Wednesday, December 31, 2014


It's that time of year again. People are making plans, spouting off public declarations. Saying that they are going to be (insert anything here) this next year. New year, new beginning...blah, blah, blah. It's all just a bunch of hogwash. We tell each other these things to feel better about ourselves. But, in all honesty, nothing will change. Trust me on this. Whether your resolution is to lose weight, be nicer, work out more, whatever it is, chances are that by January 30, all resolutions are going to be long forgotten.

That's why I am approaching this in a different manner. I resolve to be a better person next year. I will be more present in my life and that of the ones I love and care about. If you need me, I'll be there. When we say we need to get together, it won't just be an empty statement. Too much time has gone by without me seeing those that I love. As I get older, I lose more people. We all do. Death is the only certainty we have in this life. I don't want to be on my deathbed wishing I had seen the people I love more.

In addition to being more present, I resolve to continue my journey to health. I have lost a lot of weight in the last 18 months. I have been eating healthier, exercising and trying to get myself to the place I want to be. I switched trainers and am doing a new regimen now. So, I think I'm back on a good path. I have been going to the gym at least once per day. In this next year, I hope to continue this track record of going daily.

Now, I also hope to get to a place in my job that will make me happy. There are a couple of startups that I'm thinking about going into. It is scary to think of branching out on my own. Especially since I would be solely responsible for these endeavors. But, I have a couple of ideas about companies that may be exactly what I need. If not, I will land where I'm supposed to be. If that's working for myself, then that would be fantastic. If it is working a corporate gig, that's ok too. I just need some guidance and the one source I have to talk about this, well, he isn't really speaking to me right now.

So, I'm in a state of unrest going into this new year, but, I'm ok with that. I hope you talk to me soon and that I haven't rained on your parade of tonight. xo

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

You would think I'd learn

There are so many lessons to learn in life. If we are lucky, we never stop learning. I try to learn something every day. Today, I started to work with a new personal trainer. I learned how to work with some new machines. And, how to properly use the ones I was using incorrectly!

One lesson I have not learned is to not go on blind dates. I have not had a lot of luck with them. Either the boy is mean, indifferent or just not compatible with me. Normally, there is only one date. Sometimes, we get along and a 2nd or 3rd date comes about. We talk about how we met, our mutual friends that may have set us up, or whatever we have in common.

What normally happens is that one of us gets bored. Either he wants it to progress farther than I want it to at this point, or we realize that we are going nowhere. If you're keeping up, you know that I got hit by a fella recently. That was a blind date. So, I guess I can add getting punched to the list of why my blind relationships don't work!

I'm not like most people. If everyone is going right, I'll go left. Sometimes the other path leads to the best surprises. A lot of people are very free with sex. I'm not saying that I have inhibitions or am a prude, but I think that sex just for the sake of having sex isn't worth it. Don't get me wrong, I have needs just like the next girl, and I'm no virgin. But, I'm not going to have sex with someone unless I have true feelings for him.

Now, I'm not saying my way is right. Or that I will always feel this way. But, I've felt this way for quite a while now. I know that kids these days are having sex with any and everything that isn't nailed down. I'm sure there are teenagers who have had more sexual partners than I have. What do you think?

Talk to me soon, xo.

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Big Eyes

I have a friend in from out of town and we went to dinner and a movie tonight. She and I got to catch up and have some fun. We only get together a couple times each year and that is bad. With work, family, and other commitments, we don't get to see each other as much as we would like.

Tonight we had some yummy Mexican food, then went to see the movie Big Eyes. Have you seen it yet? If not, go see it now. It's really funny, enlightening, sad, heartbreaking, and I could keep going on! It goes right through the entire emotional roller coaster of emotions. I love movies like this that make me think.

I won't ruin the whole movie for you, but any review you read will tell you this part. The female lead is made to submit to her husband with her art. It made me think about the way marriages are today versus back in the 1960's.

Back then, women didn't really have a say in things, from what I've learned in books and movies. Sometimes, I think about how far our society has come and wonder. Are all these changes good? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for women having a voice and being able to do and say what they want. I just think that we have become a disposable society. Be it a boyfriend, marriage, job, or even something small, like clothing. Everything is replaceable.

Are we all looking for the next "bigger, better thing?" Talk to me soon, I'm here for you! xo

Friday, December 26, 2014

Decisions, decisions

Whether we realize it or not, everything we do has a ripple effect. Each and every decision we make, be it little or small, is going to alter our future. Now, it may not have a noticeable effect at the moment, but somewhere down the line, it will hit you. Or, you may not ever think of that moment again.

