June

Well. The month is here. I have 29 more days to go before it is over. This is a month that I really don't like. And this year it is much worse. I have to deal with some legal issues. That's really all I can say since it is ongoing. But, it isn't going to be an easy one.

There are many reasons I'm not a fan. Father's Day sucks when your Daddy is no longer living. The day after my birthday is the anniversary of my Uncle's death. there are other things that have me riled up about the month. But, I can't really get into them. Maybe one day. But today? I have to still keep it all bottled up.

So, pray to your God, send good karma, or vibes or whatever it is that you do. But, send them all to me. I need all the help I can get for the next 29 days.

Talk to me soon. Please?

Swollen eyes

well, when you wake up and your eyes are so swollen, all you can do is wonder why you cried all night in your sleep. Now I have all day to over-analyze why I was crying. I can try to say it was it was because of the month of June, which makes me very sad, but it isn't.

It is because of a choice I've made in my life. Now, I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to get myself untangled from this mess. The problem is, I don't know if I want to be untangled. As you may have guessed, this decision is about a boy.

If he's causing me this much grief and sorrow, why do I stay, you ask? It's because as much as grief as he causes me, he causes me even that much, or more, joy. My whole emotional life is such a roller coaster right now. One minute I'm up. The next I'm down. I've got such high highs and low lows that I never know from one minute to the next. Am I going to be laughing or crying? No, I'm not bipolar, not that there is anything wrong with having that mental illness. I am just depressed. So very depressed. And yes, that is a medical diagnosis. Not a self-proclamation.

I'm sitting here typing this and the tears are rolling down my face as steady as a stream. So, I think that's my cue to stop writing for now. If you have any tips or advice, feel free to comment. I'd love to know that anyone is listening.

Talk to me soon, xoxo

Another day, another panic attack

Well, if it isn't one thing, it's another. But, today, no tears have been shed. I've came to many conclusions today, each one contradicting the last. Leaving, staying, taking him up on his offer to date other men, deciding to not date others. Going back and forth on optional surgeries. Well, I feel they are necessary, others don't...including my insurance.

My impulses are just to give up. I'm putting myself up for adoption. Feel free to comment if you want to take responsibility of me.

xo

Where have all the tears gone?

Well, I've almost been through the whole day with no tears. and the few I did have, had nothing to do with him...so that's a bonus, right?

Am I really this stupid?

Yes, you read that right. Today I feel like an idiot. For many reasons. One of which would be because the way I'm allowing myself to be treated. I am head over heels in love with this man. Every single inch of my being is because of him. 

He wants something, I go buy it. He casually mentions something, I make a mental note and surprise him. I see something I think he'd like? I run and go buy it. Why? Because that's who I am. I'm a giver. I enjoy seeing the pleasure on his face when I give him something. Plus, he loves surprises. 

But how many red flags will it take for me to realize...maybe this isn't a healthy relationship. I'm not going to list the flags, because if you're reading this, and know me, you'd probably come smack me. And for good reason. 

I lie in bed and cry at night, but during the day, when I'm able to speak to him, I'm euphoric. Im giddy, I feel like a schoolgirl. But is that enough to make me happy? A part-time lover (stop singing!) is all I have. Why do I allow myself in these situations? 

When will I allow myself to be truly happy? Or, realize that I deserve to be happy? Maybe I'll just be the single, old lady that no one ever misses. 

This used to be an e-mail

I spent the whole morning thinking of you. Wondering how your night was, what you did, if you were happy. If you thought of me. If you ever think of me when we aren't together? 

Then I realized, that's stupid. Of course you don't. When you're not with me, you're with the love of your life. The woman that makes you truly happy. The woman you'll be with until the end of your days. I'm just a distraction, a shiny new toy. Your latest plaything. 

You said on that very first day, you became addicted to me. What does that mean? Honestly? I don't think I've ever been addicted to anything, so I'm a bit unsure of what that means. 

