still it for me. Of that, I am sure. But, for some reason, the two guys have crept back in. Texts, social media, phone calls, they are both contacting me again. I've done nothing to encourage it and have been quite vocal about where my heart belongs. 

What is a girl to do? What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

Am I not memorable?

I have a group of acquaintances that I would sporadically get together. We would be at a house party, in a bar, at a restaurant, hanging out in Market Square or whatever. I have been at mutual events with this one guy for at least two years. We have had long conversations and it's pretty clear that we are past the point of introducing ourselves. Now, I don't mean reminding each other of our names. Introducing ourselves, like we have never met. It is kind of a big joke now.

He works as a demo guy at the grocery store I frequent and the first time I saw him there, I said hi and was talking to him like I knew him. He had a blank stare on his face. It was clearly meaning "who are you?" To which I reminded him who I am. He was still clueless. So, now, every time I see him I just ignore him. I had to remind him we had met at the last couple of events we went to mutually. I give up. If he doesn't remember me, apparently it is my own fault. I need to be more memorable.

Now, my close friends might disagree. I am loud, funny, memorable. The life of the party. That's me. So, it just makes me laugh that he is completely clueless. It's his loss, not mine. And no, I do not want to try your chicken casserole!

While I have been off work from my surgery, I have had a lot of time to reflect and focus on me. I don't like having all that time to myself. There is one special person I want to hold me and reassure me while I am in turmoil. But, he needs time. Maybe I should reinvent myself and introduce him to that Cupcake? No, I would never be happy if I changed myself for a man. Or anyone for that matter. What's a girl to do?

Talk to me soon! xo

Continuing Education

I'm a big advocate for knowledge. Especially when it comes to continued education classes. This world is so fluid, that you can't possibly know everything about your chosen profession. Or hobby or whatever it may be. 

Tonight I have to go to a class for my life insurance license. I found this to be the most boring venture I've ever gotten myself involved. I'll probably never sell one policy, to be honest. But, in case I do, I need to keep my license current. So, I had to drag myself out on this cold, wintery night. So, if you happen to see me out tonight, don't be offended if I'm crabby. 

By the way, have you seen my AmEx? Talk to me soon. 

Just call me Grace

I am not a graceful person. I never have been, and am almost positive that I never will be. When I took my ballet classes as a kid, I'm sure the instructor felt like a criminal taking my parents money. If not, she should have.

That being said, I bruise easily. I have lots of bruises that pop up without any explanation. Normally they are on my arms or thighs. This morning, I woke up with several unknown bruises on my right foot. It has became a joke to me. Everyone else seems to think it is worrisome that I don't know how I get bruised.

Funny story, one semester during college I had three jobs. I sold shoes at a department store, I was a nanny (dear God, why?!) and I worked at UPS loading trucks at night. In addition to those jobs, I also had a full class load. There were literally three hours per day that my time wasn't committed. Now, I didn't live with my parents at this point, so they didn't know about UPS. I figured that they would just be worried. I was being a good little girl and trying to protect them. About a week into this job, my arms are covered with bruises and so are my thighs. But, it was a fall semester, so I had jeans on most of the time. My parents thought I was dating someone who was beating me! The placement of some of the bruises on my arms looked like they could have been fingermarks from where someone was holding me too tight. About three weeks into working for them, I get my first check. It does not have my name on it. It's my Daddy's name, but my SSN. He was listed as my emergency contact, that was the only thing I could think of as to how his name got on there. So, I had to give him the check to cash, which outed me as working for the parcel company.

Sorry, I get off on side stories, but I'm going to tie it all back together. I hope that tomorrow I don't wake up with any mysterious ailments, bruises or scrapes. Until then, stay safe and talk to me soon.

It's cold and I'm on the fence

I've always been a hot natured person. I muh prefer the winter to summer. In public, there's only so much you can take off, AmIRite? 

But, in the last two years, I have been trying to get rid of the body that ate me. For one reason or another, I had doubled in size since high school. Not cool. I finally woke up one day and said enough is enough. There was no promise of a man, job or tangible item that made me have this ephipany. I was killing myself and knew I needed to change. 

I have lost 138 pounds in the last 14 months. I'm still not where is like to be, but I'm getting there. But I have an acquaintance who is in the same path, for different reasons and that's what I want to talk to you about today. 

She is currently "dating" (and I use that term loosely) a man she met at work. He lives in another state. They have never met in person. They have sent pictures back and forth, but no skype, FaceTime or anything where they physically lay eyes on each other. The pictures she is sending are from about five years ago I have no idea if his are current or not. She says they are in love and will be married. They've been together one month. 

She said she can't meet him until she looks like those pictures again. My theory is if he doesn't like you in your current state, then do you really want someone that superficial? If you can't love me fat, why would I give you the time of day when I'm smaller? 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. 

#curlyhairdontcare kind of day

So, my hair has natural curl to it. Not the beautiful waves that you may be thinking, but some crazy, on meth kind of curls. They go a bit of everywhere. Normally I don't leave it curly, I try to blow it out straight. It isn't so bad that I have to get a $200 Brazilian when I want to make sure it is straight, but maybe I should. The tresses are not my friend. Most days. My hair gets all kinds of frizzy, unless a professional is involved. But today, I'm having a #curlyhairdontcare kind of day.

