Second chances

There is so much negativity in this world, we need to all look at the bigger picture. Not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. There are so many things that happen that seem like the end of the world at the time. We just need to take a step back and analyze what really happened. That person may be having the worst day of their life. They may be lashing out at you just because you are there. 

In reality, most conflict between people are not really between those two. It's an internal conflict with the person who picked the fight. I normally just let things roll off my back. If someone says truly hurtful things to me (which happens more than you'd think) I don't let them see my hurt. Yes, your words and actions do hurt me. I am a very sensitive person. But, I will only let those emotions come out in private.

Whatever your friend, lover, boy/girlfriend or spouse is going through, my feelings are minuscule in comparison. I will be over it quickly. But, your feelings may not heal for some time. I don't want to compound the situation with me lashing back to you. 

So, the moral of the story is that you should forgive and forget. Holding onto things to throw back into your partners face is only toxic. It will not lead anywhere I want to go. But, I may be an anomaly. 

I hope you're doing well and enjoy my ramblings. If not, let me know. We will still be pals! Talk to me soon! 

A new job?

It's no secret that I am unhappy in my current position. Today a list came out with a list of offices that will close next quarter. While I should be happy to have a job, I am hopeful that when I get the courage to open that e-mail tomorrow, I will have some clarity. 

If it turns out that we are closing, it will be good for me, physically and emotionally. Financially is another story. I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. It isn't cool. I am currently drowning in debt, I have so much that I should be thankful for, but I spent so many years living beyond my means. I am trying to dig my way out, but it isn't easy. It seems as if there is no end in sight. 

I've applied for so many part-time jobs, but I keep hearing the same thing. You're too qualified. You'll be bored. You won't be here for the long haul. Why won't you people give me a chance?! Seriously, I just want to be a bartender. It's my lifelong goal, I promise I'll stick around! 

How do you manage when you're in over your head? Talk to me soon! xo

Traditions

Herr Drosselmeyer, Clara, Fritz...these are a few of my Christmas traditions. I go to see The Nutcracker each year with a friend of mine. We've gone annually for at least 15 years. Probably longer. 

It's the one consistent thing in my life. My Daffy used to make fun of me, saying that the story didn't change from the year before! But, it's the one sure thing. It's nice to have things we can count on in life. When so much is uncertain in this world, the little things make me feel so safe. 

One other thing you can count on is me watching the Christmas movies on the Hallmark Channel. I love them! Especially Moonlight and Mistletoe. That has to be my favorite. It doesn't matter that five minutes into the movie I've figured out what will happen. I still watch them. I've been a bit disappointed in the new films this year, but, I still watch. 

What do you do for your holiday traditions? Talk to me soon. 

This is why we can't have nice things

Last night, I get home and pull into my garage. I'm getting my bag out of the backseat and I notice the door into my place is wide open. No lights are on and I am contemplating if I should go on inside. Then I realize that's what the dumb blonde that does in the first five minutes of every scary movie does. So, I get back into my car and back out of the driveway. 

I call the sheriff's office and ask to speak to someone I know. He's off. The guy answering asked what's was going on, and he transferred me to 911. Now, the dispatcher starts grilling me, making sure I didn't leave the door open myself etc. He stays on the phone with me until the officers arrive. 

Two squad cars drive up and tell me to stay outside. The whole time they were inspecting my house, I'm worried they're going to have to shoot someone in my living room and that's just going to piss me off. 

I have this beautiful white rug in there. It's a one of a kind and retailed for more than I care to admit! Let's just say it's hand loomed and leave it at that. 

Now, about twenty minutes go by before the two men come out to get me. But, I didn't hear any shots fired, so I'm counting it as a win. They tell me everything looks ok, nothing looks as if it had been gone through. But they want me to double check since I'm the one who lives here. 

Nothing had been stolen, thankfully. No one was bleeding to death on my rug. And all seemed to be ok. I counted these all as a win! 

They proceeded to give me a lecture about safety and advised me to call if I needed anything else. Maybe I just need a guardian. Or a pool boy to do these things for me. Feel free to apply! 

Talk to me soon! 

High School

I was part of a clique in high school that, in retrospect, was kind of like a movie mashup. We were part Mean Girls, part Heathers (without the murder,) a little bit of Clueless and some Bring It On thrown in for good measure. 

What kind of kid were you? Did you have all the "right" friends? Go to the best parties? Wear the current clothes? Did you have the world at your fingertips? I did. I just didn't realize it. Looking back, I can't believe how naïve I was. And, to an extent, I still am. I take people at their word. I will believe anything you tell me. Until you give me a reason not to, I'm going to think your words and actions are golden. 