I adore you, entirely too much. You hold your emotions close and don't let anything out. It makes me sad that you hold so many secrets, but maybe one day you'll trust me. I'm not sure what I need to do to earn your trust, maybe I should ask. I never have. And that's on me. You tell me to just live in the moment and take things day by day, but, it's so very hard. 

I do that in some aspects of my life. I did actually die once. Obviously, they brought me back, but, since then, I have tried to live each day to the fullest. It's very hard when I don't even know if we will have a tomorrow. All we will ever have is today, and that scares me more than I have ever been scared. And trust me, I've been one scared little girl many, many times. 

I know I'm never actually going to send this to you, so I don't know why I keep typing. It's cathartic, like my blog. Writing is always a good release for me. Maybe I should have made this an entry, not a phantom e-mail? 

Supermodel? I think not.

Well, if yore keeping up, I know you're on the edge of your seat to find out how my big photo shoot went.

It started out with me getting lost trying to find the place. I finally get there and it was a bit while they were setting up the shoot. They have me and another girl pose a few different ways and I'm angling my face for thr best light and to get the best angle.

The photospherer looked at me and said you do realize your face won't be in this, right? So, my fantastic new highlights and blowout were for nothing. Well, not really. They look fab. But, only my hands, legs, arms and maybe my butt will be famous. Maybe I'll be the next Kardashian.

Talk to me soon, marshmallows!
xoxo

What's new?

nothing. That's what's new. I take that back. Tomorrow I'm going to do a photo shoot for an ad campaign. What's this? You didn't know I was a model? Me either. I'm not sure if I was a pity pick, or what. But it has something to do with the pizza they sell in our stores. Maybe it's because I'm a fatty.

Stay tuned, I'll keep you posted! Who knows...maybe I'll even post a link to it!

Talk to me soon marshmallows. xoxo

Today's another day

Well, each day comes with a new perspective, right? It's been what seems like weeks since I have seen my Charming Suitor. He surprised me this morning by waking me up. CS has a key to come and go as he pleases and I love it when he surprises me.

It was really early this morning when he came by and he really only had about 15 or 20 that he could stay. He had to be at work early and once I finallu woke up, it meant the world to me that he came to see me.

I wanted hi, to crawl into bed with me, hold me and never let go, before I reslixed he only had a few minutes. We made the most of the time we had. Now it just makes me miss him even more. I really want this man to be completely mine. But, I know that isn't an option. I just hope I don't fall in love. He's already told me the consequences if that happens. There are two, and neither are good.

Talk to me soon jellybeans, xoxo

Am I worth it?

Have you ever asked yourself that question? You're human. Of course you have. Well, I'm asking myself that over and over lately. Parts of my life make me so sad that I just can't even imagine how I got here. Then, I realize, I'm here from my own free will. I've made my own choices and they all brought me to where I am today.

I have a wonderful, beautiful man in my life. When we are together, it is amazing. But, we are not exclusive. Or, he isn't. I knew this going in, but I just don't know if it is better than being alone. I'm so euphoric when we are together. But, there's a lot that I don't know about this man, and I probably never will. Now, I'm not talking trivial stuff, but things that a girl should know about her boyfriend.

I can't imagine my life without him, but, I know we will never be completely together. He will never open up to me.

As I write this, I know what I should do, but am I really that strong? Do I really deserve love and happiness? Talk to me, jellybeans.

xoxo

A new man...

Well marshmallows, guess what? I have a new man in my life. He is such an incredible, amazing man. He treats me better than anyone has in a very, very long time. If ever. 

He's so kind, generous, amazing, gorgeous and is such a great man in my life. I don't ever want to have him leave, but, as we both know, everybody leaves. 

For right now, I'm wallowing in bliss. I love when he surprises me. He loves to wake me up in the mornings. He works earlier than I do, so he sneaks into my house and wakes me up. Whether it is with sweet kisses, or clbing into bed to cuddle, I love it all. 

He is quite commanding. Who knew I liked being submissive? Not this girl! Well, talk to me soon. I hope your days are as glorious as mine have been lately. 

