Big Eyes

I have a friend in from out of town and we went to dinner and a movie tonight. She and I got to catch up and have some fun. We only get together a couple times each year and that is bad. With work, family, and other commitments, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

Tonight we had some yummy Mexican food, then went to see the movie Big Eyes. Have you seen it yet? If not, go see it now. It's really funny, enlightening, sad, heartbreaking, and I could keep going on! It goes right through the entire emotional roller coaster of emotions. I love movies like this that make me think.

I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but any review you read will tell you this part. The female lead is made to submit to her husband with her art. It made me think about the way marriages are today versus back in the 1960's.

Back then, women didn't really have a say in things, from what I've learned in books and movies. Sometimes, I think about how far our society has come and wonder. Are all these changes good? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women having a voice and being able to do and say what they want. I just think that we have become a disposable society. Be it a boyfriend, marriage, job, or even something small, like clothing. Everything is replaceable.

Are we all looking for the next "bigger, better thing?" Talk to me soon, I'm here for you! xo

Decisions, decisions

Whether we realize it or not, everything we do has a ripple effect. Each and every decision we make, be it little or small, is going to alter our future. Now, it may not have a noticeable effect at the moment, but somewhere down the line, it will hit you. Or, you may not ever think of that moment again.

I've been evaluating my life lately. Call it what you will, self-realization, reflection, a mid-life crisis, or remorse. There were so many minute details that I either tossed away, ignored or felt like they didn't matter. As I'm finding out now, they made a huge change in my life.

There was one job I had, about 8 years ago. I really liked the job, I just didn't care for the location. So, I resigned. There were other factors in my resignation, but when it comes down to it, I needed to come home to "recharge" and grieve a loss. At the time, I thought it was exactly what I needed. Now, on one hand, I realize it was the dumbest thing I could have done. On the other, it was the right decision.

I just wish I had all the answers. I know it would make life a bit boring, but, knowing where and when we were supposed to do things would make life so much simpler.

I hope you're doing well. Talk to me soon, mon'Amis!

Why bother?

I'm writing and writing, pouring out my deepest and darkest secrets. Is anyone reading this? Am I talking to an imaginary audience? Does anyone even care? If I stopped, would you notice? I'm only asking because I don't know if this is still a good medium for me. If you are reading, are you entertained? Do you like what I have to say? Are you sick of me? Talk to me. Tell me what you want to hear. I'm happy to have an open dialog, but, I'm not heating a peep from you. 

Let me know what you think. Should I boyher? Talk to me soon. xoxo Cupcake 

Hugs, love and everything else

Today, I needed a hug. A real hug, from someone who loves me. Someone who hugs like they mean it. But, I didn't get one. Yes, I've seen friends and family today. I've gotten the half-hearted hug. You know the one I mean. It feels like they are only hugging you because they have to. I despise those hugs. If that's all the effort you're going to put into it, don't bother. 

It is Christmas Eve. Today would have been my Daddy's 69th birthday. In a couple of weeks, it will be the ten year anniversary of his death. Most people love this time of year. For me, it just brings up remorse, sadness, loneliness and grief. If I could just go away somewhere from December 15-January 20th, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Everyone else has gone on about their business. Getting married, having babies, getting divorced, as if nothing has happened. If no one mentions it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to resolve these feelings. What can I do? 

I try to find a nice fella to date, he hits me. I reconnect with my first love, only for that to not work either. Yes, we are still friends, but S will never be anything more than my friend. He's made that clear. I would rather have him in my life than not, so I'm grateful for his friendship. 

As for me being single, I'm beginning to think that the only plausible conclusion is that I don't deserve to be loved. Now, I'm not saying that for you to perceive it as a cry for help. Maybe I've done too many wrong things in my past. When you weigh the good against the bad, maybe the bad side wins? People keep telling me I've just not met "him" yet. I'll let you in on a secret, I have met "him" but once I realized it, it was too late. 

So, tell me what you think? The good, bad, ugly or indifferent. If love to hear your thoughts. Do you believe that there is only one true love for each of us? 

