Lifelong friends

Hey ya'll! How are you guys doing today? I've been to a Christmas party tonight at an old friend of mine's house. We have been friends for most of my life. He and I became friends when I was in the 3rd grade. He is very special to me. I love him and would do anything for him. His wife is special to me too. She is great, very understanding and tolerant of our relationship. We do not have any romantic feelings for each other, and we never have.

There were a few people there tonight that I didn't know and I didn't realize the strange looks they kept giving to us. We were sitting on the couch. Sporadically, I would lay my head on his shoulder. He had his hand on my thigh. At some points, he would hold my hand, or lean over and kiss the top of my head. He had his arm around me when I got cold. Finally, one of the women I didn't know well turned to his wife. She had a WTF look on her face. Wifey started laughing and said "Oh, that's just them. They've always been very close. They've known each other since they were tiny." When I got there and when I went to leave, he kissed me and told me he loved me, as he hugged me bye.

This leads me to ask, do you have friends of the opposite sex? If so, are you that close? Do your significant others have any problems with this? Do you think this is wrong?

Talk to me soon, I hope you're having a good Saturday night.

Just call me Dr. Cupcake

Today, I had to have an exploratory surgery. This is the fifth surgery I have had in the last 14 months. It's getting tedious. At this point, I either own a wing of the hospital, or have an honorary MD. I'm going with the MD. So, from now on, you can just call me Dr. Cupcake. 

With each subsequent surgery, I'm getting more and more in debt. When I went in yesterday to see the doctor that ended up scheduling this procedure, I posed a question to him. I need to get your input on this, he thought I was insane. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take out the dispensable things still inside of me. My appendix, for example. I'm positive that as soon as January 1 hits, something big is going to blow up. It may not happen, but that is my luck. 

Or, they'll finally figure out what this pain in my right side is and have to cut me open again. I'm just sick and tired of being sick. And tired. I want to live a happy, healthy, normal life. I want to love, travel, be happy. I want what every other person wants. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that. But, I've given everything to everyone else in my life for so long, that maybe it's ok for me to be a bit selfish for a bit. 

Even as I type that, I know it won't happen. I have a nature that always puts my own needs last. I don't know why that is, but I am who I am. I can't change that. When I put my mind to something, I'm in all the way. I don't do anything halfway. So, if I know you need something, I'm going to get it. It doesn't matter if I have to spend my last dime on you, I will. Need me to drive four hours to pick you up from the airport? No problem. 

Nevertheless, I hope you are doing well and enjoying learning about me, one post at a time! Talk to me soon! 

How I got a black eye and Trypanophobia

This is a long, winding road to get to the point! Stay with me, you'll want to see what happens in the end.

I had to go today and have 35 injections in my head. (This is relevant, I promise, stay with me.) I was in a car accident when I was 16 and in a coma for a couple weeks. I've had problems with migraines and headaches since then. The injections are the last resort to try and help curb these pesky migraines. In all honesty, I'm down to 2-3 a month instead of 5-10. So, I consider this a win. I still have headaches on a daily basis, but I've learned to live with that.

I hate needles. With a passion. It's one of the very few things in life I can honestly say I hate. I get all panicky and start to hyperventilate if I see a needle coming at me. Or, one stuck in me, like an IV. There have been many times where I've passed out while they were taking my blood or trying to inject me with something. I pray daily that I never become an insulin dependent diabetic. If you are, you are one brave cookie! In light of my phobia of needles, or Trypanophobia, my neurologist has prescribed Valium for me to take before I come in for the injections. Now, I only go every three months and he writes the script for 4 pills. So, I'm not going to become a junkie, in case you were going to lecture me.

My appointment today was supposed to be Tuesday originally, so I had already taken the allotment of Valium for this appointment on Tuesday. The appointment had to be rescheduled at the last minute, so I didn't have anything to take today to calm me down. As I was telling Schroeder this, he said I should just suck it up and quit being such a loser. (Not his exact words, but the basic sentiment.)

