Why bother?

I'm writing and writing, pouring out my deepest and darkest secrets. Is anyone reading this? Am I talking to an imaginary audience? Does anyone even care? If I stopped, would you notice? I'm only asking because I don't know if this is still a good medium for me. If you are reading, are you entertained? Do you like what I have to say? Are you sick of me? Talk to me. Tell me what you want to hear. I'm happy to have an open dialog, but, I'm not heating a peep from you. 

Let me know what you think. Should I boyher? Talk to me soon. xoxo Cupcake 

Hugs, love and everything else

Today, I needed a hug. A real hug, from someone who loves me. Someone who hugs like they mean it. But, I didn't get one. Yes, I've seen friends and family today. I've gotten the half-hearted hug. You know the one I mean. It feels like they are only hugging you because they have to. I despise those hugs. If that's all the effort you're going to put into it, don't bother. 

It is Christmas Eve. Today would have been my Daddy's 69th birthday. In a couple of weeks, it will be the ten year anniversary of his death. Most people love this time of year. For me, it just brings up remorse, sadness, loneliness and grief. If I could just go away somewhere from December 15-January 20th, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Everyone else has gone on about their business. Getting married, having babies, getting divorced, as if nothing has happened. If no one mentions it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to resolve these feelings. What can I do? 

I try to find a nice fella to date, he hits me. I reconnect with my first love, only for that to not work either. Yes, we are still friends, but S will never be anything more than my friend. He's made that clear. I would rather have him in my life than not, so I'm grateful for his friendship. 

As for me being single, I'm beginning to think that the only plausible conclusion is that I don't deserve to be loved. Now, I'm not saying that for you to perceive it as a cry for help. Maybe I've done too many wrong things in my past. When you weigh the good against the bad, maybe the bad side wins? People keep telling me I've just not met "him" yet. I'll let you in on a secret, I have met "him" but once I realized it, it was too late. 

So, tell me what you think? The good, bad, ugly or indifferent. If love to hear your thoughts. Do you believe that there is only one true love for each of us? 

Talk to me soon, and Merry Everything! 

Elvis Costello

Have you ever heard the song She by Elvis Costello? If I had to pick, I would say it is my favorite song. It is such a beautiful song. It makes me very happy and sad at the same time. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a song I love. Let me explain.

There have been times in my past when I thought of what my wedding day would look like. All little girls have done this, even some big girls! This is the song that I wanted to be sung as I walked down the aisle. To me, my husband would have felt the way about me, that Elvis sings in this beautiful ballad. I don't know if I can post the lyrics on this site without it being a copyright infringement, so I won't. Instead, I'll post a link to the site that has the lyrics, She by Elvis Costello for you to find.

I knew who I wanted to sing the song, in case I couldn't get Elvis to do it, I needed a backup plan. This song makes me smile when it comes on. But, as it continues, it also makes me sad. The reason is because I know I will never get married. I know I will never walk down the aisle while this is sung. I also know that I'll never have anyone who feels this way about me.

Not having a wedding, or being married, isn't such a big deal to me. I'm somewhat happy. Sort of self-sufficient. But, when I think of never having anyone to wake up with, or someone to come home to, someone I can always count on. That makes me sad. It makes me so very sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not tying my happiness up with a man. And, I don't think that a man will ensure my happiness. I just feel sort of pouty.

Why not me? Why shouldn't I have someone in my life? I have a great circle of friends to rely on. I know that any number of them would come running, if I needed. But, they will still go home to their wives and husbands. I just want someone to be my person. Is that so wrong?

Talk to me soon. xo

Lifelong friends

Hey ya'll! How are you guys doing today? I've been to a Christmas party tonight at an old friend of mine's house. We have been friends for most of my life. He and I became friends when I was in the 3rd grade. He is very special to me. I love him and would do anything for him. His wife is special to me too. She is great, very understanding and tolerant of our relationship. We do not have any romantic feelings for each other, and we never have.

