Saturday, December 26, 2015

New day, new beau

Well, I met a guy. We met online and texted for a bit before actually meeting in person. I fell in love with this man before ever laying eyes on him. I'm in well over my head. This fella is pretty great. It's been going on a few weeks now and I don't know what to do. He is such a creature of habit. He has certain places he likes to go and we don't venture to new places.

I'm excited to see where this goes. Talk soon!

Monday, November 30, 2015

What's next?

I need to suck it up and become a productive member of society. Don't get me wrong, I do have a job. I do pay taxes. But what's next?

It seems we're always looking for something bigger and better. But what happens when you run out of the next big thing? I am not saying that everything is been sunshine and roses and that I have nowhere to go but down. In fact, I've just been skating along in mediocrity.

When I say that, I'm speaking professionally not personally. I've had some amazing highs and lows on the personal aspect of my life. I'm just ready to have something professionally, where it feels like I can excel.

I don't have regrets. And I'm not saying that ironically, there's really no point in them. It does me no good to dwell on the past, to what if the situation, or to imagine another outcome. But as I sit here I can't help to think what I've done the last decade. Should I have stayed with that government job? Should I have accepted that corporate job I turned down?

Why can't we just have a map? Life would be so much easier.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

Silly me

Someone came back into my life, but only for a minute. I allowed this to happen, so I'm not trying to play a sympathy card. For a very, very long time I felt that I didn't deserve a mate. Tben I started to look around. I saw all my friends paired with their "soul mates" and it got me thinking. Where's mine?

Maybe I don't deserve one. Maybe I had him and let him go. Maybe he still is yet to come. Or maybe, I'm destined to be alone. One thing I don't like is the uncertainty. I wish that I could just see what was to happen. I don't understand why I feel so alone, when I'm surrounded by people constantly.

Sometimes I let my depression get the better of me, but I try to not let it win. It's so hard living inside my head. And just think is this all there really years?

Monday, July 20, 2015

When it rains, it pours

Hello chipmunks! Well, things are a bit tricky in my world right now. I'm in transition trying to find a new job. The office I was working in closed and the lateral transfer would have me moving four hours away. So, I am not working for a company while looking for gainful employment elsewhere.

I am also trying to navigate the dating world. It's not fun. Trust me. As I told you before, there are two men who have caught my eye. One, I'm insanely attracted to and am anxious to see where it goes. The other one, not so much. He sends me multiple messages daily. He seems to have no other interests or friends outside of me. We have only been seeing each other a few weeks, so it makes me wonder what he did in his free time before that.

He is very clingy and has really big self-esteem issues. He seems to need constant reassurance. It seems as though he monitors my social networks and knows when I'm active on them all to send me direct messages saying as much.

I told him that I'm not comfortable at this point with him having children and he didn't seem to have any problem with this. I find that odd. I just don't know what to do. He's a nice enough guy, I'm just not attracted to him at this point. I want to just see if we are able to be friends. But, I don't know what to do with this. I don't deal well with confrontation. He wants to see me daily. I don't even want to see MYSELF daily!

Tell me the truth? Do you think I'm a horrible person for not wanting to bring this man into my world knowing he isn't divorced. And, even more important, that I don't want to raise his children.

I just don't know what to do. Where's Brandi when I need her?! Talk to me soon. xo

Saturday, July 11, 2015

I know you're sick of me...

I'm 41. We are all going to have baggage. Whether it is with exes, kids, parents, or any combination of those three and anything else. What I need to try to find out is, what is my breaking point? You've been separated for two years, but no divorce yet? You've got kids. Multiple kids. Same mom, different moms, multiple ex-wives? What am I willing to allow in my life?

This, I need to determine. Before I get involved too deep. Maybe I care for you. Maybe I don't. Maybe I like us on paper, but not in real life. Does this make me a bad person? Let me give you some background. In case I haven't told you, I've never been married. I do not have children. And I'm ok with that, on both counts. I knew from a very young age that I didn't want kids of my own.

