Sunday, December 7, 2014

What's a girl to do

For most of my life, I have always done what is expected of me. Whatever my parents wanted me to do while I was under their roof, I obliged. That has spilled over into my adulthood as well. If someone asks me to do something, chances are I'm going to say yes. Whether it is something I want to do is irrelevant. 

Just once, I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to stand up and fight for what I want. Or who I want. I just want to be happy. Now don't get me wrong. My happiness is not contingent on another person. I know I am the only one who can make me happy. 

The problem is, I'm not making decisions that will ensure my happiness. I speak and act before I think. I make rash decisions that blow up in my face. You would think I would have learned my lesson by now and have stopped. But, I haven't. I've ruined some relationships with my hasty decisions. 

So, if I ever have a harsh word or react in a way that you may not like, please talk to me about it. I would hope you wouldn't sever ties completely with me. But, if you feel that's your only course of action, just know that I'm always here for you. Regardless of what has happened. 

J'adore mon ami! Talk to me soon. 

Saturday, December 6, 2014

Put on a happy face, or why I'm not hiding in the bed crying my eyes out then apologizing

A hundred times a day people ask me how I am. I would venture that 99% of them don't really care. They want me to say I'm good, ask them some pleasantries and move on. Just once, I'd like to tell someone how I really felt in that moment. But then they'd run off scared and never speak to me again. In some instances, that might be a good thing!

Why are we conditioned to do that though? Take this week, for example. This has been the most horrible week on record for me. Yes, I have this outlet to put my thoughts to the (proverbial) paper. I have had a smile plastered on my face for five days now. But what did I really want to do? Stay in bed with my head buried under a blanket crying my eyes out. In the morning when my alarm went off, my blanket felt like it weighed 30 pounds and it was too heavy to lift off me. I wanted to call in sick to work and not get out of my pajamas all day. But, I couldn't do that. I had to soldier on and put on my clothes, look cute and go out into public. I had to fraternize with the masses. Schmooze people to make a sale. Try to make a buck, so I'd be able to sustain myself.

Yes, it was as horrible as it sounds, but, I only have myself to blame. In case you don't know of what I'm speaking, read the posts from this week and you'll be caught up. But, I'm not letting it get the best of me. You can't keep a good man up, or something like that. The facade will crumble, my cracks will begin to show. It's like when they found the Wizard behind the curtain in Oz. My persona is going to be revealed eventually. Don't get me wrong, if you're really asking me how I am, I'm going to tell you. But, if you're some random person ringing up my groceries, someone I may have a conversation once a year on Facebook or a client, I'm not going to divulge my innermost thoughts to you.

In what I like to think of as "things you probably don't really want to know about me, but I'm going to tell you anyway," here's some more gems for you. I have a bad habit of apologizing. That sounds crazy right? Well, if you've had a bad day at work and you tell me about it, I'm going to say I'm sorry your day was bad. Even though I had nothing to do with why your day went bad. I guess it's my way of empathizing with you. It drives some people in my life mad that I apologize. I don't know how to respond to that. When you tell me something like you've had a bad day, you broke your arm, the shirt you wanted was sold out or anything else along those lines, how am I supposed to respond? No, I didn't break your arm in half or buy all the shirts you wanted, but I'm still sorry that you are going through that. It may seem inconsequential when I say I'm sorry, but I truly am.

I know that I had no part in whatever it is you are telling me about, but how else should I respond? I'm honestly asking. What do you think? It doesn't diminish my sorrow for your pain, anguish or frustration. But how do you want me to respond?

Well, this has truly been one of the most grueling weeks of my life. I'm hopeful that next week will be a bit better. I'll never get over the heartache I have from the events of this week, but I'm hopeful, with time, that I will be able to get back to a state of normalcy. Or, as normal as I've ever been?! I hope your weekend is all sunshine and purple hydrangeas! Talk to me soon, au revoir mon ami!

Thursday, December 4, 2014


It's that time of year again. Trying to find that perfect gift for everyone on your Christmas list. But how are we going to do that? Ask them what they want? Try to find it ourselves? Or are we going to just buy them what I would want?

Whichever way we go, it's going to be wrong. Either they'll change their mind or they won't like what I picked out. Sometimes, I think we should just skip the giftgiving, what about you?

I think that would be an incredible idea, to just skip the gifts. But, the kids would not understand. Don't give me wrong, I don't have any kids. But my niece and nephews would not have any of that. My biggest problem with them though they always wait till the last minute. And what they decided they want is the same thing every other teenager wants. So of course I can't find it.

