Presents

It's that time of year again. Trying to find that perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas list. But how are we going to do that? Ask them what they want? Try to find it ourselves? Or are we going to just buy them what I would want?

Whichever way we go, it's going to be wrong. Either they'll change their mind or they won't like what I picked out. Sometimes, I think we should just skip the giftgiving, what about you?

I think that would be an incredible idea, to just skip the gifts. But, the kids would not understand. Don't give me wrong, I don't have any kids. But my niece and nephews would not have any of that. My biggest problem with them though they always wait till the last minute. And what they decided they want is the same thing every other teenager wants. So of course I can't find it.

So here I go to every online retailer I can think of every brick-and-mortar but no luck. I'll be even called friends out of town they were coming in to see if they can give me what I need. I can't be the only person that goes through this, am I? 

Talk to me soon. 

The Doors

I'm watching a documentary about The Doors. I love their music, but I'm not digging the movie. It isn't really telling me anything new. I would have learned all this information with watching the Val Kilmer movie about them. Luckily, I'm watching it at home and not wasting $12 to go see it. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about supporting indie films. But it needs to engage me. Teach me something. Otherwise, it's a waste. 

Take the movie Boyhood for instance. That was three hours of my life I will never get back. That was the most overhyped movie in my opinion. It had a great concept and had plenty of potential. But, it fell flat. In a major way! There was no character development. I didn't know anything about any of the characters when the movie ended. Other than watching them age 12 years. 

Talk to me soon! I hope your day has been great! 

The end

Well, if you're keeping up, I wanted to full you in on the results from last night. He isn't willing to speak with me. He is still angry about the misinterpretation of my text. So, our friendship is over. 

I don't understand him wanting to throw away a friendship. I can understand if he wants to end the sexual nature of our relationship, but to throw away a true friendship? Those are so rare and valuable, to me anyway. I just don't understand why. This is going to be rough to get through. 

What would you do? Talk to me soon. 

How do I fix this?

Someone said to me today that if you follow your heart, you can't go wrong. I must disagree. I've been in an unusual situation recently. I had followed my heart, but it just got me into trouble. It wasn't a relationship in the conformist definition. It was more of an arrangement. We had a mutually beneficial plan. There is one aspect normally in a relationship that we were not getting from our respective relationships. He and I fulfilled that with each other. 

Now, we had a past, so there were emotions involved. It was a beautiful thing. It was clear cut, with no mistake what this was and what it wasn't. I loved having my friend as my lover. But, it was not going to become anything more. I know that. He knows that. 

Here's where it gets a bit fuzzy. He tells me it's ok to text him. Ok to tell him I love him. He wants to know what is going on in my life and for me to keep him informed about what is going on with me. But then, when I do these things, he gets angry with me. I don't understand. 

Now, he's so angry with me, he may never even speak to me again. There are so many things I still want to say. But our separate relationships make that difficult. 

Will he ever know that even though I love him, our friendship and platonic love is infinitely more important? Maybe he's secretly reading this and he will know my thoughts. Or, he has decided to cut me off completely and that decision is final. 

I'm so very hopeful that all is not lost. We had such a beautiful thing. I hope and pray it's not gone forever. Talk to me soon. Let me know what you're thinking. 

Texting, oh how I hate it!

Texting has to be the worst form of communication. We have leveraged ourselves to not having actual conversations with people. Now, we only text or use social media to get across what we are trying to say. I miss actually speaking with people. Mostly because a text can go so horribly wrong.

Take today for instance. I sent a text with an innocent, little sentence. The recipient took it to mean completely the opposite of what I meant and he proceeded to let me have it. As I tried to explain the context in which I meant this, he was not hearing any of my words. He was so angry about what he thought I meant, he wouldn't see what I actually meant. We went back and forth, in text, for quite some time. Finally, I just gave up and called him. Knowing he wouldn't answer, I left a message trying to explain where the miscommunication had came into play. He called me while I was leaving a message and I think I convinced him I did not mean what he thought I had said.

Now I want to ask you, have our smartphones truly made us an unsocial society? With all the social media rampant today, it seems ironic to ask, but what do you think? Social media gives us a platform to hide behind. We have all these cute cards to pin or share that we think says exactly what we are thinking, but saying it better than we could. We never express our own true feelings to a person, face to face. Or even in a conversation on the phone. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a conversation with a person on the phone. To me, that is sad. If we are friends, I want to talk to you, I want to be able to call you and tell you what is going on. I want to hear your voice, your laughter, your sadness. I don't want you to just send me a text. But, I'm in the minority on this. But, if that is the only way we have to communicate, I am going to text you. If I have a stupid, random thought that pops into my head and I want to tell you, I'll text you. If you are too busy to answer, then don't.

Yes, it is easier to just send a one or two word text to try to convey what we are feeling. I think that friendships and relationships are suffering because of this. I know I may have lost a friend today because of a text misunderstanding. That breaks my heart. Just know, that if I ever send you a text, there is no hidden meaning. The words mean exactly how they read. If I want a word emphasized, I'll put an * around it. No * means no emphasis on any word, got it?

I hope you've had a good day, let me know what you think. Talk to me soon.

What now?

Thanksgiving is over. All the food has been eaten, family has gone back to their homes. What do we do now? Scramble to get the perfect gift for that great someone in our lives? Getting the exact toy our nieces want? Wrap up money for the older ones? It's one big blur for the next month. But should we really be doing that?

Some people have problems with this time of year. They get depressed, anxious, nervous or any other anxiety known to man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging. I've gone through the entire gamut of anxiety disorders. At one point or another, I've been all of them. But, right now, I'm good. Things are all sunshine and roses. You believe me, right?

I am doing good. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat. The only thing that could make my life even better would be to have the one love of my life as more than my friend. But, that is not possible. Maybe one day, but right now, I'm thankful to have him in my life as my friend. Something is always better than nothing, don't you agree?

I am not where I thought I'd be at forty, but I am happy. Happy is always good, right? Talk to me soon! xoxo

Pre-Thanksgiving

Today is the day before Thanksgiving 2014. This has been quite a tumultuous year and we still have a month left! 

I've gone through heartbreak, elated joy, euphoria, sadness and every other emotion you could imagine. I've had four surgeries in the past 14 months. I've been scared more with each one that there will be a complication and I won't wake from anesthesia. I don't know why I have these feelings, my mom says it's because I'm a hypochondriac. I disagree. 

Yes, I'm a big baby. I don't handle pain well and I don't like being sick. Who does? I just don't deal well with conflict. The conflict within my body if I'm sick, or external conflict with another person. My motto is, can't we all just get along? 

Now, I do have one more tentative surgery that will have to happen at some point. I would prefer to have it this year, since all my insurance starts over in January, and it's be free! I've met all my costs. It's not on the taxpayer. Don't get all riled up about it! Please? Knowing my luck, I'll have to have emergency surgery on January 3. 

But, I just wanted to remind you to love your people with all your might. We never know when our last breath will be. And sometimes you aren't able to say what you really want, because your person may be gone in the blink of an eye. 

Talk to me soon.