Wednesday, December 17, 2014

What would happen?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just disappeared? I've been contemplating that a lot lately. If I just vanished, would anyone really notice? I mean sure, all my frenemies would act like they cared, for a day or two. But once the next hot piece of gossip hit, they'd forget about me. 

My mom would be upset, but the rest of my family, I'm not so sure. My true friends would be upset for a week, maybe two, before it started to fade. It all just makes me wonder what's the point? 

I try to do the right thing. I'm nice, I volunteer, I give to others. I put myself last in every situation. But where does that get me? Don't get me wrong, I don't do things expecting anything in return. Ever. I do them out of the goodness of my heart and from an honest place. But sometimes I wonder, when is someone going to do something for me?! 

This sounds pious and self-righteous. I really don't mean it to be. I mean, if I were a Muslim, the scales on my good deeds would far exceed any wrongdoing in my life. But, I'm not, so I don't have to worry about that particular judgement. 

Flowers for no reason, a call just to say I love you, someone missing me so much they can't wait another moment to hold me in their arms, those are the things I crave. And miss. Don't misinterpret me, I'm not whining. At this point in my life, my biggest problem is wondering how I'm going to pay the bills each month. (Or, to be honest, which bills will get paid that month.) No one is currently beating me. I don't have any kids to worry about. I don't have anyone who belittles or berates me on a daily basis. (Just every so often, and I chalk that up to problems in that persons life.) 

Maybe I'm selfish, but I just want to be happy. Genuinely, happy. Is that too much to ask? 

Talk to me soon, Mon'Amis.

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