There were a few people there tonight that I didn't know and I didn't realize the strange looks they kept giving to us. We were sitting on the couch. Sporadically, I would lay my head on his shoulder. He had his hand on my thigh. At some points, he would hold my hand, or lean over and kiss the top of my head. He had his arm around me when I got cold. Finally, one of the women I didn't know well turned to his wife. She had a WTF look on her face. Wifey started laughing and said "Oh, that's just them. They've always been very close. They've known each other since they were tiny." When I got there and when I went to leave, he kissed me and told me he loved me, as he hugged me bye.

This leads me to ask, do you have friends of the opposite sex? If so, are you that close? Do your significant others have any problems with this? Do you think this is wrong?

Talk to me soon, I hope you're having a good Saturday night.

Just call me Dr. Cupcake

Today, I had to have an exploratory surgery. This is the fifth surgery I have had in the last 14 months. It's getting tedious. At this point, I either own a wing of the hospital, or have an honorary MD. I'm going with the MD. So, from now on, you can just call me Dr. Cupcake. 

With each subsequent surgery, I'm getting more and more in debt. When I went in yesterday to see the doctor that ended up scheduling this procedure, I posed a question to him. I need to get your input on this, he thought I was insane. I asked him if he would just go ahead and take out the dispensable things still inside of me. My appendix, for example. I'm positive that as soon as January 1 hits, something big is going to blow up. It may not happen, but that is my luck. 

Or, they'll finally figure out what this pain in my right side is and have to cut me open again. I'm just sick and tired of being sick. And tired. I want to live a happy, healthy, normal life. I want to love, travel, be happy. I want what every other person wants. Maybe I'm selfish for wanting that. But, I've given everything to everyone else in my life for so long, that maybe it's ok for me to be a bit selfish for a bit. 

Even as I type that, I know it won't happen. I have a nature that always puts my own needs last. I don't know why that is, but I am who I am. I can't change that. When I put my mind to something, I'm in all the way. I don't do anything halfway. So, if I know you need something, I'm going to get it. It doesn't matter if I have to spend my last dime on you, I will. Need me to drive four hours to pick you up from the airport? No problem. 

Nevertheless, I hope you are doing well and enjoying learning about me, one post at a time! Talk to me soon! 

How I got a black eye and Trypanophobia

This is a long, winding road to get to the point! Stay with me, you'll want to see what happens in the end.

I had to go today and have 35 injections in my head. (This is relevant, I promise, stay with me.) I was in a car accident when I was 16 and in a coma for a couple weeks. I've had problems with migraines and headaches since then. The injections are the last resort to try and help curb these pesky migraines. In all honesty, I'm down to 2-3 a month instead of 5-10. So, I consider this a win. I still have headaches on a daily basis, but I've learned to live with that.

I hate needles. With a passion. It's one of the very few things in life I can honestly say I hate. I get all panicky and start to hyperventilate if I see a needle coming at me. Or, one stuck in me, like an IV. There have been many times where I've passed out while they were taking my blood or trying to inject me with something. I pray daily that I never become an insulin dependent diabetic. If you are, you are one brave cookie! In light of my phobia of needles, or Trypanophobia, my neurologist has prescribed Valium for me to take before I come in for the injections. Now, I only go every three months and he writes the script for 4 pills. So, I'm not going to become a junkie, in case you were going to lecture me.

My appointment today was supposed to be Tuesday originally, so I had already taken the allotment of Valium for this appointment on Tuesday. The appointment had to be rescheduled at the last minute, so I didn't have anything to take today to calm me down. As I was telling Schroeder this, he said I should just suck it up and quit being such a loser. (Not his exact words, but the basic sentiment.)

I go in today, get my injections and it was horrible. I didn't pass out, but when I walked out of the office and to the desk to schedule my next appointment, a teenage girl and her mom kept starting at me. I was crying and my face was all red and blotchy from having to sit through that myself. The teenager's eyes were so big, I thought they would pop out of her head! I made my appointment and checked out. They were doing the same at the terminal next to me. I walked to the elevator, still crying. When I got on, the same teenager and mom had turned the corner and went down the elevator with me. I'm sobbing. It was quite the scene. As we all got out in the lobby, the mom put her hand on my shoulder and said "we'll pray for you." I looked at her and was able to squeak out "thank you."

