Monday, March 30, 2015

What's the point

So, I've been on a high for the last week. Not high on drugs, I don't do those. But, high on life. I just got back from the most amazing trip and it was first-class all the way. It was something I had won from work and there were about 300 other people on this journey as well.

We were able to take someone with us and since I don't have a husband, or a serious boyfriend, I took one of my friends. She and I had such a good time. Meeting new people, doing new things, visiting places we had never been before. It was magnificent.

Getting home was a bit of a nightmare, there were mechanical issues, plane delays, waiting in line for five hours to get rebooked, diversions to unscheduled layover airports and the list goes on. It took 19 hours for a flight that should have taken 2 1/2.

The airline did comp a room for me when I finally arrived in Dallas, but it was a hotel that I was actually afraid to stay in by myself. Thanks American Airlines! So, I had to then go find another hotel that could accommodate me for the evening. That was an adventure.

I finally get home and my emotions are running amok. I'm not sure why. Since I've been home, I am almost positive that I have ruined a friendship of more than 20 years. I asked a few questions, they were misconstrued and some things were inferred incorrectly. So, now I've lost one of my best friends.

Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you could just crawl into bed? I am right now. I wish I could call the man who loves me more than anything to come pull me tight and tell me everything will be ok. I just need to find this man. Or, come to the realization that he does not exist and give it all up.

Some days I just need a hug and for someone to truly mean it.

Saturday, February 7, 2015


Yesterday I received a text from someone I thought I had a friendship. He told me that it was painful to talk with or text me. He said I should think of him as dead. He wanted me to cut off all communication. I told him that I respected him enough that I will do as he wishes, but if he ever needed me or wanted to talk, I would be there. He responded that he would never need me.

In the moment, I was hurt. I even shed a couple of tears. It made me very angry after I got over the initial shock. I realized that all this man has done is hurt me. He's been quite nasty to me at times but very sweet at other times. The ups and downs of our friendship were very rough for me, at one point, we were romantically involved. That part of our relationship ended and all we were left with were the friendship.

He has blamed me for all his failed romantic relationships. He claims I am the reason he acts the way he does. I am not the reason for his pain. If he has reconciled in his mind that I am the genesis of all the pain he has endured during his lifetime, that is not on me. I know that. I just wish he would realize I am not the true cause.

But, now I no longer have to endure his wrath. I hope that one day we are able to be friends again, but until then, I'll just have to hope that whatever the true demons living in him are able to be exorcised.

Then again...maybe I am a demon. Talk to me soon, xo.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The Goat Farmer

Yes, you read that correctly. I went out with this guy who has been asking for a couple years. I finally said yes and agreed to meet him at a convenient location downtown. We somehow became Facebook friends about four years ago. But we have no mutual friends or anything in our profiles that match. I'm not sure how he found me, but he did.

Every time he's asked I have politely declined the date. I'm not sure why I said yes this last time but I know I'll never say yes again. He asked me to meet him at a bar that is surrounded by a lot of restaurants. As I'm walking up to the bar, i'm dreading it already. We introduce ourselves and he immediately asks what I think about pizza and wine. There's a pizza place a few doors down, so that's where I assume we're going. To my surprise, he turns and walks into the bar we're standing in front of, and sits in a booth.

I follow him into the restaurant, assuming he wants a drink. To my surprise as soon as we sit down, he asks what I think about barbecue pizza. I look at him questioningly, as the server walks up. He orders wine and asked me if I want any, I did not. I needed to keep a clear head so I can get out of there. He starts talking about pizza again, and I ask they serve food here? He claimed it was the best food on Market Square. (Spoiler alert, it's not!)

He orders the pizza and asked for jalapenos on the side. The server tells him that he will have to pay for them and he asks how much? She said it would be between one and two dollars and he sat there for a couple of minutes thinking about if he wanted them. He finally decided to get them and I sat there wondering how long I had to stay without appearing too rude.

He kept talking about getting free food at tailgates and the opera and all of these other crazy things and finally I asked him what it was he did for a living. He said that he didn't work, he had retired already. He dodged the questions about from where he retired. I asked what he did now and that's when he said he was a goat farmer.

He ended up buying me a flower for the man walking around downtown selling them. I told him he didn't need to do that, but he insisted. Then he took my picture with it, here's hoping it didn't end up on social media! Then he asked to walk me to my car. I told him that was unnecessary. He insisted. On the way to the car, he was limping. I asked if he had parked in the same garage as me and he said no. This is where he asked me to go to the opera with him in February. Valentine's day to be exact.  (This was very early January) I said thank you, but I had other plans.

We rode the elevator up with an elderly couple in the garage. He said he lived in a different part of town and had not driven. He asked for a ride home! I had just met this guy, was completely uncomfortable and did not want him anywhere in my car!

