Friday, May 20, 2016

Where have all the tears gone?

Well, I've almost been through the whole day with no tears. and the few I did have, had nothing to do with that's a bonus, right?

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Am I really this stupid?

Yes, you read that right. Today I feel like an idiot. For many reasons. One of which would be because the way I'm allowing myself to be treated. I am head over heels in love with this man. Every single inch of my being is because of him. 

He wants something, I go buy it. He casually mentions something, I make a mental note and surprise him. I see something I think he'd like? I run and go buy it. Why? Because that's who I am. I'm a giver. I enjoy seeing the pleasure on his face when I give him something. Plus, he loves surprises. 

But how many red flags will it take for me to realize...maybe this isn't a healthy relationship. I'm not going to list the flags, because if you're reading this, and know me, you'd probably come smack me. And for good reason. 

I lie in bed and cry at night, but during the day, when I'm able to speak to him, I'm euphoric. Im giddy, I feel like a schoolgirl. But is that enough to make me happy? A part-time lover (stop singing!) is all I have. Why do I allow myself in these situations? 

When will I allow myself to be truly happy? Or, realize that I deserve to be happy? Maybe I'll just be the single, old lady that no one ever misses. 

Sunday, May 15, 2016

This used to be an e-mail

I spent the whole morning thinking of you. Wondering how your night was, what you did, if you were happy. If you thought of me. If you ever think of me when we aren't together? 

Then I realized, that's stupid. Of course you don't. When you're not with me, you're with the love of your life. The woman that makes you truly happy. The woman you'll be with until the end of your days. I'm just a distraction, a shiny new toy. Your latest plaything. 

You said on that very first day, you became addicted to me. What does that mean? Honestly? I don't think I've ever been addicted to anything, so I'm a bit unsure of what that means. 

I adore you, entirely too much. You hold your emotions close and don't let anything out. It makes me sad that you hold so many secrets, but maybe one day you'll trust me. I'm not sure what I need to do to earn your trust, maybe I should ask. I never have. And that's on me. You tell me to just live in the moment and take things day by day, but, it's so very hard. 

I do that in some aspects of my life. I did actually die once. Obviously, they brought me back, but, since then, I have tried to live each day to the fullest. It's very hard when I don't even know if we will have a tomorrow. All we will ever have is today, and that scares me more than I have ever been scared. And trust me, I've been one scared little girl many, many times. 

I know I'm never actually going to send this to you, so I don't know why I keep typing. It's cathartic, like my blog. Writing is always a good release for me. Maybe I should have made this an entry, not a phantom e-mail? 

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Supermodel? I think not.

Well, if yore keeping up, I know you're on the edge of your seat to find out how my big photo shoot went.

It started out with me getting lost trying to find the place. I finally get there and it was a bit while they were setting up the shoot. They have me and another girl pose a few different ways and I'm angling my face for thr best light and to get the best angle.

The photospherer looked at me and said you do realize your face won't be in this, right? So, my fantastic new highlights and blowout were for nothing. Well, not really. They look fab. But, only my hands, legs, arms and maybe my butt will be famous. Maybe I'll be the next Kardashian.

Talk to me soon, marshmallows!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

What's new?

nothing. That's what's new. I take that back. Tomorrow I'm going to do a photo shoot for an ad campaign. What's this? You didn't know I was a model? Me either. I'm not sure if I was a pity pick, or what. But it has something to do with the pizza they sell in our stores. Maybe it's because I'm a fatty.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted! Who knows...maybe I'll even post a link to it!

Talk to me soon marshmallows. xoxo

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Today's another day

Well, each day comes with a new perspective, right? It's been what seems like weeks since I have seen my Charming Suitor. He surprised me this morning by waking me up. CS has a key to come and go as he pleases and I love it when he surprises me.

It was really early this morning when he came by and he really only had about 15 or 20 that he could stay. He had to be at work early and once I finallu woke up, it meant the world to me that he came to see me.

I wanted hi, to crawl into bed with me, hold me and never let go, before I reslixed he only had a few minutes. We made the most of the time we had. Now it just makes me miss him even more. I really want this man to be completely mine. But, I know that isn't an option. I just hope I don't fall in love. He's already told me the consequences if that happens. There are two, and neither are good.

Talk to me soon jellybeans, xoxo

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Am I worth it?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? You're human. Of course you have. Well, I'm asking myself that over and over lately. Parts of my life make me so sad that I just can't even imagine how I got here. Then, I realize, I'm here from my own free will. I've made my own choices and they all brought me to where I am today.

I have a wonderful, beautiful man in my life. When we are together, it is amazing. But, we are not exclusive. Or, he isn't. I knew this going in, but I just don't know if it is better than being alone. I'm so euphoric when we are together. But, there's a lot that I don't know about this man, and I probably never will. Now, I'm not talking trivial stuff, but things that a girl should know about her boyfriend.

I can't imagine my life without him, but, I know we will never be completely together. He will never open up to me.

As I write this, I know what I should do, but am I really that strong? Do I really deserve love and happiness? Talk to me, jellybeans.