I go in today, get my injections and it was horrible. I didn't pass out, but when I walked out of the office and to the desk to schedule my next appointment, a teenage girl and her mom kept starting at me. I was crying and my face was all red and blotchy from having to sit through that myself. The teenager's eyes were so big, I thought they would pop out of her head! I made my appointment and checked out. They were doing the same at the terminal next to me. I walked to the elevator, still crying. When I got on, the same teenager and mom had turned the corner and went down the elevator with me. I'm sobbing. It was quite the scene. As we all got out in the lobby, the mom put her hand on my shoulder and said "we'll pray for you." I looked at her and was able to squeak out "thank you."

In hindsight, me freaking out, sobbing and inconsolable, leaving a neurologist's office, I'm pretty sure they're praying for my brain cancer to heal. Luckily, I don't have brain cancer, it was just the medicinal injections that were making me cry. But, on the plus side, someone is praying for me tonight!

Now, to get to what happened after the appointment. Apparently, my sarcasm doesn't translate well to someone who hasn't been around me for a long time. I had something happen today that has not happened in a very long time. I'm hopeful you'll be as surprised as me. Maybe I had it coming? Or, I deserved it? You tell me.

Since the whole romantic thing with Schroeder ended, I haven't wanted to try to go out with anyone else. He and I are still friends, so we talk and text. You might think that is strange, but I do love him. If all we are destined to be is friends, that doesn't change my love for him, so I'm thankful to have him in my life in whatever capacity I am able to have him.

There were a couple guys I was casually seeing before S and I got back together. They are both still texting or calling me to try to get back together, but I truly felt nothing but friendship for either of them. I have explained, ad nauseam, to both of them that I have no romantic feelings for either. They think they can change my mind, but, when it's not there, it is just not there. I don't think it would be fair to go out with either of these guys when I know their feelings are deeper than that for me. They disagree, they think they can change my mind.

Instead, I agreed to go on a blind date. I've gone out with this guy Brian three times. I was still trying to feel him out (metaphorically, not physically) and see if this was going to be something I wanted to continue to pursue. Normally, by the third or fourth date, I know. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes I know right away. My initial thoughts were this, he seemed nice enough. He called to check on me, or sent me messages just to say hi because he was thinking of me. I was beginning to think that maybe this could turn into something. But, I'm still cautious. I have had my heart in a locked chamber for so long before S that I didn't know if I really wanted to let someone else in. I felt that when S and I ended the romantic part of our relationship, I would never let anyone else into my heart. I've got it locked up and it has a very thick wall around it. With a moat.

Let me tell you what happened today. After I left the neurologist office, Brian texted me and asked me to stop by his place. Since I hadn't taken anything, I was driving myself, so I went by there. We were talking, laughing and he was trying to get me in a better mood since I was still upset about the injections. We were talking about something that happened to him at work yesterday. He said something about a co-worker insulting him about a mistake he made at work and I came back with a witty retort. He spun around and looked at me with fire and fury in his eyes and asked "what did you say?" So I repeated it "I don't make mistakes, I date them." I was only trying to be funny because that's who I am. As he was walking toward me, I told him I was just trying to be funny.

The next thing I know, I'm flat on the ground. He punched me. He told me to get out of his place and never come back. Luckily, he only hit me once. But, once is still one too many. Now I am probably going to have a beautiful black eye. What do you think? Is he in the right here? Are we both to blame? Talk to me soon.

Did he really just ask that?

So, I went in today on a job interview. It was for a part-time job, if you're keeping up, you know I'm trying to find a way to supplement my income. Turns out, my full-time job is going away, so I'm trying to save every penny I'm able. I had a nice little savings in place, but in the last 14 months, I've had four surgeries and that has wiped me out. What's even worse, is that in wiping me out, it didn't even pay all my bills! Oh well, that's what I get for being an adult.

Anyway, back to the point. One question he asked me was if I had a gun permit. Funny enough, I got that a couple months ago. I'm just trying to get the money together to send it into the state to become fully licensed. So, I told him yes, I did have one. He said good, you'll have to bring your own gun into work with you during your shift, is that a problem? Now, I haven't bought/borrowed/obtained a firearm yet, so yes, that would be a problem. He said that I could come into work without it, but he did not recommend that. Apparently they get robbed a lot. And the robbers are normally armed.