Now I'm at a stage in my life where I need to decide if I want someone else's kids in my life. I haven't been able to discuss this with my therapist, so by default, you are my sounding board. How am I going to navigate this?

There are two men that I'm currently seeing. (And I use that term very loosely!) They both are in the process of getting a divorce. One has signed the decree, just waiting on the finalization period. The other hasn't even filed paperwork yet. They both have multiple children. I'm attracted to one of them, the other, I can't decide.

I just don't know what to do. Why oh why am I in this situation?! Feel free to respond, I'm anxious to hear your reactions. Good, bad and ugly. Talk to me soon! xoxo

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

This is what a feminist looks like

Call me crazy, but I want to be in love. I want a man to hold my hand, to kiss me like he's never going to see me again. I want to have that all-consuming passion. I want someone to want me so bad, he won't have anyone else if he can't have me. In other words, I want someone who does not exist.

It is my birthday this weekend and I think upon reflection of where I've been in life, I'm not sure I've made the best decisions. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, because I regret nothing. Dwelling on something will get me nowhere, I'm on the wrong side of mid-life, so I am just pondering things at the moment.

For a VERY long time, I just assumed I would never get married, and I was ok with that. I didn't need a man to complete me. I still don't need a man to complete myself, but I want one. I've dated and had a few lovers over the years and they all hold a special place in my mind and heart. They always will, but it will be a small place.

I want someone who thinks of me and a smile passes his lips. If he has a fleeting thought and thinks it'll make me laugh or smile, for him to call or text me. I want to get random messages that say he has been thinking of me. Or just send one that says good morning. Is that really too much to ask? No one is busy ALL THE TIME!

I want someone who wants to crawl into bed just to snuggle. Hold my hand as we are sitting on the couch. Hug me just because he hasn't in a few hours. Put his arm around me and pull me close in bed so I am able to put my head on his chest.

In other words, I want someone to love who loves me back. Truly, madly and deeply loves me with reckless abandon. I will reciprocate, of that you need not worry. Feel free to reach out to me. I hope to find him soon. I'm not getting any younger and I want to spend as much time as possible with him.

Am I being unreasonable? Talk to me soon. xoxo

Saturday, June 13, 2015

What to do

Hello again! Sorry it's been a bit since I last wrote. I have been in a crazy, mixed-up headspace. I don't know where I'm going, or how I'm supposed to get there. My office is closing in five days and I have not been able to line up anything at this point. Not even a temporary position!

On top of that, I had been seeing this really great guy. He's a few years older than me and we were getting along great. He has three jobs, so he is really busy, but we made it work. He would text or call when he had time. He was always a perfect gentleman. But then, one day, out of the blue, he just went MIA. He didn't return any calls, or texts. He had asked me to be patient in the beginning since he is so busy. I thought I had been, but one night, I called to see if he was coming over. He got really angry at me and said that he'd come when he had time. At that point, I hadn't seen him in three weeks. Another week has passed and he didn't reach out to me once.

In that week, another fella started showing interest in me. He seems really nice, and funny. He came by today and we hung out for a couple of hours. He was uncomfortable and I tried to lighten the mood by telling silly stories. I am pretty sure I'll never hear from him again.

So, what's a girl to do. I am so sick of starting over. I'm the only common thread in all these failed relationships, so obviously it is me. I guess I need to talk to my therapist about this instead of a bunch of  strangers. Feel free to chime in!

Monday, March 30, 2015

What's the point

So, I've been on a high for the last week. Not high on drugs, I don't do those. But, high on life. I just got back from the most amazing trip and it was first-class all the way. It was something I had won from work and there were about 300 other people on this journey as well.

We were able to take someone with us and since I don't have a husband, or a serious boyfriend, I took one of my friends. She and I had such a good time. Meeting new people, doing new things, visiting places we had never been before. It was magnificent.

Getting home was a bit of a nightmare, there were mechanical issues, plane delays, waiting in line for five hours to get rebooked, diversions to unscheduled layover airports and the list goes on. It took 19 hours for a flight that should have taken 2 1/2.