I've been evaluating my life lately. Call it what you will, self-realization, reflection, a mid-life crisis, or remorse. There were so many minute details that I either tossed away, ignored or felt like they didn't matter. As I'm finding out now, they made a huge change in my life.

There was one job I had, about 8 years ago. I really liked the job, I just didn't care for the location. So, I resigned. There were other factors in my resignation, but when it comes down to it, I needed to come home to "recharge" and grieve a loss. At the time, I thought it was exactly what I needed. Now, on one hand, I realize it was the dumbest thing I could have done. On the other, it was the right decision.

I just wish I had all the answers. I know it would make life a bit boring, but, knowing where and when we were supposed to do things would make life so much simpler.

I hope you're doing well. Talk to me soon, mon'Amis!

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Why bother?

I'm writing and writing, pouring out my deepest and darkest secrets. Is anyone reading this? Am I talking to an imaginary audience? Does anyone even care? If I stopped, would you notice? I'm only asking because I don't know if this is still a good medium for me. If you are reading, are you entertained? Do you like what I have to say? Are you sick of me? Talk to me. Tell me what you want to hear. I'm happy to have an open dialog, but, I'm not heating a peep from you. 

Let me know what you think. Should I boyher? Talk to me soon. xoxo Cupcake 

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Hugs, love and everything else

Today, I needed a hug. A real hug, from someone who loves me. Someone who hugs like they mean it. But, I didn't get one. Yes, I've seen friends and family today. I've gotten the half-hearted hug. You know the one I mean. It feels like they are only hugging you because they have to. I despise those hugs. If that's all the effort you're going to put into it, don't bother. 

It is Christmas Eve. Today would have been my Daddy's 69th birthday. In a couple of weeks, it will be the ten year anniversary of his death. Most people love this time of year. For me, it just brings up remorse, sadness, loneliness and grief. If I could just go away somewhere from December 15-January 20th, I would. In a heartbeat. 

Everyone else has gone on about their business. Getting married, having babies, getting divorced, as if nothing has happened. If no one mentions it, we don't have to deal with it, right? Wrong. I've been in and out of therapy for years trying to resolve these feelings. What can I do? 

I try to find a nice fella to date, he hits me. I reconnect with my first love, only for that to not work either. Yes, we are still friends, but S will never be anything more than my friend. He's made that clear. I would rather have him in my life than not, so I'm grateful for his friendship. 

As for me being single, I'm beginning to think that the only plausible conclusion is that I don't deserve to be loved. Now, I'm not saying that for you to perceive it as a cry for help. Maybe I've done too many wrong things in my past. When you weigh the good against the bad, maybe the bad side wins? People keep telling me I've just not met "him" yet. I'll let you in on a secret, I have met "him" but once I realized it, it was too late. 

So, tell me what you think? The good, bad, ugly or indifferent. If love to hear your thoughts. Do you believe that there is only one true love for each of us? 

Talk to me soon, and Merry Everything! 

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Elvis Costello

Have you ever heard the song She by Elvis Costello? If I had to pick, I would say it is my favorite song. It is such a beautiful song. It makes me very happy and sad at the same time. That sounds like a strange thing to say about a song I love. Let me explain.

There have been times in my past when I thought of what my wedding day would look like. All little girls have done this, even some big girls! This is the song that I wanted to be sung as I walked down the aisle. To me, my husband would have felt the way about me, that Elvis sings in this beautiful ballad. I don't know if I can post the lyrics on this site without it being a copyright infringement, so I won't. Instead, I'll post a link to the site that has the lyrics, She by Elvis Costello for you to find.

I knew who I wanted to sing the song, in case I couldn't get Elvis to do it, I needed a backup plan. This song makes me smile when it comes on. But, as it continues, it also makes me sad. The reason is because I know I will never get married. I know I will never walk down the aisle while this is sung. I also know that I'll never have anyone who feels this way about me.

Not having a wedding, or being married, isn't such a big deal to me. I'm somewhat happy. Sort of self-sufficient. But, when I think of never having anyone to wake up with, or someone to come home to, someone I can always count on. That makes me sad. It makes me so very sad. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not tying my happiness up with a man. And, I don't think that a man will ensure my happiness. I just feel sort of pouty.

Why not me? Why shouldn't I have someone in my life? I have a great circle of friends to rely on. I know that any number of them would come running, if I needed. But, they will still go home to their wives and husbands. I just want someone to be my person. Is that so wrong?

Talk to me soon. xo