Lesson learned? Don't go out with someone you've been blowing off for two years and you are not remotely attracted to, it will end badly.

Friday, January 16, 2015

This week

My last seven days

Friday I was told I was a mistake (romantically speaking)

Saturday fell off my bed and hurt my knee

Sunday I don't remember

Monday really bad date

Tuesday ten year anniversary of my daddy's death and I had to start testing for organ donation 

Wednesday horrible date (different guy) he even asked me for a ride home 

Thursday was told "it's not you...its me" by someone I had not even met yet! Why do I agree to blind dates?! 

This has to get better, right? Or should I just go buy a bunch of cats and forget it all? 

Talk to me soon. xo

P.S. I had a date Sunday night with a different guy. He also asked for a ride home?! WhTs up with guys these days? 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

This sucks

This is going to be a hard week. Tuesday is the tenth anniversary of my Daddy's death. This. Just. Sucks. There's no other way to say it. I don't have him here to run to when I need something. Or, for him to hug me and tell me it's all going to be ok. 

I have to just suck it up and be an adult. The dead dads club is one I do not want to be a member. But, I can't change what has happened. It seems like my life has been one big screw up after another. 

So, I'm going to try and turn things around. I'm going to be tested this week to see if I'm a liver match. I'm going to try to be a live donor for a friends husband. He is a very sweet man, and Elaine is such a sweet lady. I want to do all I can. 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. xx

Friday, January 9, 2015


Someone just called me the mistake of 2014. That hurt. I don't believe in mistakes. Everything happens for a reason. Now, we may not immediately see or know the reason. But, it doesn't make it any less valid. 

Yes, he is married. And yes, he is sleeping with a plethora of women. But seriously? A mistake. This man claims to love me, yet being intimate with me was a mistake. 

He says this because he no longer wants any type of romantic involvement with me. He only wants to be friends. My response? Great. Let's just be friends. He thinks I'm under some delusion that we will eventually get back to what we had. No, my friend, I. Am. Not. All we are is friends. And that's all we will ever be. 

He claims I text or call him too much. This is why he believes I still want to be with him. It makes me sad to think of where he is in life. His wife knows about the other women, and doesn't care. He feels as though I don't have the mental capacity to only be friends with him. I am a fully functioning adult. I know what it means to be friends with someone of the opposite sex without romance being involved. I have more male friends than female. 

He is also saying that my feelings aren't valid. Or true. Then, when I say this hurts me, he goes into attack mode again. I just don't understand. 

Friends. That's what we are. At least I think we are. I've never let any of my other friends speak to me the way he does. So why do I put up with it from him? I don't know. Maybe my new therapist will. 

What do you think? Talk to me soon. xx

P.S. For the record, I will allow myself to be anyone's mistake. 

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Dinner, a movie and rejection

I had dinner tonight with a good friend, she's my movie wife! We are always going to the movies, I'm so glad she loves the independent films as much as I do. We both signed up for a card called moviepass. It's $35 per month and you get a two week free trial with it. The way it works, you download their app and "check-in" to whatever movie you want to see that day. When you go up to the ticket counter, you have what looks like a credit card, they swipe it and you go in. Easy peasy. If you see more than three movies per month, I highly recommend you look into this. I have seen two movies so far with my card. I hope to see lots more this year!

We went and ate some yummy Mexican food before the movie. The server was such a cutie! He has waited on us before and he actually recognized us. Is that a good thing? I don't know! He was so much fun, he kept checking back in on us and standing around talking. We went back and forth discussing movies and other things. When he brought us the checks, we ordered another drink. While I was signing my slip, I got a bit of courage. I wrote my number on the top of the check and told him to call me sometime.

My friend got so embarrassed when he came and picked up our check. I told him I wrote him a little note, but I wouldn't be offended if he didn't want to. She started giggling even more and turned red! It was so funny, the note had nothing to do with her, he felt he had to look at the note right there. He said he was flattered, but he was seeing someone. But he would hold onto my number...just in case. I guess this makes me his backup plan?

I looked a hot mess today, but didn't realize that at the time. I only saw myself about an hour later when we went to the movies. I laughed, but, I guess that's why I'm only good enough to be the back-up plan. I am not like most women. I don't wear make-up, so what you see is all me. The good and the bad. I also don't put a ton of time on my hair. Flat irons, curling irons,'s a good day if my hair is hit with a hair dryer! Don't get me wrong, for special events, I'll break out all the horrible devices and make myself look nice. On a regular day, not so much.

Maybe I'd have better luck if I did indulge in the make-up, perfect hair and perfect clothing each day. But that isn't me. I don't want someone who is only concerned with my exterior. My interior is what I want someone to want me for. What do you think? Am I wrong? Talk to me soon.