Hugs and love, xoxo...Mina 

The list of Craig

OSo, the list by Craig normally gets a bad wrap. I innocently answered an ad posted for a part time/freelance job. When I had pretty much forgotten about this post when he sent me a text asking if I were still interested in the position. 

We talked back and forth on text for a day, almost constantly, back and forth. It was a witty banter and this seemed like a really cool guy. 

The conversation steered toward a more intimate level and I stopped him right there and asked if that was what he was really wanting. He said no, he wasn't opposed to that type of arrangement, but it was honestly for the job. 

We kept talking and about 9 that night, we decided to meet the next morning. I got to see if I would be a good candidate for the job. This isn't a traditional office job, so, we met in a public place, a restaurant parking lot. We began to talk and the job never once came up. He truly was the man he had sent me pictures of, so there was some relief there! 

We did a bit of talking, and a bit of kissing, but no interviewing. So, back on the job hunt. But, who knows what may come of this fella. 

Talk to me soon! 

Just one by June?

I'm looking for just one date before my birthday with a man who is charming. One who makes me laugh. One who will open the door for me. One who will lot expect for me to go to bed with him the day we meet, or on the first date. I want a man who will treat me like a lady. Is that too much to ask? If you're out there, and reading this, call me! 

I'm still screwed up

I know you're shocked! I'm a middle aged woman who doesn't really know what she needs to do. I'm such a cliche. 

I have a few men I am interested in at the moment. They are all making my life a bit miserable. One lives in a different state. One is in some weird will they won't they situation with a woman who is married. The other is seemingly available, but it seems he may not be interested. A week or ten days will go by without hearing from him. Then, out of the blue, here he pops up with a text or phone call. Making me wonder if he possibly is still interested. And to top it all off, another one pops up and only wants a sexual relationship, because he is married. 

So, I have all these men coming at me from different directions. But then, I have to figure out what I want. Who I am. With all the things I've had to go through to get to this stage in my life, I just wonder what I need to do. 

I just want to have someone to be my person. Is that really too much to ask? 

New day, new beau

Well, I met a guy. We met online and texted for a bit before actually meeting in person. I fell in love with this man before ever laying eyes on him. I'm in well over my head. This fella is pretty great. It's been going on a few weeks now and I don't know what to do. He is such a creature of habit. He has certain places he likes to go and we don't venture to new places.

I'm excited to see where this goes. Talk soon!

What's next?

I need to suck it up and become a productive member of society. Don't get me wrong, I do have a job. I do pay taxes. But what's next?

It seems we're always looking for something bigger and better. But what happens when you run out of the next big thing? I am not saying that everything is been sunshine and roses and that I have nowhere to go but down. In fact, I've just been skating along in mediocrity.

When I say that, I'm speaking professionally not personally. I've had some amazing highs and lows on the personal aspect of my life. I'm just ready to have something professionally, where it feels like I can excel.

I don't have regrets. And I'm not saying that ironically, there's really no point in them. It does me no good to dwell on the past, to what if the situation, or to imagine another outcome. But as I sit here I can't help to think what I've done the last decade. Should I have stayed with that government job? Should I have accepted that corporate job I turned down?

Why can't we just have a map? Life would be so much easier.

Silly me

Someone came back into my life, but only for a minute. I allowed this to happen, so I'm not trying to play a sympathy card. For a very, very long time I felt that I didn't deserve a mate. Tben I started to look around. I saw all my friends paired with their "soul mates" and it got me thinking. Where's mine?

Maybe I don't deserve one. Maybe I had him and let him go. Maybe he still is yet to come. Or maybe, I'm destined to be alone. One thing I don't like is the uncertainty. I wish that I could just see what was to happen. I don't understand why I feel so alone, when I'm surrounded by people constantly.

Sometimes I let my depression get the better of me, but I try to not let it win. It's so hard living inside my head. And just think is this all there really years?

When it rains, it pours

Hello chipmunks! Well, things are a bit tricky in my world right now. I'm in transition trying to find a new job. The office I was working in closed and the lateral transfer would have me moving four hours away. So, I am not working for a company while looking for gainful employment elsewhere.