Talk to me soon, and Merry Everything! 

Elvis Costello

Have you ever heard the song She by Elvis Costello? If I had to pick, I would say it is my favorite song. It is such a beautiful song. It makes me very happy and sad at the same time. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a song I love. Let me explain.

There have been times in my past when I thought of what my wedding day would look like. All little girls have done this, even some big girls! This is the song that I wanted to be sung as I walked down the aisle. To me, my husband would have felt the way about me, that Elvis sings in this beautiful ballad. I don't know if I can post the lyrics on this site without it being a copyright infringement, so I won't. Instead, I'll post a link to the site that has the lyrics, She by Elvis Costello for you to find.

I knew who I wanted to sing the song, in case I couldn't get Elvis to do it, I needed a backup plan. This song makes me smile when it comes on. But, as it continues, it also makes me sad. The reason is because I know I will never get married. I know I will never walk down the aisle while this is sung. I also know that I'll never have anyone who feels this way about me.

Not having a wedding, or being married, isn't such a big deal to me. I'm somewhat happy. Sort of self-sufficient. But, when I think of never having anyone to wake up with, or someone to come home to, someone I can always count on. That makes me sad. It makes me so very sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not tying my happiness up with a man. And, I don't think that a man will ensure my happiness. I just feel sort of pouty.

Why not me? Why shouldn't I have someone in my life? I have a great circle of friends to rely on. I know that any number of them would come running, if I needed. But, they will still go home to their wives and husbands. I just want someone to be my person. Is that so wrong?

Talk to me soon. xo

Lifelong friends

Hey ya'll! How are you guys doing today? I've been to a Christmas party tonight at an old friend of mine's house. We have been friends for most of my life. He and I became friends when I was in the 3rd grade. He is very special to me. I love him and would do anything for him. His wife is special to me too. She is great, very understanding and tolerant of our relationship. We do not have any romantic feelings for each other, and we never have.

There were a few people there tonight that I didn't know and I didn't realize the strange looks they kept giving to us. We were sitting on the couch. Sporadically, I would lay my head on his shoulder. He had his hand on my thigh. At some points, he would hold my hand, or lean over and kiss the top of my head. He had his arm around me when I got cold. Finally, one of the women I didn't know well turned to his wife. She had a WTF look on her face. Wifey started laughing and said "Oh, that's just them. They've always been very close. They've known each other since they were tiny." When I got there and when I went to leave, he kissed me and told me he loved me, as he hugged me bye.

This leads me to ask, do you have friends of the opposite sex? If so, are you that close? Do your significant others have any problems with this? Do you think this is wrong?

Talk to me soon, I hope you're having a good Saturday night.

Just call me Dr. Cupcake

Today, I had to have an exploratory surgery. This is the fifth surgery I have had in the last 14 months. It's getting tedious. At this point, I either own a wing of the hospital, or have an honorary MD. I'm going with the MD. So, from now on, you can just call me Dr. Cupcake. 

With each subsequent surgery, I'm getting more and more in debt. When I went in yesterday to see the doctor that ended up scheduling this procedure, I posed a question to him. I need to get your input on this, he thought I was insane. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take out the dispensable things still inside of me. My appendix, for example. I'm positive that as soon as January 1 hits, something big is going to blow up. It may not happen, but that is my luck. 

Or, they'll finally figure out what this pain in my right side is and have to cut me open again. I'm just sick and tired of being sick. And tired. I want to live a happy, healthy, normal life. I want to love, travel, be happy. I want what every other person wants. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that. But, I've given everything to everyone else in my life for so long, that maybe it's ok for me to be a bit selfish for a bit. 

Even as I type that, I know it won't happen. I have a nature that always puts my own needs last. I don't know why that is, but I am who I am. I can't change that. When I put my mind to something, I'm in all the way. I don't do anything halfway. So, if I know you need something, I'm going to get it. It doesn't matter if I have to spend my last dime on you, I will. Need me to drive four hours to pick you up from the airport? No problem. 

Nevertheless, I hope you are doing well and enjoying learning about me, one post at a time! Talk to me soon!