Sunday, May 15, 2016

This used to be an e-mail

I spent the whole morning thinking of you. Wondering how your night was, what you did, if you were happy. If you thought of me. If you ever think of me when we aren't together? 

Then I realized, that's stupid. Of course you don't. When you're not with me, you're with the love of your life. The woman that makes you truly happy. The woman you'll be with until the end of your days. I'm just a distraction, a shiny new toy. Your latest plaything. 

You said on that very first day, you became addicted to me. What does that mean? Honestly? I don't think I've ever been addicted to anything, so I'm a bit unsure of what that means. 

I adore you, entirely too much. You hold your emotions close and don't let anything out. It makes me sad that you hold so many secrets, but maybe one day you'll trust me. I'm not sure what I need to do to earn your trust, maybe I should ask. I never have. And that's on me. You tell me to just live in the moment and take things day by day, but, it's so very hard. 

I do that in some aspects of my life. I did actually die once. Obviously, they brought me back, but, since then, I have tried to live each day to the fullest. It's very hard when I don't even know if we will have a tomorrow. All we will ever have is today, and that scares me more than I have ever been scared. And trust me, I've been one scared little girl many, many times. 

I know I'm never actually going to send this to you, so I don't know why I keep typing. It's cathartic, like my blog. Writing is always a good release for me. Maybe I should have made this an entry, not a phantom e-mail? 

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