The airline did comp a room for me when I finally arrived in Dallas, but it was a hotel that I was actually afraid to stay in by myself. Thanks American Airlines! So, I had to then go find another hotel that could accommodate me for the evening. That was an adventure.

I finally get home and my emotions are running amok. I'm not sure why. Since I've been home, I am almost positive that I have ruined a friendship of more than 20 years. I asked a few questions, they were misconstrued and some things were inferred incorrectly. So, now I've lost one of my best friends.

Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just crawl into bed? I am right now. I wish I could call the man who loves me more than anything to come pull me tight and tell me everything will be ok. I just need to find this man. Or, come to the realization that he does not exist and give it all up.

Some days I just need a hug and for someone to truly mean it.

Saturday, February 7, 2015


Yesterday I received a text from someone I thought I had a friendship. He told me that it was painful to talk with or text me. He said I should think of him as dead. He wanted me to cut off all communication. I told him that I respected him enough that I will do as he wishes, but if he ever needed me or wanted to talk, I would be there. He responded that he would never need me.

In the moment, I was hurt. I even shed a couple of tears. It made me very angry after I got over the initial shock. I realized that all this man has done is hurt me. He's been quite nasty to me at times but very sweet at other times. The ups and downs of our friendship were very rough for me, at one point, we were romantically involved. That part of our relationship ended and all we were left with were the friendship.

He has blamed me for all his failed romantic relationships. He claims I am the reason he acts the way he does. I am not the reason for his pain. If he has reconciled in his mind that I am the genesis of all the pain he has endured during his lifetime, that is not on me. I know that. I just wish he would realize I am not the true cause.

But, now I no longer have to endure his wrath. I hope that one day we are able to be friends again, but until then, I'll just have to hope that whatever the true demons living in him are able to be exorcised.

Then again...maybe I am a demon. Talk to me soon, xo.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The Goat Farmer

Yes, you read that correctly. I went out with this guy who has been asking for a couple years. I finally said yes and agreed to meet him at a convenient location downtown. We somehow became Facebook friends about four years ago. But we have no mutual friends or anything in our profiles that match. I'm not sure how he found me, but he did.

Every time he's asked I have politely declined the date. I'm not sure why I said yes this last time but I know I'll never say yes again. He asked me to meet him at a bar that is surrounded by a lot of restaurants. As I'm walking up to the bar, i'm dreading it already. We introduce ourselves and he immediately asks what I think about pizza and wine. There's a pizza place a few doors down, so that's where I assume we're going. To my surprise, he turns and walks into the bar we're standing in front of, and sits in a booth.

I follow him into the restaurant, assuming he wants a drink. To my surprise as soon as we sit down, he asks what I think about barbecue pizza. I look at him questioningly, as the server walks up. He orders wine and asked me if I want any, I did not. I needed to keep a clear head so I can get out of there. He starts talking about pizza again, and I ask they serve food here? He claimed it was the best food on Market Square. (Spoiler alert, it's not!)

He orders the pizza and asked for jalapenos on the side. The server tells him that he will have to pay for them and he asks how much? She said it would be between one and two dollars and he sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about if he wanted them. He finally decided to get them and I sat there wondering how long I had to stay without appearing too rude.

He kept talking about getting free food at tailgates and the opera and all of these other crazy things and finally I asked him what it was he did for a living. He said that he didn't work, he had retired already. He dodged the questions about from where he retired. I asked what he did now and that's when he said he was a goat farmer.

He ended up buying me a flower for the man walking around downtown selling them. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he insisted. Then he took my picture with it, here's hoping it didn't end up on social media! Then he asked to walk me to my car. I told him that was unnecessary. He insisted. On the way to the car, he was limping. I asked if he had parked in the same garage as me and he said no. This is where he asked me to go to the opera with him in February. Valentine's day to be exact.  (This was very early January) I said thank you, but I had other plans.

