The end

Well, if you're keeping up, I wanted to full you in on the results from last night. He isn't willing to speak with me. He is still angry about the misinterpretation of my text. So, our friendship is over. 

I don't understand him wanting to throw away a friendship. I can understand if he wants to end the sexual nature of our relationship, but to throw away a true friendship? Those are so rare and valuable, to me anyway. I just don't understand why. This is going to be rough to get through. 

What would you do? Talk to me soon. 

How do I fix this?

Someone said to me today that if you follow your heart, you can't go wrong. I must disagree. I've been in an unusual situation recently. I had followed my heart, but it just got me into trouble. It wasn't a relationship in the conformist definition. It was more of an arrangement. We had a mutually beneficial plan. There is one aspect normally in a relationship that we were not getting from our respective relationships. He and I fulfilled that with each other. 

Now, we had a past, so there were emotions involved. It was a beautiful thing. It was clear cut, with no mistake what this was and what it wasn't. I loved having my friend as my lover. But, it was not going to become anything more. I know that. He knows that. 

Here's where it gets a bit fuzzy. He tells me it's ok to text him. Ok to tell him I love him. He wants to know what is going on in my life and for me to keep him informed about what is going on with me. But then, when I do these things, he gets angry with me. I don't understand. 

Now, he's so angry with me, he may never even speak to me again. There are so many things I still want to say. But our separate relationships make that difficult. 

Will he ever know that even though I love him, our friendship and platonic love is infinitely more important? Maybe he's secretly reading this and he will know my thoughts. Or, he has decided to cut me off completely and that decision is final. 

I'm so very hopeful that all is not lost. We had such a beautiful thing. I hope and pray it's not gone forever. Talk to me soon. Let me know what you're thinking. 

Texting, oh how I hate it!

Texting has to be the worst form of communication. We have leveraged ourselves to not having actual conversations with people. Now, we only text or use social media to get across what we are trying to say. I miss actually speaking with people. Mostly because a text can go so horribly wrong.

Take today for instance. I sent a text with an innocent, little sentence. The recipient took it to mean completely the opposite of what I meant and he proceeded to let me have it. As I tried to explain the context in which I meant this, he was not hearing any of my words. He was so angry about what he thought I meant, he wouldn't see what I actually meant. We went back and forth, in text, for quite some time. Finally, I just gave up and called him. Knowing he wouldn't answer, I left a message trying to explain where the miscommunication had came into play. He called me while I was leaving a message and I think I convinced him I did not mean what he thought I had said.

Now I want to ask you, have our smartphones truly made us an unsocial society? With all the social media rampant today, it seems ironic to ask, but what do you think? Social media gives us a platform to hide behind. We have all these cute cards to pin or share that we think says exactly what we are thinking, but saying it better than we could. We never express our own true feelings to a person, face to face. Or even in a conversation on the phone. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a conversation with a person on the phone. To me, that is sad. If we are friends, I want to talk to you, I want to be able to call you and tell you what is going on. I want to hear your voice, your laughter, your sadness. I don't want you to just send me a text. But, I'm in the minority on this. But, if that is the only way we have to communicate, I am going to text you. If I have a stupid, random thought that pops into my head and I want to tell you, I'll text you. If you are too busy to answer, then don't.

Yes, it is easier to just send a one or two word text to try to convey what we are feeling. I think that friendships and relationships are suffering because of this. I know I may have lost a friend today because of a text misunderstanding. That breaks my heart. Just know, that if I ever send you a text, there is no hidden meaning. The words mean exactly how they read. If I want a word emphasized, I'll put an * around it. No * means no emphasis on any word, got it?

I hope you've had a good day, let me know what you think. Talk to me soon.

What now?

Thanksgiving is over. All the food has been eaten, family has gone back to their homes. What do we do now? Scramble to get the perfect gift for that great someone in our lives? Getting the exact toy our nieces want? Wrap up money for the older ones? It's one big blur for the next month. But should we really be doing that?

Some people have problems with this time of year. They get depressed, anxious, nervous or any other anxiety known to man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not judging. I've gone through the entire gamut of anxiety disorders. At one point or another, I've been all of them. But, right now, I'm good. Things are all sunshine and roses. You believe me, right?

I am doing good. I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food to eat. The only thing that could make my life even better would be to have the one love of my life as more than my friend. But, that is not possible. Maybe one day, but right now, I'm thankful to have him in my life as my friend. Something is always better than nothing, don't you agree?

I am not where I thought I'd be at forty, but I am happy. Happy is always good, right? Talk to me soon! xoxo

Pre-Thanksgiving

Today is the day before Thanksgiving 2014. This has been quite a tumultuous year and we still have a month left! 

I've gone through heartbreak, elated joy, euphoria, sadness and every other emotion you could imagine. I've had four surgeries in the past 14 months. I've been scared more with each one that there will be a complication and I won't wake from anesthesia. I don't know why I have these feelings, my mom says it's because I'm a hypochondriac. I disagree. 