In hindsight, me freaking out, sobbing and inconsolable, leaving a neurologist's office, I'm pretty sure they're praying for my brain cancer to heal. Luckily, I don't have brain cancer, it was just the medicinal injections that were making me cry. But, on the plus side, someone is praying for me tonight!

Now, to get to what happened after the appointment. Apparently, my sarcasm doesn't translate well to someone who hasn't been around me for a long time. I had something happen today that has not happened in a very long time. I'm hopeful you'll be as surprised as me. Maybe I had it coming? Or, I deserved it? You tell me.

Since the whole romantic thing with Schroeder ended, I haven't wanted to try to go out with anyone else. He and I are still friends, so we talk and text. You might think that is strange, but I do love him. If all we are destined to be is friends, that doesn't change my love for him, so I'm thankful to have him in my life in whatever capacity I am able to have him.

There were a couple guys I was casually seeing before S and I got back together. They are both still texting or calling me to try to get back together, but I truly felt nothing but friendship for either of them. I have explained, ad nauseam, to both of them that I have no romantic feelings for either. They think they can change my mind, but, when it's not there, it is just not there. I don't think it would be fair to go out with either of these guys when I know their feelings are deeper than that for me. They disagree, they think they can change my mind.

Instead, I agreed to go on a blind date. I've gone out with this guy Brian three times. I was still trying to feel him out (metaphorically, not physically) and see if this was going to be something I wanted to continue to pursue. Normally, by the third or fourth date, I know. Sometimes it takes longer, and sometimes I know right away. My initial thoughts were this, he seemed nice enough. He called to check on me, or sent me messages just to say hi because he was thinking of me. I was beginning to think that maybe this could turn into something. But, I'm still cautious. I have had my heart in a locked chamber for so long before S that I didn't know if I really wanted to let someone else in. I felt that when S and I ended the romantic part of our relationship, I would never let anyone else into my heart. I've got it locked up and it has a very thick wall around it. With a moat.

Let me tell you what happened today. After I left the neurologist office, Brian texted me and asked me to stop by his place. Since I hadn't taken anything, I was driving myself, so I went by there. We were talking, laughing and he was trying to get me in a better mood since I was still upset about the injections. We were talking about something that happened to him at work yesterday. He said something about a co-worker insulting him about a mistake he made at work and I came back with a witty retort. He spun around and looked at me with fire and fury in his eyes and asked "what did you say?" So I repeated it "I don't make mistakes, I date them." I was only trying to be funny because that's who I am. As he was walking toward me, I told him I was just trying to be funny.

The next thing I know, I'm flat on the ground. He punched me. He told me to get out of his place and never come back. Luckily, he only hit me once. But, once is still one too many. Now I am probably going to have a beautiful black eye. What do you think? Is he in the right here? Are we both to blame? Talk to me soon.

Did he really just ask that?

So, I went in today on a job interview. It was for a part-time job, if you're keeping up, you know I'm trying to find a way to supplement my income. Turns out, my full-time job is going away, so I'm trying to save every penny I'm able. I had a nice little savings in place, but in the last 14 months, I've had four surgeries and that has wiped me out. What's even worse, is that in wiping me out, it didn't even pay all my bills! Oh well, that's what I get for being an adult.

Anyway, back to the point. One question he asked me was if I had a gun permit. Funny enough, I got that a couple months ago. I'm just trying to get the money together to send it into the state to become fully licensed. So, I told him yes, I did have one. He said good, you'll have to bring your own gun into work with you during your shift, is that a problem? Now, I haven't bought/borrowed/obtained a firearm yet, so yes, that would be a problem. He said that I could come into work without it, but he did not recommend that. Apparently they get robbed a lot. And the robbers are normally armed.

We continued on with the interview. He told me he liked me and he felt good about it, but he still had others to interview. He is supposed to call me within the week. After leaving the location and coming home, I began to think about the whole interaction. Do I really want to work somewhere that I would need a gun? Do I really think it's a good idea to go into said location without a firearm? Do I want to have a gun pulled in my face so I can make $9 an hour?

Chances are, they are going to hire a man for this, I assume. Not to be sexist, but, I would be left there alone and working at night, in a place I may or may not need a gun would make me a bit uneasy. But, a girl's gotta make a living, huh?

I hope you're doing well, talk to me soon. xo