We rode the elevator up with an elderly couple in the garage. He said he lived in a different part of town and had not driven. He asked for a ride home! I had just met this guy, was completely uncomfortable and did not want him anywhere in my car!

Lesson learned? Don't go out with someone you've been blowing off for two years and you are not remotely attracted to, it will end badly.

Friday, January 16, 2015

This week

My last seven days

Friday I was told I was a mistake (romantically speaking)

Saturday fell off my bed and hurt my knee

Sunday I don't remember

Monday really bad date

Tuesday ten year anniversary of my daddy's death and I had to start testing for organ donation 

Wednesday horrible date (different guy) he even asked me for a ride home 

Thursday was told "it's not you...its me" by someone I had not even met yet! Why do I agree to blind dates?! 

This has to get better, right? Or should I just go buy a bunch of cats and forget it all? 

Talk to me soon. xo

P.S. I had a date Sunday night with a different guy. He also asked for a ride home?! WhTs up with guys these days? 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

This sucks

This is going to be a hard week. Tuesday is the tenth anniversary of my Daddy's death. This. Just. Sucks. There's no other way to say it. I don't have him here to run to when I need something. Or, for him to hug me and tell me it's all going to be ok. 

I have to just suck it up and be an adult. The dead dads club is one I do not want to be a member. But, I can't change what has happened. It seems like my life has been one big screw up after another. 

So, I'm going to try and turn things around. I'm going to be tested this week to see if I'm a liver match. I'm going to try to be a live donor for a friends husband. He is a very sweet man, and Elaine is such a sweet lady. I want to do all I can. 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. xx

Friday, January 9, 2015


Someone just called me the mistake of 2014. That hurt. I don't believe in mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. Now, we may not immediately see or know the reason. But, it doesn't make it any less valid. 

Yes, he is married. And yes, he is sleeping with a plethora of women. But seriously? A mistake. This man claims to love me, yet being intimate with me was a mistake. 

He says this because he no longer wants any type of romantic involvement with me. He only wants to be friends. My response? Great. Let's just be friends. He thinks I'm under some delusion that we will eventually get back to what we had. No, my friend, I. Am. Not. All we are is friends. And that's all we will ever be. 

He claims I text or call him too much. This is why he believes I still want to be with him. It makes me sad to think of where he is in life. His wife knows about the other women, and doesn't care. He feels as though I don't have the mental capacity to only be friends with him. I am a fully functioning adult. I know what it means to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without romance being involved. I have more male friends than female. 

He is also saying that my feelings aren't valid. Or true. Then, when I say this hurts me, he goes into attack mode again. I just don't understand. 

Friends. That's what we are. At least I think we are. I've never let any of my other friends speak to me the way he does. So why do I put up with it from him? I don't know. Maybe my new therapist will. 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. xx

P.S. For the record, I will allow myself to be anyone's mistake. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Dinner, a movie and rejection

I had dinner tonight with a good friend, she's my movie wife! We are always going to the movies, I'm so glad she loves the independent films as much as I do. We both signed up for a card called moviepass. It's $35 per month and you get a two week free trial with it. The way it works, you download their app and "check-in" to whatever movie you want to see that day. When you go up to the ticket counter, you have what looks like a credit card, they swipe it and you go in. Easy peasy. If you see more than three movies per month, I highly recommend you look into this. I have seen two movies so far with my card. I hope to see lots more this year!

We went and ate some yummy Mexican food before the movie. The server was such a cutie! He has waited on us before and he actually recognized us. Is that a good thing? I don't know! He was so much fun, he kept checking back in on us and standing around talking. We went back and forth discussing movies and other things. When he brought us the checks, we ordered another drink. While I was signing my slip, I got a bit of courage. I wrote my number on the top of the check and told him to call me sometime.

My friend got so embarrassed when he came and picked up our check. I told him I wrote him a little note, but I wouldn't be offended if he didn't want to. She started giggling even more and turned red! It was so funny, the note had nothing to do with her, he felt he had to look at the note right there. He said he was flattered, but he was seeing someone. But he would hold onto my number...just in case. I guess this makes me his backup plan?