I had surgery last week and am not sure when I am going to be released to go back to work. With my lovely job, I don't get paid if I'm off sick. I'm going to have to go back sooner, rather than later, I'm afraid. I woke up to not having my paycheck deposited, as expected. My account being overdrawn. I haven't paid most of my credit cards in at least a month, some more. My student loans are so far past due it isn't even funny. I feel like I'm back in my 20's. I'm far too old to have these money problems.

I have two jobs, technically three, if you count the "at-home" job I have with a direct marketing company. My facade of a self-sufficient woman who doesn't have to rely on anyone else is crumbling. Fast. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Assuming I live to be in my 80's, this would be half.

I really screwed up the first half. Here's hoping the second half is better.

I miss your love

I'm in love. Head over heels, stupid love. Smiling at songs on the radio because they remind me of him kind of love. Everything is sunshine and rainbows, nothing will ever go wrong kind of love. Then, I remember that it's me. So, of course something is bound to go wrong. Let me tell you a little story.

Schroeder (that's what I call him, adorbs, huh?) So, Schroeder and I have dated in the past. Twice actually. He is my very first love. But, when we were together, both times, outside forces tore us apart. Now, he had no idea that I loved him. I had no idea what my feelings were, to be perfectly honest. I was scared, confused, happy, and every other emotion all balled into one. We were pretty young the first time we dated. He was not my first boyfriend, but he sure was the only one who had that type of impact on me. Sure, I thought I had been in love up to that point. But boy, was I wrong.

We happened to fall back into each others lives about two months ago. It was perfect. The second day we were together, I told him I loved him, I had always loved him. My love for him was the one constant for more than half my life. Little did I know, he had loved me this whole time too.

We had a conversation one night by text. He was flying back to me, he had been on a business trip. He began asking questions about why I had broken up with him the first time. I gave him the reason and he was very angry. Now, just so you know the whole story, it was my Dad that had made me break up with him the first time. In hindsight, I believe it was because he saw how emotionally involved I had become with Schroeder and did not want me to be in that serious of a relationship. It broke my heart to do it, but I was a good little girl and did what I was told. I thought it would be better for him if I didn't give him the details, I was completely wrong about that.

So, while he was on the plane, he told me that he never wanted to see me again. He thought that my ex-boyfriend and my Dad were colluding to get him out of the picture. Now, in his defense, I did get back together with my ex after he and I broke up. But, the only reason I went back to him was because he was safe. I was comfortable with him. I knew that my ex and I would go out, nothing serious and life would get back to normal. I could not have been more wrong.

Now, fast forward about a month after he gets home from his trip. We have seen each other twice since then. I informed him that I didn't care what year it was, he was not breaking up with me over a text. So, he finally came and saw me after he'd been home a couple weeks. We talked about everything and decided that after loving each other for more than half our lives, without knowing each others feelings, that this was too much to let go. So, he said he needed some time. I said I would give him all the time he needs, but I needed to know what that meant. No talking? No texting? No seeing each other? So, he told me texting was fine, but that was it.

Fast forward a couple more weeks, we've been texting. I was getting some mixed messages from him and I thought he was at a point he wanted to see me. Sunshine was flooding my windows, flowers were in bloom, everything was right in the world again! Then, I find out, he was drunk. He still didn't want to see me yet. Ok, I let it go and respected his wishes. Then, last week, I'm having surgery. I knew something would go wrong and I wouldn't make it through. So, I insisted he see me before surgery. He relented and said ok. But, he got sick and couldn't. Now, it's been almost a week since my surgery, I still haven't seen him, we have barely texted. Or, he has barely texted me. I still update him with what's going on, telling him I love him and all the other nonsensical texts that you send to a boy you love. I'm thinking everything is going ok, then I get a text that says I just can't be with you now. Everything is different. Of course I have a meltdown. Again, I think he's trying to break up with me by text. He wants nothing to do with me, he doesn't love me. So, I tell him that if that is the case, I have to see him one last time. I needed him to tell me this to my face. If this is going to be it, and we will never be together, I had to hold him in my arms one last time.

He agreed to see me, but not that day. I sent a text asking if he could see me the next day. He says no. I text him and ask him to not prolong this inevitable conversation. He asks why. So, I plead my case. I tell him that I have to see him, we owe it to ourselves to have that closure. He calls me to have this conversation and the call lasts one minute. I told him that if was to be the last time we were ever to be together, I needed to see him.

Well boys and girls, here's where it gets messy. He gets so angry. Apparently, his message of he can't be with me was his way of saying he needed more time. I thought he was ending things for good. I'm in a standstill at the moment. I'm waiting for direction from him. I don't know if he does or doesn't want me to text. I know he doesn't want me to call. And he definitely does not want me asking him to come over!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I miss him. I miss the way he smiles at me. The way he says my name. The way he kisses me. The way he holds me tight like he never wants to let go. But, most of all, I miss the way he loves me. I also have been mourning the last 24 years that we lost. I've been so depressed, I don't know what to do or what to say. But, I'm here. Waiting. Hoping that one day, I'll get a text or call. Possibly he will just show up at my front door. Whatever happens, I will be here waiting, for my Schroeder.

What do you think? Talk to me soon.