We continued on with the interview. He told me he liked me and he felt good about it, but he still had others to interview. He is supposed to call me within the week. After leaving the location and coming home, I began to think about the whole interaction. Do I really want to work somewhere that I would need a gun? Do I really think it's a good idea to go into said location without a firearm? Do I want to have a gun pulled in my face so I can make $9 an hour?

Chances are, they are going to hire a man for this, I assume. Not to be sexist, but, I would be left there alone and working at night, in a place I may or may not need a gun would make me a bit uneasy. But, a girl's gotta make a living, huh?

I hope you're doing well, talk to me soon. xo

What would happen?

Do you ever wonder what would happen if you just disappeared? I've been contemplating that a lot lately. If I just vanished, would anyone really notice? I mean sure, all my frenemies would act like they cared, for a day or two. But once the next hot piece of gossip hit, they'd forget about me. 

My mom would be upset, but the rest of my family, I'm not so sure. My true friends would be upset for a week, maybe two, before it started to fade. It all just makes me wonder what's the point? 

I try to do the right thing. I'm nice, I volunteer, I give to others. I put myself last in every situation. But where does that get me? Don't get me wrong, I don't do things expecting anything in return. Ever. I do them out of the goodness of my heart and from an honest place. But sometimes I wonder, when is someone going to do something for me?! 

This sounds pious and self-righteous. I really don't mean it to be. I mean, if I were a Muslim, the scales on my good deeds would far exceed any wrongdoing in my life. But, I'm not, so I don't have to worry about that particular judgement. 

Flowers for no reason, a call just to say I love you, someone missing me so much they can't wait another moment to hold me in their arms, those are the things I crave. And miss. Don't misinterpret me, I'm not whining. At this point in my life, my biggest problem is wondering how I'm going to pay the bills each month. (Or, to be honest, which bills will get paid that month.) No one is currently beating me. I don't have any kids to worry about. I don't have anyone who belittles or berates me on a daily basis. (Just every so often, and I chalk that up to problems in that persons life.) 

Maybe I'm selfish, but I just want to be happy. Genuinely, happy. Is that too much to ask? 

Talk to me soon, Mon'Amis.

Second chances

There is so much negativity in this world, we need to all look at the bigger picture. Not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow. There are so many things that happen that seem like the end of the world at the time. We just need to take a step back and analyze what really happened. That person may be having the worst day of their life. They may be lashing out at you just because you are there. 

In reality, most conflict between people are not really between those two. It's an internal conflict with the person who picked the fight. I normally just let things roll off my back. If someone says truly hurtful things to me (which happens more than you'd think) I don't let them see my hurt. Yes, your words and actions do hurt me. I am a very sensitive person. But, I will only let those emotions come out in private.

Whatever your friend, lover, boy/girlfriend or spouse is going through, my feelings are minuscule in comparison. I will be over it quickly. But, your feelings may not heal for some time. I don't want to compound the situation with me lashing back to you. 

So, the moral of the story is that you should forgive and forget. Holding onto things to throw back into your partners face is only toxic. It will not lead anywhere I want to go. But, I may be an anomaly. 

I hope you're doing well and enjoy my ramblings. If not, let me know. We will still be pals! Talk to me soon! 

A new job?

It's no secret that I am unhappy in my current position. Today a list came out with a list of offices that will close next quarter. While I should be happy to have a job, I am hopeful that when I get the courage to open that e-mail tomorrow, I will have some clarity. 

If it turns out that we are closing, it will be good for me, physically and emotionally. Financially is another story. I am currently living paycheck to paycheck. It isn't cool. I am currently drowning in debt, I have so much that I should be thankful for, but I spent so many years living beyond my means. I am trying to dig my way out, but it isn't easy. It seems as if there is no end in sight. 

I've applied for so many part-time jobs, but I keep hearing the same thing. You're too qualified. You'll be bored. You won't be here for the long haul. Why won't you people give me a chance?! Seriously, I just want to be a bartender. It's my lifelong goal, I promise I'll stick around! 

How do you manage when you're in over your head? Talk to me soon! xo