Yes, I'm a big baby. I don't handle pain well and I don't like being sick. Who does? I just don't deal well with conflict. The conflict within my body if I'm sick, or external conflict with another person. My motto is, can't we all just get along? 

Now, I do have one more tentative surgery that will have to happen at some point. I would prefer to have it this year, since all my insurance starts over in January, and it's be free! I've met all my costs. It's not on the taxpayer. Don't get all riled up about it! Please? Knowing my luck, I'll have to have emergency surgery on January 3. 

But, I just wanted to remind you to love your people with all your might. We never know when our last breath will be. And sometimes you aren't able to say what you really want, because your person may be gone in the blink of an eye. 

Talk to me soon. 

You've got the power!

Is like to think that I'm a strong enough person that I don't give anyone power over me. But, I'd be living in a fantasy. My doctors give advice and guide me into the medical decisions they feel I need to take. Even at 40 years old, my Mom still has power over me. She's very good with the guilt and passive aggressive manipulation. I allowed Schroeder to make all the decisions when it came to our relationship, even when it was time to end. There was also another force that played into that relationship that had a power and was able to dictate the demise of what happened. I won't go into details about that, but needless to say, I need to stop letting so many people have a controlling force in my life. 

They say that life is short. I find that a bit ironic, since it's the one thing that you'll do longer than anything else. When you're born, you start dying. Most people look at it the opposite way, you start living. But, it's just a means to an end. We are all going to die, unless you know something I don't! 

I have given a lot of weight to some decisions and they have not always panned out. Others, I don't even think about the outcome. I just get an idea in my head and I run with it, no matter the consequences. YOLO, right? Dear God, what am I, 23? I can't believe I just said YOLO, that has never came out of my mouth, or thumbs as it were. 

I don't say this out of a depression, or sadness. I just wonder if anyone else life is as controlled as mine. There are some aspects that I am able to say no, but not many. For instance, my Mom is convinced I need to start wearing makeup. I haven't worn that stuff since high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm a natural beauty. Nor am I saying that I'm better than anyone who does wear the stuff. I just feel like me without it on. Sure, there has been the odd day, here or there where I'd wear something. A wedding, funeral or gala. But even then, it was nothing more than some color on my lips and mascara to make my eyes pop. The most I wear now is some California Kissin by benefit. It's a clear gloss with mint built in. So, minty breath and it takes care of chapped lips! Bonus! And I normally only wear it in the winter. Who has chapped lips during the summer? 

I also stay out of the sun. No need to tempt fate. Melanoma is dangerous people! If you haven't done it lately, or ever, go get your moles checked. For me? Early detection is key. 

Alright, talk to me soon. I'm going to try and be better about giving away so much power. What are you doing? 

Can't we all just get along?

There are so many people in this world. We all have to coexist. As far as I'm aware, there's nowhere else for you to go. You may not like what your neighbor, co-workers, bosses, elected officials or even strangers are doing. But, those in power have just that. Power. Here in America, we live in a democracy. If you don't like something that is being done, change it. And by change it, I mean get another job, don't hang out with your neighbor. Vote. I don't care one bit for whom you cast your vote. All I care is that you voted. I will never ask you about your political affiliation or which way you cast your ballot. That is not my business. In return, I will never tell you my affiliation or for which candidates I cast my ballot.

There are so many other pressing issues that you can make a difference. That friend of yours that is always great, ask him or her how she really is. Chances are they aren't. Smiles hide a lot. Pain, Anxiety, Depression, Sadness and many other things. Now, I know that everyone gets into a funk at points in their lives and we all have spurts of this type of behavior. There are too many people who are struggling with these afflictions. Not all of them are lucky enough to be able to cope with things by using a therapist, or medicines. Some people feel that they can just talk to their friends, instead of a professional. I do encourage you to speak with your friends, but you do need to also need to seek solace from a professional. 

So, when you see someone who may or may not be struggling, give them some words of encouragement. A hug, or the offer of a listening ear. I have been a sounding board for so many people over the years and I hope that if I ever needed the same, I could get that in return. If I can give you one piece of advice that I've always lived by, I hope you will take this to heart. Whatever you do, give it your all. Hug like you mean it. Listen like it's your last conversation. Love like there is no tomorrow. Any advice you give, make sure it is solid advice. You never know when we will take our last breath, and I don't know about you, but that scares me. I want the people I love to know that I love them, to the end. I hope they do, but in case they don't, I remind them.

Now, you may call me melodramatic. Or sappy, or even insane. But, when you're in my circle, you're in for life. I have a lot of acquaintances, but only a handful of true friends. You'll see as you grow older that true friends are a very valued commodity. The 500 "friends" you have on Facebook or other social media may not even recognize you if you are both in the same aisle at Kroger. I know I've been guilty of that. But, my honest, true, core circle of friends that I have mean the world to me. But, no matter the level of friendship we have, if you ever need anything from me, you better believe I'm going to move Heaven and Earth to make it happen.

Talk to me soon...