Another trait I have is to forgive easily. I've been told it's a major flaw. But, it's ingrained into me so deeply that I really don't know that there is anything you could do to me that I would not forgive. Unless you murder me. Then, I wouldn't be here to forgive you. But chances are high I wouldn't hold it against you from beyond the grave. 

Back to high school. There are two moments in high school that still effect me to this day. I wish more than anything I could go back in time, like a book or movie. I know this isn't realistic. I had no idea that a decision would have such a long lasting change in my life. I still have a problem making rash judgement decisions, but I'm trying to work on that. 

I hope you're having a good Monday. Talk to me soon! 

What's a girl to do

For most of my life, I have always done what is expected of me. Whatever my parents wanted me to do while I was under their roof, I obliged. That has spilled over into my adulthood as well. If someone asks me to do something, chances are I'm going to say yes. Whether it is something I want to do is irrelevant. 

Just once, I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to stand up and fight for what I want. Or who I want. I just want to be happy. Now don't get me wrong. My happiness is not contingent on another person. I know I am the only one who can make me happy. 

The problem is, I'm not making decisions that will ensure my happiness. I speak and act before I think. I make rash decisions that blow up in my face. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now and have stopped. But, I haven't. I've ruined some relationships with my hasty decisions. 

So, if I ever have a harsh word or react in a way that you may not like, please talk to me about it. I would hope you wouldn't sever ties completely with me. But, if you feel that's your only course of action, just know that I'm always here for you. Regardless of what has happened. 

J'adore mon ami! Talk to me soon. 

Put on a happy face, or why I'm not hiding in the bed crying my eyes out then apologizing

A hundred times a day people ask me how I am. I would venture that 99% of them don't really care. They want me to say I'm good, ask them some pleasantries and move on. Just once, I'd like to tell someone how I really felt in that moment. But then they'd run off scared and never speak to me again. In some instances, that might be a good thing!

Why are we conditioned to do that though? Take this week, for example. This has been the most horrible week on record for me. Yes, I have this outlet to put my thoughts to the (proverbial) paper. I have had a smile plastered on my face for five days now. But what did I really want to do? Stay in bed with my head buried under a blanket crying my eyes out. In the morning when my alarm went off, my blanket felt like it weighed 30 pounds and it was too heavy to lift off me. I wanted to call in sick to work and not get out of my pajamas all day. But, I couldn't do that. I had to soldier on and put on my clothes, look cute and go out into public. I had to fraternize with the masses. Schmooze people to make a sale. Try to make a buck, so I'd be able to sustain myself.

Yes, it was as horrible as it sounds, but, I only have myself to blame. In case you don't know of what I'm speaking, read the posts from this week and you'll be caught up. But, I'm not letting it get the best of me. You can't keep a good man up, or something like that. The facade will crumble, my cracks will begin to show. It's like when they found the Wizard behind the curtain in Oz. My persona is going to be revealed eventually. Don't get me wrong, if you're really asking me how I am, I'm going to tell you. But, if you're some random person ringing up my groceries, someone I may have a conversation once a year on Facebook or a client, I'm not going to divulge my innermost thoughts to you.

In what I like to think of as "things you probably don't really want to know about me, but I'm going to tell you anyway," here's some more gems for you. I have a bad habit of apologizing. That sounds crazy right? Well, if you've had a bad day at work and you tell me about it, I'm going to say I'm sorry your day was bad. Even though I had nothing to do with why your day went bad. I guess it's my way of empathizing with you. It drives some people in my life mad that I apologize. I don't know how to respond to that. When you tell me something like you've had a bad day, you broke your arm, the shirt you wanted was sold out or anything else along those lines, how am I supposed to respond? No, I didn't break your arm in half or buy all the shirts you wanted, but I'm still sorry that you are going through that. It may seem inconsequential when I say I'm sorry, but I truly am.

I know that I had no part in whatever it is you are telling me about, but how else should I respond? I'm honestly asking. What do you think? It doesn't diminish my sorrow for your pain, anguish or frustration. But how do you want me to respond?

Well, this has truly been one of the most grueling weeks of my life. I'm hopeful that next week will be a bit better. I'll never get over the heartache I have from the events of this week, but I'm hopeful, with time, that I will be able to get back to a state of normalcy. Or, as normal as I've ever been?! I hope your weekend is all sunshine and purple hydrangeas! Talk to me soon, au revoir mon ami!