So here I go to every online retailer I can think of every brick-and-mortar but no luck. I'll be even called friends out of town they were coming in to see if they can give me what I need. I can't be the only person that goes through this, am I? 

Talk to me soon. 

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Doors

I'm watching a documentary about The Doors. I love their music, but I'm not digging the movie. It isn't really telling me anything new. I would have learned all this information with watching the Val Kilmer movie about them. Luckily, I'm watching it at home and not wasting $12 to go see it. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all about supporting indie films. But it needs to engage me. Teach me something. Otherwise, it's a waste. 

Take the movie Boyhood for instance. That was three hours of my life I will never get back. That was the most overhyped movie in my opinion. It had a great concept and had plenty of potential. But, it fell flat. In a major way! There was no character development. I didn't know anything about any of the characters when the movie ended. Other than watching them age 12 years. 

Talk to me soon! I hope your day has been great! 

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The end

Well, if you're keeping up, I wanted to full you in on the results from last night. He isn't willing to speak with me. He is still angry about the misinterpretation of my text. So, our friendship is over. 

I don't understand him wanting to throw away a friendship. I can understand if he wants to end the sexual nature of our relationship, but to throw away a true friendship? Those are so rare and valuable, to me anyway. I just don't understand why. This is going to be rough to get through. 

What would you do? Talk to me soon. 

Monday, December 1, 2014

How do I fix this?

Someone said to me today that if you follow your heart, you can't go wrong. I must disagree. I've been in an unusual situation recently. I had followed my heart, but it just got me into trouble. It wasn't a relationship in the conformist definition. It was more of an arrangement. We had a mutually beneficial plan. There is one aspect normally in a relationship that we were not getting from our respective relationships. He and I fulfilled that with each other. 

Now, we had a past, so there were emotions involved. It was a beautiful thing. It was clear cut, with no mistake what this was and what it wasn't. I loved having my friend as my lover. But, it was not going to become anything more. I know that. He knows that. 

Here's where it gets a bit fuzzy. He tells me it's ok to text him. Ok to tell him I love him. He wants to know what is going on in my life and for me to keep him informed about what is going on with me. But then, when I do these things, he gets angry with me. I don't understand. 

Now, he's so angry with me, he may never even speak to me again. There are so many things I still want to say. But our separate relationships make that difficult. 

Will he ever know that even though I love him, our friendship and platonic love is infinitely more important? Maybe he's secretly reading this and he will know my thoughts. Or, he has decided to cut me off completely and that decision is final. 

I'm so very hopeful that all is not lost. We had such a beautiful thing. I hope and pray it's not gone forever. Talk to me soon. Let me know what you're thinking. 

Texting, oh how I hate it!

Texting has to be the worst form of communication. We have leveraged ourselves to not having actual conversations with people. Now, we only text or use social media to get across what we are trying to say. I miss actually speaking with people. Mostly because a text can go so horribly wrong.

Take today for instance. I sent a text with an innocent, little sentence. The recipient took it to mean completely the opposite of what I meant and he proceeded to let me have it. As I tried to explain the context in which I meant this, he was not hearing any of my words. He was so angry about what he thought I meant, he wouldn't see what I actually meant. We went back and forth, in text, for quite some time. Finally, I just gave up and called him. Knowing he wouldn't answer, I left a message trying to explain where the miscommunication had came into play. He called me while I was leaving a message and I think I convinced him I did not mean what he thought I had said.

Now I want to ask you, have our smartphones truly made us an unsocial society? With all the social media rampant today, it seems ironic to ask, but what do you think? Social media gives us a platform to hide behind. We have all these cute cards to pin or share that we think says exactly what we are thinking, but saying it better than we could. We never express our own true feelings to a person, face to face. Or even in a conversation on the phone. I couldn't tell you the last time I had a conversation with a person on the phone. To me, that is sad. If we are friends, I want to talk to you, I want to be able to call you and tell you what is going on. I want to hear your voice, your laughter, your sadness. I don't want you to just send me a text. But, I'm in the minority on this. But, if that is the only way we have to communicate, I am going to text you. If I have a stupid, random thought that pops into my head and I want to tell you, I'll text you. If you are too busy to answer, then don't.

Yes, it is easier to just send a one or two word text to try to convey what we are feeling. I think that friendships and relationships are suffering because of this. I know I may have lost a friend today because of a text misunderstanding. That breaks my heart. Just know, that if I ever send you a text, there is no hidden meaning. The words mean exactly how they read. If I want a word emphasized, I'll put an * around it. No * means no emphasis on any word, got it?

I hope you've had a good day, let me know what you think. Talk to me soon.