I am also trying to navigate the dating world. It's not fun. Trust me. As I told you before, there are two men who have caught my eye. One, I'm insanely attracted to and am anxious to see where it goes. The other one, not so much. He sends me multiple messages daily. He seems to have no other interests or friends outside of me. We have only been seeing each other a few weeks, so it makes me wonder what he did in his free time before that.

He is very clingy and has really big self-esteem issues. He seems to need constant reassurance. It seems as though he monitors my social networks and knows when I'm active on them all to send me direct messages saying as much.

I told him that I'm not comfortable at this point with him having children and he didn't seem to have any problem with this. I find that odd. I just don't know what to do. He's a nice enough guy, I'm just not attracted to him at this point. I want to just see if we are able to be friends. But, I don't know what to do with this. I don't deal well with confrontation. He wants to see me daily. I don't even want to see MYSELF daily!

Tell me the truth? Do you think I'm a horrible person for not wanting to bring this man into my world knowing he isn't divorced. And, even more important, that I don't want to raise his children.

I just don't know what to do. Where's Brandi when I need her?! Talk to me soon. xo

I know you're sick of me...

I'm 41. We are all going to have baggage. Whether it is with exes, kids, parents, or any combination of those three and anything else. What I need to try to find out is, what is my breaking point? You've been separated for two years, but no divorce yet? You've got kids. Multiple kids. Same mom, different moms, multiple ex-wives? What am I willing to allow in my life?

This, I need to determine. Before I get involved too deep. Maybe I care for you. Maybe I don't. Maybe I like us on paper, but not in real life. Does this make me a bad person? Let me give you some background. In case I haven't told you, I've never been married. I do not have children. And I'm ok with that, on both counts. I knew from a very young age that I didn't want kids of my own.

Now I'm at a stage in my life where I need to decide if I want someone else's kids in my life. I haven't been able to discuss this with my therapist, so by default, you are my sounding board. How am I going to navigate this?

There are two men that I'm currently seeing. (And I use that term very loosely!) They both are in the process of getting a divorce. One has signed the decree, just waiting on the finalization period. The other hasn't even filed paperwork yet. They both have multiple children. I'm attracted to one of them, the other, I can't decide.

I just don't know what to do. Why oh why am I in this situation?! Feel free to respond, I'm anxious to hear your reactions. Good, bad and ugly. Talk to me soon! xoxo

This is what a feminist looks like

Call me crazy, but I want to be in love. I want a man to hold my hand, to kiss me like he's never going to see me again. I want to have that all-consuming passion. I want someone to want me so bad, he won't have anyone else if he can't have me. In other words, I want someone who does not exist.

It is my birthday this weekend and I think upon reflection of where I've been in life, I'm not sure I've made the best decisions. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret any of the decisions I've made, because I regret nothing. Dwelling on something will get me nowhere, I'm on the wrong side of mid-life, so I am just pondering things at the moment.

For a VERY long time, I just assumed I would never get married, and I was ok with that. I didn't need a man to complete me. I still don't need a man to complete myself, but I want one. I've dated and had a few lovers over the years and they all hold a special place in my mind and heart. They always will, but it will be a small place.

I want someone who thinks of me and a smile passes his lips. If he has a fleeting thought and thinks it'll make me laugh or smile, for him to call or text me. I want to get random messages that say he has been thinking of me. Or just send one that says good morning. Is that really too much to ask? No one is busy ALL THE TIME!

I want someone who wants to crawl into bed just to snuggle. Hold my hand as we are sitting on the couch. Hug me just because he hasn't in a few hours. Put his arm around me and pull me close in bed so I am able to put my head on his chest.

In other words, I want someone to love who loves me back. Truly, madly and deeply loves me with reckless abandon. I will reciprocate, of that you need not worry. Feel free to reach out to me. I hope to find him soon. I'm not getting any younger and I want to spend as much time as possible with him.

Am I being unreasonable? Talk to me soon. xoxo