I looked a hot mess today, but didn't realize that at the time. I only saw myself about an hour later when we went to the movies. I laughed, but, I guess that's why I'm only good enough to be the back-up plan. I am not like most women. I don't wear make-up, so what you see is all me. The good and the bad. I also don't put a ton of time on my hair. Flat irons, curling irons,'s a good day if my hair is hit with a hair dryer! Don't get me wrong, for special events, I'll break out all the horrible devices and make myself look nice. On a regular day, not so much.

Maybe I'd have better luck if I did indulge in the make-up, perfect hair and perfect clothing each day. But that isn't me. I don't want someone who is only concerned with my exterior. My interior is what I want someone to want me for. What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon.

Monday, January 5, 2015


So, I'm doing a bit of a social experiment. I am allowing two of my friends to join dating websites, as me, and letting them pick my dates for me. 

Insane? Or genius? I don't know yet. I don't have the best track record when it comes to the men I've chosen to date. I just always pick the wrong guy. So, I'm leaving it in their hands. 

Now, they're not going to pretend I'm anything I'm not. And they aren't going to do anything nefarious. So, I'm not going to end up on that Catfish show! But, this should be fun. 

I've decided to make this the year of me. And with that, I plan to get out more. I assume I'll be the Queen of First Dates! Or, I'll get murdered. Both are equally likely to happen. 

What's your take on this? I'll keep you posted as we go along. Thoughts or comments? Talk to me soon! 

Saturday, January 3, 2015


I don't want to be a back-up plan. I deserve to have someone that makes me as much of a priority as I make them. I'm speaking of friends and boyfriends, hence the pronoun them. I have a bit of a problem with this statement. In theory, I wholeheartedly believe in its validity. On the other, I tend to not put it into practice for myself. I know that if someone is treating someone I care about this way, I don't have any qualms about telling that person how unjust they should feel! The indignity! You're sitting at home pining away for him/her while they are out screwing other people? He/She didn't check on you while you were sick? We hate him/her.

But, putting it into practice for myself? Yes, it makes me sad. I would like to say I have the strength to stand up to him/her and say NO MORE! But, I don't. I let myself be the victim, loser, idiot or whatever adjective you want to insert.

How do you handle this? Or, are you lucky enough to say you don't have this problem? Sometimes I wonder if I'm seriously even worth the effort. Maybe I just need to get it through my head that this is the best I'm ever going to get. I should be happy that I'm even on their radar. Then, I decide that's stupid. I really need to find a new therapist, but you guys are so much cheaper.

Talk to me soon. xo

Thursday, January 1, 2015


I have an Aunt who had been beaten all her life. First by her father, then by her husband. I've felt sorry for her my entire life. When my dad was finally old enough to stand up to that man, he beat him and kicked him out of his own house. He never set foot in there again. 

I've always wondered why she stayed with her husband when she had a clear way out. My dad offered many times to get her away from that husband and put her away to where he would never find her. 

Now I am that woman, in a sense. I am no longer with the guy that hit me, but he still haunts me. The last week I have been getting calls from unknown or private numbers. I assumed it was AmEx or Madtercard wanting to know when they could expect my payment since I'm far behind. But, I got curious and answers a couple of them yesterday. 

No one spoke. I could hear breathing, but no one ever said anything. It was odd, but I didn't think anything about it. Then, today, I go to the gym, do my morning routine and I get another call. I didn't answer. 

My mom wanted to go to Dillard's today, and heaven forbid she drive herself down there. So, off to the mall we went. We were there maybe an hour and I saw him. I was paralyzed by fear. I just stood there. Praying that he didn't turn and look at me. I finally snapped out of it and ducked behind a rack and into the dressing room. I stayed in there at least 30 minutes. 

So, when I say I am now that woman, I mean that I'm a woman that lets a man control her. I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to be looking over my shoulder. Or, staying home in fear of running into him. I want to be free. I want to be happy. Doesn't everyone? 

Talk to me soon. xo